A Time to Weep and a Time to Laugh

I am annoyed.  Not gonna lie.  I am.  I guess I have reached my limit of platitudes and cliches and am ready for people to stop trying to fix me and just let me feel how I feel.

I am going through a tough time.  We are in a major financial crisis, I have no job, I just endured two weeks of hell thanks to my husband's ex-wife, we are probably going to have to move (again) and right now, I feel a little low.  I am in a constant pressure cooker of stress, worry and fear.  I have to struggle to keep my eyes focused on God and keep my head above water.  It can be exhausting and sometimes, I get discouraged.  Sometimes, I want to complain.  Sometimes, I want to cry.  Sometimes, I want to whine.

And you know what?  That's okay!  I am allowed.  It's okay for me to feel sad and crummy ever so often.  I should be allowed to share my fears and concerns without judgement.  Instead, I have made the discovery that people are not comfortable with sorrow and grief.  With sadness and despair.  Mourning and crying.  Instead, they judge you for being overcome with emotion and tell you things that make you feel as though you lack faith or aren't close enough to the Lord.

Not only is okay for me to feel sorrow, it's biblical.  Don't believe me?  Take a stroll through Psalms and read the words of David.

David questioned the length and severity of his trials and testings.  Just like me.

"My soul is in anguish.  How long, O Lord, how long?"
Psalm 6:3

David, the man after God's own heart, cried until his couch was filled with tears.  Just like me .

"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."
Psalm 6:6

David's eyes were weary with grief.  He felt down and worn out.  Just like me.

"My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies."
Psalm 6:7


David, in anguish and sorrow, cries out to God in his time of trouble but struggles with doubt when encountering God's silence.  Just like me.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."
Psalm 22:1-2

This man of sorrow, this man who was a foreshadowing of Jesus, grieved and doubted and wept and became angry and sinned and suffered....just like me.

But that's not where the story ends.  Not for David and not for me.  Sure, David grieved, but he didn't stay there. And neither do I.   He wept and cried, but he also prayed and praised.  This man who asked, "Why are you cast down O my soul?" (Psalm 42:5) also penned this blessed assurance, "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry." (Psalm 40:1)  I read his words and rejoice!

I think I, like David, sometimes just need to share how I feel.  I just need to feel heard.  He wrote Psalms, I talk it out.  Make no mistake: I do pray.  I do study the word.  I do spend time with God; but if it weren't necessary for humans to interact and share their feelings, then why did God create Eve for Adam?  Sometimes, it's just so nice to vent, get it all out, and have someone say, "I am sorry.  I know it's going to be okay."  rather than try to fix me.

I know inevitably, that some will read this, and think, "Wow.  Jessica's a jerk.  I am sure people are just trying to help and she goes on and on about how they are wrong for trying?" I understand that it's a risk and I am really putting myself out there by sharing my frustration.  Please know this:  I know that my dear friends mean the best, and I love them dearly for it.  Since going through this trial however, I have now learned to ask, "How can I help?" first, and save the "fixing" for when I am asked.