A Choice to Suffer

This has been a brutal week. No lie.

It has been painful, heartbreaking, stressful, exhausting, frustrating and LONG! Friday, morning after receiving yet another S.O.S call from the boys' mother, I was on the verge of tears. I felt utterly spent and completely drained. "Lord!", I cried in my soul, "I seriously cannot take any more!" I went to work already exhausted.

I have been a Christian since I was 14- years old. I have walked with God a long time and I know that being a Christian is not a shield from pain and sorrow. In fact there are many, many verses in the Bible that promise the exact opposite:

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though some strange thing were happening to you..." 1 Peter 4: 12

"Not only this, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering works perseverance; " Romans 5:3

"...that I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings becoming conformed to His death; " Philippians 3:10

"The sufferings that you are enduring are for your discipline. God is dealing with you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" Hebrews 12:7

I really hate suffering folks. I don't want to do it anymore! (picture me stomping my foot) In my childish heart, I just want to go about my life, raising my kids, going to church, hanging out with The Rene' and enjoying my suffering-free life. But I know this is never to be. Because there is so much more. God has so much more for my life than a life of mediocrity and beige! God is forming me and making me into a better version of me. God is growing me, shaping me and chastening me in order to bring Him glory and for me to learn to walk in Him. He loves me so much he doesn't want me to stay the same. Christ was God's only son, yet He had to learn obedience from the suffering He endured (Hebrews 5: 8). I am the daughter of God...I am no different.

Every day I have a choice to make. Walk with Jesus on the path He has chosen for me or walk by myself. One path leads to life and one path leads to my destruction. As painful as it is and as hard as it gets, today I am choosing to walk the road of suffering with Jesus. Who better to guide me than one who is so intimately acquainted with grief?

A Divine Romance

Did you know it's National Marriage Week?

Yeah, neither did I. How could such an important subject and an important institution get no attention? Be passed over or ignored? I don't understand it, but I decided to do something about it. I want to acknowledge what marriage means to me.

Marriage matters even if the institution itself has taken a beating in the last several years. My marriage matters to me. As the child of divorced parents and putting my kids through divorce, I want to state unequivocally that I believe in marriage. I believe in soul mates. I believe in "Happily Ever After", white picket fences and holding hands when you are 90 years old. Having spent years in quiet unhappiness, finding The One who has made my heart sing fills me with such joy I cannot adequately express it.

"I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go..." Song of Solomon 3:4

I love Rene'. He is the peanut butter to my jelly, the peas to my carrots. He has taught me so much about patience, steadfast faith, and the joy of homemade refried beans. He laughs at me and thinks I am cute. I dig that. God has used my marriage to Rene' to challenge me and to grow me. Every day I have to make the choice to put another's needs greater than my own and to esteem him greater than I esteem myself. Hot dog is that hard! Some days I don't really give a crap what he wants or needs. Some days I just want to showboat it and do it my way. But usually, that selfish desire doesn't last too long seeing as I have done it "my" way in the past and yeah, it didn't work out so well.

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson

Blending families has taught me much about myself as well. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I became a step-mother. Truth is: sometimes I don't WANT to step up and be there. Sometimes I have sullen, sulky thoughts like, "I raised my kids...why the heck do I have to raise more!" Or, "These aren't my kids...why am I pouring out all my heart into them only to have it stepped on?" I have learned some not-so-favorable things about myself because Joseph and Joshua are in my life and I am being forced to grow up. Trust me, this is a good thing. I don't want to be the proverbial "wicked step-mother" so I know I have to die to myself every single day and confront my "true" self on a daily basis. Without Joe and Josh, I doubt I would have never seen this side of myself and know I would've have missed an opportunity to grow. I am grateful for them.

"You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self." ~Jerry McCant

Bottom line: marriage is hard. Life is messy. Marriage is divine and sacred. It's never easy. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and it's completely worth it.