Confessions of a Fat Girl

Have you ever just felt trapped in your own skin? As if you didn't change you were going to explode? I have felt like that the past couple of days. I don't know if it's the sun or the spring or the fact that I have sassy new hair, but sometimes I just feel so.........trapped. I want a new job, a new life, a new body a new start, a new town a new cat....a new EVERYTHING!

Yesterday (after trying on the 18th shirt that didn't fit at Ross) I realized something: I feel trapped inside of ME! It's not my job or my life or my car--- it's me that I want to escape from. I admit that I don't like myself very much. I am constantly inundated with negative self-talk, self-hatred and loathing. I have never been able to look in the mirror and tell myself, "You are beautiful." I had some ladies tell me at a meeting this morning to do positive affirmations and I couldn't help wonder why I would lie to myself like that? I have never liked myself, never felt beautiful and always felt like the fattest wench in the world.

I am not trying to be a bummer; I am just trying to be authentic, real. I have struggled with insecurity my whole life. As a Christian I feel double shame at times because I don't ever want God to believe that I am not thankful for whom He made me to be. I just don't understand why I couldn't be who I am supposed to be only lighter? I get so irritated with all these skinny, skinny people who are "dieting". I just want to shake them! If they think they need to lose weight, what must they think of me? It's not as though I lose sleep over worry of what others think, I just wonder if they aren't comfortable in their own skin, is it any wonder I am uncomfortable in mine?

I hear all the time, "If you don't want to be fat, lose weight." Ah, if only it were that easy. I wish that people could understand that food is as much an addiction as methamphetamines, alcohol or marijuana. Food is my crack. I cannot escape it...it follows me where ever I go. I have been heavy my whole life. I have used food for comfort, company and consolation. I have turned again and again to my drug of choice when my life is happy, sad, angry or boring. I have developed a life-long habit with food and as I stare down the barrel of my last year in my 30s, I am worried. I feel scared. Why scared? Because it is a known fact that losing weight after 40 is infinitely harder than in your 30s. Lucky me.

I don't know what to do. I am in a hate-hate relationship with myself. Rene' and I have decided to join the YMCA, but with my track history I don't even know if I have the staying power. I know this is a depressing blog, but I am just expressing what is going on in my head. It's not always fun and games boys and girls...sometimes it’s just....me.