Prayer of the Fearful

Lord, I am afraid.  I know it's a sin to fear and I hate disappointing you, but I wanted to tell you how I feel.  You know how I feel anyway and I can't help but believe that just the act of telling you that I am afraid...speaking the words aloud, gives me some leverage, some sort of victory over the sick feeling I have inside.

When I lost my job last April, I was so foolish.  I truly believed that I would be out of work three months at the most.  We had to move and I waited.  We sold many of our most precious possessions and waited.  We went without and have waited. I went to interview after interview and submitted resume after resume and waited.  As the summer went by, I kept thinking, "What have I done wrong?"  I prayed and earnestly sought you Lord, but you have been silent.  This is not to say that you haven't been working, because I know you have.  You have provided for us again and again; but the wolf is always at the door.  Bills are always due.  Sacrifices between food and gas are being made and I wait.  The helplessness and my utter inability to do anything to rectify our dwindling circumstances gnaws at me.  It's a constant companion warring against my desire to "trust in YOU Lord with all my heart."

I have had joy in this journey, but also some very dark moments.  I have had sleepless nights, anxiety nightmares and felt you draw near.  Sometimes I call on you and again, silence.   I  just don't understand God.

The waiting is hard Lord.  I am asking for it to end.  One month and I will have no more unemployment.  I will have no more financial support.  Rene' and I are facing some very difficult decisions right now.  Decisions that impact our entire family.  Honestly Lord, when pondering the decisions that need to be made, I feel like a little kid.  I don't know how to decide what is best.  Rene' and I earnestly seek you, but we still don't know what to do.  All I know is that I want this trial to be over.  I want to be employed.  I am so sad that with Christmas approaching, all I feel is weariness.  Should I unpack the Christmas decorations, or pack the house to put into storage?  Should we sacrifice precious money to get a tree or go without this year?  I feel like a pack mule dragging around my insecurity and fear and my mind is always asking, "What are we going to do Lord?"

"Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread."

Psalm 37:25

Lord.  I believe in You.  Help my unbelief.  I cannot get out of this pit by myself and I know unbelief is a sin.  Strengthen my weary heart and fill me with a renewed sense of purpose and trust. 

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. "Selah" "

Psalm 61: 1-4

The Reject

Tears pooled in my eyes as I read the email.  Yet another job opportunity had passed me by.  All the hopes I had of this trial finally ending disappeared as I started at the phrase "unfortunately, you were not selected."  I have been interviewed seven times for various jobs, each time being rejected.  This doesn't include the emails that I have received thanking me for my interest but I was not one of the "chosen" to get to interview.

Rejection is never an easy thing.  I remember being one of the last kids standing on the white line waiting for someone to "pick" me for kickball (side note: the school-yard pick is probably one of the most brutal inventions known to man...thank you Lord that people have wised up about the psychological damage it can cause to kids!)  I also remember being a girl that was never asked to a dance, never asked on a date, never asked to go to slumber parties and never chosen to sit in the front seat of the car with mom (or in the backseat with a boy...heehee!)

My whole life has been a struggle to deal with rejection.  I have a lousy self-esteem and when something bad happens to me, I am relatively certain it was my fault and I did something that deserved it.  I have a lot of bravado and can get my knickers in a knot when I sense an injustice being done, but inside, I hear a tiny voice telling me that it was all my fault and I am somehow to blame. 

The bizarre thing is that God chose me.  God chose me, Jessica Arenas, the candy corn addict, to have a relationship with Him.  I cannot believe it, but He did.  For reasons known only to Him, He finds me appealing and is absolutely crazy about me.  Before I was conceived in my messed-up mamma's womb, God adored me and loved me with a passionate, sacrificial love.  (Psalm 139:13-16)  The amazing thing about God is that He has every right to reject me!  I am a sinner, I fail Him daily, I am ungrateful, whiny and, let's face it, kind of a pain in the butt!  Yet, He doesn't reject me, He desires me to draw near to Him and then He draws near to me.  This kind of love should be enough to get me through the toughest of times, and yet, I still find myself mired in the muck of this world and my own negative thinking processes.  Maybe that is why I keep facing rejection.  Maybe it's time to learn to deal with the pain of rejection more effectively rather than wallow in a bag of candy corn  bed of self-pity.

This is not to say that there hasn't been growth.  There has!  I have come a long way and I want to share with you some things I have been learning during this season of rejection.  I am going to be honest and admit that I could do much better in reflecting on these things before I decide to dive into a bag of candy corn bed all day, but hey, no one is perfect and I am still growing!

1)  It is good to remember I have been adopted into God's family.  It's hard to be depressed when you really know you are the daughter of the Living God!

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,

 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ."

Galatians 3:26, 27 (NIV)

2)  God has a purpose and a plan for our life---even when it doesn't feel like it!  God uses the pain in my life-the pain inflicted by others and the pain of my own disobedience-to do a good work.  God's purpose is to do a good thing, a thing that really matters.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

3)  It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to pray and beg God for intercession, but at some point you have to suck it up, wash your face and move on.  King David is a great example of this.  While his "love" child with Bathsheba was paying the price for his parents sin with his life, David laid on the ground weeping, praying and interceding for the life of his child.  Once he realized his child was dead however, this happened:

"Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate."

2 Samuel 2: 12 (NIV)

Some of David's servants thought this to be callous and strange but David knew that God had made his decision.  It was time to move on and continue to worship Him...even in the midst of the pain.

I am praying that this trial is over soon.  Honestly, I am truly feeling the strain of the journey, but I know that God is with me whether I sense His presence or not.  I am growing and every time I face rejection and disappointment like the one I faced when I read that email, I have a new opportunity to put some feet on my faith.  Praise Him!