Blurry Vision

It is so easy to lose focus when you are dieting. Last week I was sick and I am a comfort eater. Tuesday I spent the day alternately eating and laying on the couch like a meatloaf. It is so hard to resist temptation when you are sick! I didn't want to make bad choices and overeat, I just was too dang tired to care!

This turned out to be my slippery slope for the week. It turns out that it has been easy for me to resist the sugary snacks and delicious treats at work and at home because they are obviously a wrong choice. Other foods however, have been a little more difficult for me to resist. I have not made wise choices in the foods I eat. I want to....sorta. It is just so hard for me to choose a salad over pasta. A low-cal dish over a cheeseburger. A granola bar over ice cream. Especially because I am such a comfort eater.

The truth is, I am going to have to make some sacrifices if I want to get this weight off. I went shopping yesterday and today trying to find clothes to wear on vacation. That was a bummer. I don't care what anyone says, there are far less choices in the plus-size section than any others. Not to mention they are considerably more costly! I was at Goodwill today and in addition to being bit by a spider, I was slapped in the face by rack after rack of average-lady clothing in comparison to one of plus-sized. While I was waiting for The Rene' to try on his clothes, I looked at the rack outside of the dressing room with several pairs of adorable summer capris....size 12.

***INSERT DEPRESSED SIGH HERE***

For once in my life I want to be able to walk into a store confident that I will be able to purchase something cute, trendy, and so ME!!! I am an adorable vixen just waiting to be unleashed! I know things that could make those skinny stick-insect cashiers at Victoria's Secret blush! I am so tired of not being able to wear what I want, buy what I want and feel confident about my appearance. This kids, is why I HAVE to change. No more sorta. No more sitting on the fence. I have to do this. I cannot give up. I will make the choice to choose right and save my life...and my fashion sense.

Live Long and Prosper!!!!

Falling Off the Wagon

Yesterday The Rene' and I went to Kaleidoscope Pizza. So, I fell off the wagon. Not just fell off it...but you know in those Western movies when the valiant hero falls off the wagon and accidentally gets his ankle caught by a rope and he is dangling and dragging behind the wagon? Yeah, that was me folks.

I have a thing for Carbs. I just do. Delicious cheesy breadsticks are like crack to me. Who needs illegal drugs when you can go down to a pizza place and get mozzarella cheese melted all over hot bread? At the beginning, I started out okay. I had ordered a delicious salad. Then I poured ranch dressing all over the delicious salad to make it even more delicious. Then I had several breadsticks all dripping with cheese and marinara. ***Hmmmm, HEAVEN!***

I felt really bad yesterday about my poor eating. I was kinda kicking myself in the car after we left, but I realized that even though I messed up in my food choices, I have made some positive changes. For one, I did not overeat or eat beyond fullness. Two, I at least tried to order something healthy. Also, I did eat very slowly, took my time and enjoyed my meal. These are successes for me, so I need to quit beating myself up and recognize that this is not going to happen overnight, nor am I going to do everything perfectly. This is a process, a journey and it will be a challenge. But my stacks of jeans are getting closer with every little success I enjoy!

I have a long way to go, but this morning when I weighed, I had lost 3.4 more pounds bringing up my total to 8 pounds in two weeks. I am very excited and cannot wait to see what is next!

Happy Sunday!

The Long and Winding Road...

I am not losing weight as quickly as I want to. I don't know what I think quick is...but I know it isn't what is going on with me at this moment.

Diet-wise, I know I could be doing more. I have been very conscious of my intake-I am eating waaaaaaay less than I used to. I have also had some real success at avoiding the sweets and snacks that are all over the place at work. Every time I turn around there is a candy, cake or otherwise delectable treat doing an evil dance right in front of me. I hate that.

But beyond all that, I know it's going to take more than reducing the intake. I have to change what I eat and I don't want to. I really don't want to. I mean, lets be honest here...who would take a salad over a delicious bowl of pasta? A CRAZY person that's who! And I am not crazy my friends. Okay, well, maybe a little.

The truth is: sacrifices are going to have to be made in order for me to get this monster-truck-sized spare tire off my otherwise petite frame.

I know I can't change everything overnight. My plan is to change one thing. Then once I am used to that, change another. If I am going to make a whole lifestyle change, I have to be deliberate about it and not try to overhaul everything. I need time to adjust and get used to the new way of life. Once I have some success...I will move on to the next. I will let you know how it goes.

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there one day." ~A.A. Milne

A Fragile Peace

Today I went to work so...cheerful. Happy. Feeling blessed and chipper. All was right in my world---I was at peace.

Then...

The work day began to creep in. Stress. Drama. Issues. It did not take long for the pressures of the day to take its toll on my chipper demeanor.

By noon, I was a grump-a-saurus. By three, I was fried. By five, I was at home and had made a nest in my bed.

My peace was a passing thing. I had it---but then it was gone. My peace is so....fragile.

I want to be a strong woman. I want to do the right thing, serve God, rock the free world and do it all with a swing in my step and a song in my heart. Here is my reality check...1) I am human and 2) I let the outside world affect my inside peace.

There is no place in my life for anyone or anything else but God. If I am putting Him first and setting aside me...my peace is no longer fragile....IT'S POWERFUL.

How much stronger am I when I let God take control? How much more of a servant am I when I allow Him to work through me? How much more rockin' am I when I am dancing to my Savior's beat and not to my own? Where there is peace and power there is a spring in the step and a song in the heart. This much I know.

Its amazing what removing a little food, taking some time to think and really focusing on what is important can do.

Viva La Jesus!

Unhealthy habits, unhealthy thoughts

I lost four pounds this week and I am very happy about that. I got up yesterday morning...stalked to that scale as though I didn't give a fish taco about the results and was rewarded with a very pleasant surprise. I guess resisting all those delicious tasty treats last week paid off!

Here's the thing though:

I am addicted to food. There is no doubt. Food is my comfort, my friend, my solace, and my rock in times of trouble. I always kinda thought Jesus was all those things to me...but it turns out I turn to food a lot more frequently than I do Jesus! This point was driven home to me in technicolor detail last Friday when, after a tough couple hours at work, all I could think about was a delicious cheeseburger at Jasper's. I really wanted a burger to chase away the pain. I ran through the gamut of reasons of why I deserved a burger: I got called in on my day off, an old lady yelled in my face, I got cussed out by same old lady, people can be awful to old people sometimes, I was missing my time off with The Rene'. You name it, I thought of it. And for a moment, it worked. I had every intention of going to Jasper's and indulging in that same old feeling...food as comfort.

I didn't do it though. And that my friends, was the greatest victory I had this week. I broke an unhealthy pattern for the first time. It was a huge breakthrough for me.

I know that it is going to take a long time for me to break all the unhealthy eating habits I have developed since I was a child. As I have said in a previous blog, I have always been overweight. I have absolutely no concept of what walking without my thighs rubbing together feels like. I have never looked in the mirror and have been happy with what I see. I wonder sometimes if disliking myself because of my weight is as much a part of me as my chubbiness. What will I focus on when I no longer can obsess about my weight?

Today The Rene' and I went and bought new tennis shoes in anticipation of our new gym membership. We are both very dedicated to shaping up and getting healthy. I hate the idea of sweating in front of complete strangers...but I hate the idea of being a chub scout for the rest of my life...or dying early more.

One small step at a time....

Donuts and Destiny

Today, I was sitting in a morning meeting, minding my own business when BAM!!! Temptation in the form of a chocolate-coated, deep fried, circle of doughy goodness arrived. One of my co-workers, in an act of kindness, brought donuts to work for us.

Just seeing the white box in her hands produced in me a Pavlovian drool response not unlike that of a St. Bernard's. I wasn't even near the box and yet I could still imagine the yummy scents that were no doubt emanating from that square box of love.

I do love donuts....ever so much. But....I resisted. Yahoo me!

I was feeling pretty good about that epic display of willpower when another co-worker announced that she was having DEATH BY CHOCOLATE cake brought into the therapy room to celebrate her birthday. All were welcome to stop by and get some at lunch. Oh, how I wanted to stop by. I mean, I really wanted to stop by. I am sure you can relate. Chocolate is proof that Jesus loves us and wants us to be happy.

I do love chocolate cake....ever so much. But...I resisted. Yahoo me!

Later in the afternoon, I went into the resident dining room to check on the resident birthday party. More cake. More ice cream. This time however, I decided it would be okay to have a little. So I went over fully intending to get a small piece of chocolate cake but I noticed that there was also pound cake and sugar-free cheesecake ice cream. I decided to go for that. Not my usual fair...but I was really trying to keep myself in check.

I do love birthday cake....ever so much. But....I love my family more and they deserve a healthy, energetic wife and mother. So, pound cake it is. Yahoo me!

I read somewhere that each time you resist temptation, you are strengthening receptors in your brain that controls impulses. I was thinking about that today because I resisted a lot of temptation!

I never realized how many pitfalls there are out there when one is trying to get healthy and make healthy choices. I guess the big difference for me today was that I was more aware of the pitfalls. Last week, I would have grazed without a second thought. Today I was trying to give it not only a second thought but a third and a fourth one if necessary.

I know I may not always be able to resist...but today I did and I consider that in itself a success.

Yahoo!

What is that calling my name??? A Twinkie???

It's 10:06 PM....I am going to bed in approximately 20 mintues AND....

I have made it through two whole days without over-eating.

Yay me.

I am hungry though...

I am going to bed before that thought or impulse has a chance to fully develop.