I am not sure how it happened. This little one who is the single most important female in my life no longer desires for me to attend the greatest accomplishment she has had to date.
Where did she go? My little one who used to walk on her tippy-toes, holding on to my fingers singing songs about Jesus? How can I ever express the sorrow that comes from knowing those days are gone forever and that the light she once had is no longer in her eyes? I weep for that little girl and I weep for the little girl inside this confused and angry young woman who feels so strongly that I have let her down...and I have.
I blame myself. I am the mother. I should have it so together! I should be able to handle all these twists and turns in our relationship with grace, logic and like Jesus would. Instead, I feel hurt, confused, and angry. Not just angry at her, but angry at myself. Angry at the changes I see in her and angry at the helplessness I feel because I cannot fix it or make it better. Angry at myself because I always say the wrong things, or don't say enough. Angry because my attempts to be accepting seem more like lack of interest. Angry because my attempts to give her space seem more like lack of caring. Angry that my silence seems like judgement and my tears seem like condemnation. There is no right answer and no safe place to stand when you are walking such a thin line in a relationship.
I know I have messed up. I am far from perfect. Those first six months after Steve and I divorced was by far the worst time of my life. I lost myself and my way. Thankfully, God brought me back and I was able to escape that time relatively unscathed. Sadly, I don't think my girl was as fortunate. I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own sorrow, grief, and, lets be honest, freedom, that I was not really there for my children when they needed me the most. Of all the mistakes I have ever made as a mother...this is the one that will haunt me. At night, when I lay sleepless in bed, trying to figure out where I went wrong, those six months are lying in wait to indict me: "It's all your fault!"
I have apologized...I have asked for forgiveness from my children and from my God. I have admitted my wrongs and tried to make amends but the truth is, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot go back and undo the divorce. I cannot make her dad want to stay with me. I cannot erase those six months of acting like I was 18 instead of a 35-year old mother of two. I am sorry for those things...only God knows how much.
I have loved being a mother. I wish I could go back for just one minute and smell her baby hair, tousle those beautiful blonde curls and whisper in her sweet neck how much I love her....I wish she believed me as easily today as she did back then. I wish she would wrap her sweet arms around my neck and whisper, "I love you Mommy!" Perhaps one day, but for now, I have the memories and the reassurance from God that He has His hand on her even when I cannot. For the time being, it will have to be enough.
