My Man of Constant Sorrow

The bible says that Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).

I am glad.

That may sound like a strange statement to make, but who better to go to with your sorrow, your agony, your betrayal, your sadness than a Perfect example of how to deal with these things?

I am grieving. I am sad.

Jesus knows.

My heart aches. I have cried so much lately that my head hurts from the strain and my eyes sting from the saline.

Jesus understands.

I cry out to God, "Why? Why is this happening to me God? Why does this have to hurt so much?"

Jesus cried out, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

I guess what I am trying to say is that even in the darkness of despair, I still see His light. I still can turn to Him. He is compassionate. He has promised that, "A bruised reed He will not break of fand a smoldering wick He will not snuff out." (Matthew 12:20)

I am bruised. I am barely a light. He will be my light until I can burn brightly again.

Walking in the Light

I like The Light. It is bright, warm, inviting, illuminating. I can see where I am going, I can look back and have a clear picture where I have been. It shows me the way and guides me away. I am so grateful for The Light.

So, why do I choose to spend so much time in the dark?

I have been a Christian since I was 14 years old. I love the Lord so much! I have never doubted my Salvation, never wondered if it "took". I have known from the moment He stepped into my life that I was redeemed. It's not the Salvation that is the problem...it's the living!

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

I admit it. I am a "wanderer".

I will have periods of my life when the fellowship between God and I is so sweet! I am walking in the light, I am in tune with my Savior and life makes sense.

But then, I get distracted.

I get worried and consumed by the cares of this world. It's not an accident this happens, it's a choice I make. I expend a lot of energy worrying and fretting when the answer is right in front of my face. Next thing I know, I am in the dark searching for the light switch.

This morning I was reading 1 John 1:6

"If we claim to have fellowship with Him, yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth."

Me? A liar? Ouch!

I know God's heart is for me to always be with Him; mind, body, spirit. I also know that he gives me the choice to make that happen. I love Him for this. He loves me so much He wants me to choose HIM!

I don't want to walk in the dark any more. I want to walk in the Light. I want to be all I can through Him and let the cares and worries of the world take a back seat.

There is so much waiting for me in The Light!

Now the Way that it Stands...She's out of My Hands

I am not invited to her graduation anymore.

I am not sure how it happened. This little one who is the single most important female in my life no longer desires for me to attend the greatest accomplishment she has had to date.

Where did she go? My little one who used to walk on her tippy-toes, holding on to my fingers singing songs about Jesus? How can I ever express the sorrow that comes from knowing those days are gone forever and that the light she once had is no longer in her eyes? I weep for that little girl and I weep for the little girl inside this confused and angry young woman who feels so strongly that I have let her down...and I have.

I blame myself. I am the mother. I should have it so together! I should be able to handle all these twists and turns in our relationship with grace, logic and like Jesus would. Instead, I feel hurt, confused, and angry. Not just angry at her, but angry at myself. Angry at the changes I see in her and angry at the helplessness I feel because I cannot fix it or make it better. Angry at myself because I always say the wrong things, or don't say enough. Angry because my attempts to be accepting seem more like lack of interest. Angry because my attempts to give her space seem more like lack of caring. Angry that my silence seems like judgement and my tears seem like condemnation. There is no right answer and no safe place to stand when you are walking such a thin line in a relationship.

I know I have messed up. I am far from perfect. Those first six months after Steve and I divorced was by far the worst time of my life. I lost myself and my way. Thankfully, God brought me back and I was able to escape that time relatively unscathed. Sadly, I don't think my girl was as fortunate. I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own sorrow, grief, and, lets be honest, freedom, that I was not really there for my children when they needed me the most. Of all the mistakes I have ever made as a mother...this is the one that will haunt me. At night, when I lay sleepless in bed, trying to figure out where I went wrong, those six months are lying in wait to indict me: "It's all your fault!"

I have apologized...I have asked for forgiveness from my children and from my God. I have admitted my wrongs and tried to make amends but the truth is, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot go back and undo the divorce. I cannot make her dad want to stay with me. I cannot erase those six months of acting like I was 18 instead of a 35-year old mother of two. I am sorry for those things...only God knows how much.

I have loved being a mother. I wish I could go back for just one minute and smell her baby hair, tousle those beautiful blonde curls and whisper in her sweet neck how much I love her....I wish she believed me as easily today as she did back then. I wish she would wrap her sweet arms around my neck and whisper, "I love you Mommy!" Perhaps one day, but for now, I have the memories and the reassurance from God that He has His hand on her even when I cannot. For the time being, it will have to be enough.

Nothing Has the Power to Save....

I have been thinking a lot about my now, non-existent diet. Honestly, I am irritated and embarrassed with myself. I mean, who announces to the world that they are going to lose all this weight, start a blog and then.....

DOES NOTHING!!!

Uh...that would be me.

I am still trying. Sort of. I am still trying to make good choices, and stay away from the sweets but I have never met a piece of pizza that I can say no to. So, since I have nothing good to say about my diet at the moment, I am going to focus on something else. God.

I feel that I have marginalized God in my life. I feel as though I have taken my life back from Him this past year. I am not gonna lie, it has been a really rough 10 months or so. Newlywed, blended family, moving, teenager issues, unemployment, personal disappointment and unhappiness with my job. So much in my life felt so wrong for so long! I just kinda stopped giving it to God. I took it away from Him to "handle" for myself. Yeah, that was an EPIC mistake.

Will I ever learn that I cannot do this myself? Will I ever stop taking God from His rightful place on the throne of my life and just follow?

One of the things I love about Jesus is that He is so gentle with me. He is no bully! He doesn't butt his way into my life. He just lets me flounder around until I am sick of myself and exhausted from a futile battle. So, here I am again...on my face...begging Jesus to rescue me from my greatest enemy: ME!

I am too smart to make some grand proclamation of never straying again...I know better. I do love Jesus and the more I cling to that rather than leaning on my own understanding the better things will be. I have hope...

Now, if only I could a handle on that little problem I have with pizza....

Dieting takes a Vacation

Last week I took a vacation. And so did my diet. Actually, my diet went south....3lbs straight to my buttocks.

I can sit here and give all types of excuses. I was on vacation. Why can't I enjoy myself? I will never get the chance to eat ribs at Disneyland again! I may never get the chance to eat ice cream from Disneyland again! I may never get the chance to eat pizza, and churros and caesar salads and, and, and, and..... Well. You get the point.

Then there was the delicious breakfasts The Rene's precious mother made every morning. And the amazing mexican dinner we had...sigh. Why is eating so much fun?

Honestly, I am a little discouraged. I was doing so well and then I lost my momentum. I came back from vacation, weighed myself and sort of gave up.

I am learning that there will always be excuses for me to overeat. First it was vacation, then Joe's birthday, then Easter, then Donut Monday....whatever. Bottom line, it was amazingly simple for me to fall back into my old bad habits. What is interesting is how much those bad habits feed into a defeatist kind of mentality. Tonight I had ice cream. Know why? Because I had already blown it with multiple donut holes this morning.

However.....

Just writing this blog, I am renewed with hope. I am not the only one who is struggling. Time for me to get off the pouty pot and get back to work. I have a life to save! MINE! I have to renew my focus and rededicate myself to this task. I am going to lose weight. I am going to make wise choices. I don't care if its a vacation that arises, a holiday or just a boring Monday morning. I have too much invested in this process to give it all away for a stupid deep-fried wad of bread with icing on it. I want to succeed. I want to surprise myself. I want to exceed my own expectations. I want to do this!

Tomorrow it is back on the bandwagon. I am going to start all over again. If you are reading this blog, and you have fallen down...take heart! We can do this! Pretend you are in kindergarten and you have lost a game of four-square. What do you ask for? A do-over! We are going for a do-over you and I. We are brave over-comers and we can do this!

Let's all give a cheer for the do-over!

Blurry Vision

It is so easy to lose focus when you are dieting. Last week I was sick and I am a comfort eater. Tuesday I spent the day alternately eating and laying on the couch like a meatloaf. It is so hard to resist temptation when you are sick! I didn't want to make bad choices and overeat, I just was too dang tired to care!

This turned out to be my slippery slope for the week. It turns out that it has been easy for me to resist the sugary snacks and delicious treats at work and at home because they are obviously a wrong choice. Other foods however, have been a little more difficult for me to resist. I have not made wise choices in the foods I eat. I want to....sorta. It is just so hard for me to choose a salad over pasta. A low-cal dish over a cheeseburger. A granola bar over ice cream. Especially because I am such a comfort eater.

The truth is, I am going to have to make some sacrifices if I want to get this weight off. I went shopping yesterday and today trying to find clothes to wear on vacation. That was a bummer. I don't care what anyone says, there are far less choices in the plus-size section than any others. Not to mention they are considerably more costly! I was at Goodwill today and in addition to being bit by a spider, I was slapped in the face by rack after rack of average-lady clothing in comparison to one of plus-sized. While I was waiting for The Rene' to try on his clothes, I looked at the rack outside of the dressing room with several pairs of adorable summer capris....size 12.

***INSERT DEPRESSED SIGH HERE***

For once in my life I want to be able to walk into a store confident that I will be able to purchase something cute, trendy, and so ME!!! I am an adorable vixen just waiting to be unleashed! I know things that could make those skinny stick-insect cashiers at Victoria's Secret blush! I am so tired of not being able to wear what I want, buy what I want and feel confident about my appearance. This kids, is why I HAVE to change. No more sorta. No more sitting on the fence. I have to do this. I cannot give up. I will make the choice to choose right and save my life...and my fashion sense.

Live Long and Prosper!!!!

Falling Off the Wagon

Yesterday The Rene' and I went to Kaleidoscope Pizza. So, I fell off the wagon. Not just fell off it...but you know in those Western movies when the valiant hero falls off the wagon and accidentally gets his ankle caught by a rope and he is dangling and dragging behind the wagon? Yeah, that was me folks.

I have a thing for Carbs. I just do. Delicious cheesy breadsticks are like crack to me. Who needs illegal drugs when you can go down to a pizza place and get mozzarella cheese melted all over hot bread? At the beginning, I started out okay. I had ordered a delicious salad. Then I poured ranch dressing all over the delicious salad to make it even more delicious. Then I had several breadsticks all dripping with cheese and marinara. ***Hmmmm, HEAVEN!***

I felt really bad yesterday about my poor eating. I was kinda kicking myself in the car after we left, but I realized that even though I messed up in my food choices, I have made some positive changes. For one, I did not overeat or eat beyond fullness. Two, I at least tried to order something healthy. Also, I did eat very slowly, took my time and enjoyed my meal. These are successes for me, so I need to quit beating myself up and recognize that this is not going to happen overnight, nor am I going to do everything perfectly. This is a process, a journey and it will be a challenge. But my stacks of jeans are getting closer with every little success I enjoy!

I have a long way to go, but this morning when I weighed, I had lost 3.4 more pounds bringing up my total to 8 pounds in two weeks. I am very excited and cannot wait to see what is next!

Happy Sunday!

The Long and Winding Road...

I am not losing weight as quickly as I want to. I don't know what I think quick is...but I know it isn't what is going on with me at this moment.

Diet-wise, I know I could be doing more. I have been very conscious of my intake-I am eating waaaaaaay less than I used to. I have also had some real success at avoiding the sweets and snacks that are all over the place at work. Every time I turn around there is a candy, cake or otherwise delectable treat doing an evil dance right in front of me. I hate that.

But beyond all that, I know it's going to take more than reducing the intake. I have to change what I eat and I don't want to. I really don't want to. I mean, lets be honest here...who would take a salad over a delicious bowl of pasta? A CRAZY person that's who! And I am not crazy my friends. Okay, well, maybe a little.

The truth is: sacrifices are going to have to be made in order for me to get this monster-truck-sized spare tire off my otherwise petite frame.

I know I can't change everything overnight. My plan is to change one thing. Then once I am used to that, change another. If I am going to make a whole lifestyle change, I have to be deliberate about it and not try to overhaul everything. I need time to adjust and get used to the new way of life. Once I have some success...I will move on to the next. I will let you know how it goes.

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there one day." ~A.A. Milne

A Fragile Peace

Today I went to work so...cheerful. Happy. Feeling blessed and chipper. All was right in my world---I was at peace.

Then...

The work day began to creep in. Stress. Drama. Issues. It did not take long for the pressures of the day to take its toll on my chipper demeanor.

By noon, I was a grump-a-saurus. By three, I was fried. By five, I was at home and had made a nest in my bed.

My peace was a passing thing. I had it---but then it was gone. My peace is so....fragile.

I want to be a strong woman. I want to do the right thing, serve God, rock the free world and do it all with a swing in my step and a song in my heart. Here is my reality check...1) I am human and 2) I let the outside world affect my inside peace.

There is no place in my life for anyone or anything else but God. If I am putting Him first and setting aside me...my peace is no longer fragile....IT'S POWERFUL.

How much stronger am I when I let God take control? How much more of a servant am I when I allow Him to work through me? How much more rockin' am I when I am dancing to my Savior's beat and not to my own? Where there is peace and power there is a spring in the step and a song in the heart. This much I know.

Its amazing what removing a little food, taking some time to think and really focusing on what is important can do.

Viva La Jesus!

Unhealthy habits, unhealthy thoughts

I lost four pounds this week and I am very happy about that. I got up yesterday morning...stalked to that scale as though I didn't give a fish taco about the results and was rewarded with a very pleasant surprise. I guess resisting all those delicious tasty treats last week paid off!

Here's the thing though:

I am addicted to food. There is no doubt. Food is my comfort, my friend, my solace, and my rock in times of trouble. I always kinda thought Jesus was all those things to me...but it turns out I turn to food a lot more frequently than I do Jesus! This point was driven home to me in technicolor detail last Friday when, after a tough couple hours at work, all I could think about was a delicious cheeseburger at Jasper's. I really wanted a burger to chase away the pain. I ran through the gamut of reasons of why I deserved a burger: I got called in on my day off, an old lady yelled in my face, I got cussed out by same old lady, people can be awful to old people sometimes, I was missing my time off with The Rene'. You name it, I thought of it. And for a moment, it worked. I had every intention of going to Jasper's and indulging in that same old feeling...food as comfort.

I didn't do it though. And that my friends, was the greatest victory I had this week. I broke an unhealthy pattern for the first time. It was a huge breakthrough for me.

I know that it is going to take a long time for me to break all the unhealthy eating habits I have developed since I was a child. As I have said in a previous blog, I have always been overweight. I have absolutely no concept of what walking without my thighs rubbing together feels like. I have never looked in the mirror and have been happy with what I see. I wonder sometimes if disliking myself because of my weight is as much a part of me as my chubbiness. What will I focus on when I no longer can obsess about my weight?

Today The Rene' and I went and bought new tennis shoes in anticipation of our new gym membership. We are both very dedicated to shaping up and getting healthy. I hate the idea of sweating in front of complete strangers...but I hate the idea of being a chub scout for the rest of my life...or dying early more.

One small step at a time....

Donuts and Destiny

Today, I was sitting in a morning meeting, minding my own business when BAM!!! Temptation in the form of a chocolate-coated, deep fried, circle of doughy goodness arrived. One of my co-workers, in an act of kindness, brought donuts to work for us.

Just seeing the white box in her hands produced in me a Pavlovian drool response not unlike that of a St. Bernard's. I wasn't even near the box and yet I could still imagine the yummy scents that were no doubt emanating from that square box of love.

I do love donuts....ever so much. But....I resisted. Yahoo me!

I was feeling pretty good about that epic display of willpower when another co-worker announced that she was having DEATH BY CHOCOLATE cake brought into the therapy room to celebrate her birthday. All were welcome to stop by and get some at lunch. Oh, how I wanted to stop by. I mean, I really wanted to stop by. I am sure you can relate. Chocolate is proof that Jesus loves us and wants us to be happy.

I do love chocolate cake....ever so much. But...I resisted. Yahoo me!

Later in the afternoon, I went into the resident dining room to check on the resident birthday party. More cake. More ice cream. This time however, I decided it would be okay to have a little. So I went over fully intending to get a small piece of chocolate cake but I noticed that there was also pound cake and sugar-free cheesecake ice cream. I decided to go for that. Not my usual fair...but I was really trying to keep myself in check.

I do love birthday cake....ever so much. But....I love my family more and they deserve a healthy, energetic wife and mother. So, pound cake it is. Yahoo me!

I read somewhere that each time you resist temptation, you are strengthening receptors in your brain that controls impulses. I was thinking about that today because I resisted a lot of temptation!

I never realized how many pitfalls there are out there when one is trying to get healthy and make healthy choices. I guess the big difference for me today was that I was more aware of the pitfalls. Last week, I would have grazed without a second thought. Today I was trying to give it not only a second thought but a third and a fourth one if necessary.

I know I may not always be able to resist...but today I did and I consider that in itself a success.

Yahoo!

What is that calling my name??? A Twinkie???

It's 10:06 PM....I am going to bed in approximately 20 mintues AND....

I have made it through two whole days without over-eating.

Yay me.

I am hungry though...

I am going to bed before that thought or impulse has a chance to fully develop.

Sharing My Struggle

Yesterday, I went and had a "body analysis" done. Are you familiar? It's when you go and stand bare-footed on this scale that tells you everything that is wrong with your body with a level of omnipotence that rivals that of my own spidey-like senses with my children. Of course, the girl performing said analysis was gorgeous and perfect. It wouldn't be right if someone who was a bit of a chubster like myself performed these tortures---the humiliation would not be quite as acute.

I knew it wouldn't be pretty. I realized that I had "put on a few" since The Rene' and I got married---I have stacks of awesome jeans I can't get into to prove it. But when the little receipt-like printout arrived, I was completely unprepared for the results. I had not "put on a few" ---I had put on 20lbs!!! Not only that, Miss Perfect informed me that I am like 50% fat! I am as buoyant as an ocean dingy!

***Insert sobbing sounds here***

After listening to Miss Perfect's weight loss plan, that, in the grand scheme of things cost the equivalent of a small island nation, I decided to honor my history major roots and RESEARCH.

I toddled off to Barnes and Noble thinking that I could just buy a book that would tell me everything I ever needed to know and would help me bounce back like Heidi Klum.

There were 7432 diet books and probably double that in the exercise section. How do you decide which one is the right one when every single one of them claims to be THE RIGHT ONE!!! I perused a few determined to find THE one that will turn this chub scout into a sleek vixen in 7 days (or my money back.)

But........

Have you ever noticed that the cookbook section at Barnes and Noble is diagonally oriented from the exercise and diet section? What kind of cruel irony is this? Not to mention the sexuality and relationship section is right directly across from it as well. How could one not get distracted???

Needless to say, I left without a diet book. I did however, purchase a neat-o bookmark.

I do want to lose weight. I am serious about it. The truth is, my weight has been a life-long struggle. When the body analysis lady asked me yesterday what weight had been my lightest, I told her 7lbs 7oz....my birth weight! I have always been an overweight person and to think I will be able to conquer this in one fad diet or one colon cleanse is dumb. I just don't want to be one of those boring people who spend all their time talking about whole foods and the density of their poops.

So here is day one of my blog. My hope is to put at least something up every other day or so...and to encourage me and you. Nice comments are welcome. Mean comments will be destroyed with prejudice. :)

Happy Day!