"Do Over"

"The Times.  They are a changin'."  You are so right Bob Dylan. 

I will soon be an "empty nester".  My daughter has moved out and my son is leaving for college in three weeks.  Yes, I have Rene's boys, but it's not the same.  MY children are grown, and although I know I will always be a part of their lives, my "hands on" work with them is done.  Bizarre.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the way I raised my children and there are things I am so proud of and things in which I have regrets.  There are things I wish I could "do over".  I want to share a few in hopes that you might avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into.

My "DO-OVER" Wish List

1) Pray for my children more
I prayed for my children, but I wish I had prayed for them more.  I wish I hadn't been so short-sighted in my prayers for them.  When they were little, I prayed for safety for them, guidance to raise them etc...but didn't pray for the people they would become.  I regret that.  Pray, pray, pray for your children.

2)  Choose carefully the "hills you are willing to die on"
In my zeal to be a good mom, I wasted a lot of time fighting with my kids over things that now seem trivial.  I fought with Rhianna over her hair, her clothes, her friends, her love of Orlando Bloom.  How dumb.  I now wish that I had said "YES" more so that when I said "NO" it would have had more impact.  There are issues that I am willing to figuratively "die' for.  Drugs. Purity. Jesus.  But whether or not she can wear her hair in a messy bun?  It seems so stupid now.  And controlling.  Choose carefully those hills!

3)  Spend time with your kids.  Not just doing the fun stuff, but teaching them life stuff.
I really wish I had spent more time teaching my children to how to cook, balance a check book, and why it's necessary to sort the darks and the whites.  I had my kids do chores, but other things, such as how to break down a whole chicken, I always did myself because it was easier.  Now that they will be on their own, I really wish I had taught them those skills.  If nothing else, they would have been able to save money replacing their clothes after laundry disasters.

4)  Watch your tongue
I am sure this one seems like a "no brainer", but let me explain.  I am a HUGE jokester.  I love to make jokes, tease and make people laugh.  I love the ease my children and I have with each other; the joking and the amazing sense of humor they both have, but I also know that there were times that I went too far and said things that hurt my kids.  I truly regret that.  Especially my tender girl.  Sorry Dolly.  My advice?  Don't do it.  Don't jest.  Don't tease.  It's too easy to slip up and too easy to hurt someone.  I also wish that I had worked harder to not speak ill or be critical of others in front of my kids.  I have fought with a critical spirit for years and it is one of my greatest sorrows to see that passed on in any degree to my children. 

The Bible is pretty clear:
    "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Ephesians 4:29

I think anyone who reads their Bible with any regularity knows of this verse, I know I sure did.  I justified my behavior however, by adjusting my definition of what "unwholesome" was.  In my brain it was "dirty" talk.  Sexual jesting, swearing etc.  Not even close to the kind of yakity-yakking I did with my children.  Just for kicks and giggles, I looked up "unwholesome" in the dictionary:

un·whole·some/ˌənˈhōlsəm/Adjective: Not characterized by or conducive to health or moral well-being.


Very convicting to me.  Was my teasing or joking conducive to my children's mental health?  Was my critical and unkind spirit encouraging to my children's moral well-being?  NO!  Watch your tongue!

Bottom line:  I love my children and I am very proud of the people they are.  I made a lot of mistakes, but God is bigger than my mistakes.  The times are a' changin', but I am changing too, and if someone wants to drop a baby on my doorstep, don't worry.  I got this.   

Now the Way that it Stands...She's out of My Hands

I am not invited to her graduation anymore.

I am not sure how it happened. This little one who is the single most important female in my life no longer desires for me to attend the greatest accomplishment she has had to date.

Where did she go? My little one who used to walk on her tippy-toes, holding on to my fingers singing songs about Jesus? How can I ever express the sorrow that comes from knowing those days are gone forever and that the light she once had is no longer in her eyes? I weep for that little girl and I weep for the little girl inside this confused and angry young woman who feels so strongly that I have let her down...and I have.

I blame myself. I am the mother. I should have it so together! I should be able to handle all these twists and turns in our relationship with grace, logic and like Jesus would. Instead, I feel hurt, confused, and angry. Not just angry at her, but angry at myself. Angry at the changes I see in her and angry at the helplessness I feel because I cannot fix it or make it better. Angry at myself because I always say the wrong things, or don't say enough. Angry because my attempts to be accepting seem more like lack of interest. Angry because my attempts to give her space seem more like lack of caring. Angry that my silence seems like judgement and my tears seem like condemnation. There is no right answer and no safe place to stand when you are walking such a thin line in a relationship.

I know I have messed up. I am far from perfect. Those first six months after Steve and I divorced was by far the worst time of my life. I lost myself and my way. Thankfully, God brought me back and I was able to escape that time relatively unscathed. Sadly, I don't think my girl was as fortunate. I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own sorrow, grief, and, lets be honest, freedom, that I was not really there for my children when they needed me the most. Of all the mistakes I have ever made as a mother...this is the one that will haunt me. At night, when I lay sleepless in bed, trying to figure out where I went wrong, those six months are lying in wait to indict me: "It's all your fault!"

I have apologized...I have asked for forgiveness from my children and from my God. I have admitted my wrongs and tried to make amends but the truth is, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot go back and undo the divorce. I cannot make her dad want to stay with me. I cannot erase those six months of acting like I was 18 instead of a 35-year old mother of two. I am sorry for those things...only God knows how much.

I have loved being a mother. I wish I could go back for just one minute and smell her baby hair, tousle those beautiful blonde curls and whisper in her sweet neck how much I love her....I wish she believed me as easily today as she did back then. I wish she would wrap her sweet arms around my neck and whisper, "I love you Mommy!" Perhaps one day, but for now, I have the memories and the reassurance from God that He has His hand on her even when I cannot. For the time being, it will have to be enough.