Tomorrow I won't be going to work. For the first time in many years I won't have a job. I am not really sure what to do with myself. The pain I feel when I reflect on how my job ended is very deep. There is so much more involved in my work that just work---feelings of adequacy, feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. Who am I without my job? Who am I now that I am no longer a "social worker"?
I am not going to lie---I have sinned against God since I lost my job. I have doubted Him. I have been angry with Him. I have felt as though He was playing games with my life. I mean, to give Rene' and I hope that we could stay here in this house only to have the rug pulled out from under us...that seemed so...mean. I have felt sorry for myself. I have cried. I have raged. I have despaired.
Today we were driving home from looking at yet another house that I didn't want to live in and I felt utter and complete hopelessness wash over me. Friends, it was bleak. It's that feeling that the sun is never going to shine, that you have seen your last rainbow and that you will never get to eat hot fudge sundaes again. It has been a long, long time since that feeling has come over me. So long in fact, that I recognized it for what it was: total disobedience and zero trust of God. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have grown too much in the Lord to stay in this place. He has become too dear, His ways have become too precious, His voice is the sweetest voice I know. I cannot stay in this place because I have learned the hard way that I cannot do this life on my own and that the longer I wallow, the farther from Him I get. I don't want that. I want to feel the that "peace that passes all understanding". Believe me, the peaceful feeling is far preferable to the feeling of being in a bottomless dark hole.
I have hope. At this moment I have no more information regarding the future than I had this morning, but this is what I do know:
1) God has a plan for my life.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
2) God is forming me into a better version of me as He guides me through life events that are momentary and pale in comparison to what He has prepared for me.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
3) God is intimately aware of my circumstances and will save me.
"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17
I just want to say "Thank you" to Jesus for His great and unfailing love. My prayer is that one day, it won't take me two days to trust---it will be automatic and ingrained. Still, I am grateful for His opening of my eyes and His forgiveness. Truly, His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Like a Frog in Water
Remember that old story about frogs and boiling water? You know, if you try to put a frog in hot water he will immediately hop out, but if you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, he will stay in there and boil to death? I was thinking today that toxic and unhealthy relationships can be like that frog in the cool water: the heat can creep up on you until you are boiled alive in something that was once refreshing and uplifting.
I recently ended a friendship. Once upon a time, this person was my very best friend. With her, I laughed harder than with anyone else in my whole life and shared more tears than I like to remember. We met when I was just recently separated from my ex-husband. She was so accepting and understanding! This was a huge breath of fresh air for me after being condemned and judged by so many who had no clue what I was going through. We connected on a very deep level and I felt that she truly understood me. She was, in all ways, my BFF.
So, one might ask, what is the problem? What could possibly have happened that would cause me to end such a deep and caring friendship?
The bottom line: Core values.
As much as I have always loved my friend, our values never quite matched. No matter how I say this, I know I am going to sound "judgmental" but, the crux of the matter is that although my friend was an intelligent, educated and oh so clever, she was not a Christian. Honestly, were I searching for a mate instead of investing in a "best" type friendship, this lone fact would have been deal-breaker for me.
The bible states, "How can any two walk together, lest they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3) and although this verse is usually referenced about marriages, I believe it can also apply to intimate friendships. My relationship with Jesus Christ is not just a core value, He is THE core value of my life. I now know that in order for me to truly be "free" in my friendships to share my heart and be truly understood, Jesus Christ has to be THE core value for my friend as well. (The exact why I chose this person to become so close to when I know, and am friends with, so many amazing Christian women, is the topic of another blog perhaps.)
Looking back on all the "red flags" I ignored, I now wonder why it took me so long to see that I was compromising myself (and my faith) by not standing up for what I believed in. I was afraid to disagree with her about many of the things she fervently believed. There were so many times I disagreed with things that she said, did and accepted and never spoke up because I was fearful of being deemed "judgmental" or "unyielding". The crazy thing is that I have never been one to keep silent when I felt as though something was wrong, but I feared losing the friendship and the support. The unhealthiness of such a dynamic crept up on me.
Years pass in this way untilfinally inevitably , something happened in our friendship that I could not overlook. All at once, all the excuses, the "understanding" that I extended, and yes, the compromise culminated in one final OH MY GOSH moment causing me to see that I could no longer continue in this unhealthy and toxic relationship and become the person I have committed to Jesus to be.
I now realize that true friendship, like a good marriage, has to be on an equal footing or it will fail. I love the differences and quirks of my friends, but ultimately, we have to fundamentally believe in the same things. Our core values, morals and intimacy with Christ make us who we are. And if I might offer a small piece of advice? Please listen to the little voice in your head when it tells you something is not quite right. It took me far too long to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit.
This has been a painful and sad lesson for me.
I recently ended a friendship. Once upon a time, this person was my very best friend. With her, I laughed harder than with anyone else in my whole life and shared more tears than I like to remember. We met when I was just recently separated from my ex-husband. She was so accepting and understanding! This was a huge breath of fresh air for me after being condemned and judged by so many who had no clue what I was going through. We connected on a very deep level and I felt that she truly understood me. She was, in all ways, my BFF.
So, one might ask, what is the problem? What could possibly have happened that would cause me to end such a deep and caring friendship?
The bottom line: Core values.
As much as I have always loved my friend, our values never quite matched. No matter how I say this, I know I am going to sound "judgmental" but, the crux of the matter is that although my friend was an intelligent, educated and oh so clever, she was not a Christian. Honestly, were I searching for a mate instead of investing in a "best" type friendship, this lone fact would have been deal-breaker for me.
The bible states, "How can any two walk together, lest they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3) and although this verse is usually referenced about marriages, I believe it can also apply to intimate friendships. My relationship with Jesus Christ is not just a core value, He is THE core value of my life. I now know that in order for me to truly be "free" in my friendships to share my heart and be truly understood, Jesus Christ has to be THE core value for my friend as well. (The exact why I chose this person to become so close to when I know, and am friends with, so many amazing Christian women, is the topic of another blog perhaps.)
Looking back on all the "red flags" I ignored, I now wonder why it took me so long to see that I was compromising myself (and my faith) by not standing up for what I believed in. I was afraid to disagree with her about many of the things she fervently believed. There were so many times I disagreed with things that she said, did and accepted and never spoke up because I was fearful of being deemed "judgmental" or "unyielding". The crazy thing is that I have never been one to keep silent when I felt as though something was wrong, but I feared losing the friendship and the support. The unhealthiness of such a dynamic crept up on me.
Years pass in this way until
I now realize that true friendship, like a good marriage, has to be on an equal footing or it will fail. I love the differences and quirks of my friends, but ultimately, we have to fundamentally believe in the same things. Our core values, morals and intimacy with Christ make us who we are. And if I might offer a small piece of advice? Please listen to the little voice in your head when it tells you something is not quite right. It took me far too long to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit.
This has been a painful and sad lesson for me.
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