Where I Have Been.

Last Sunday at church a dear lady said to me, "Where have you been?! I haven't seen you in FOREVER!"  I smiled, shrugged, and said the first thing that came to mind, "I don't know."  She looked at me puzzled, but smiled and said it was good to see me and walked away not knowing that I had given her the most honest answer I could muster at the moment.  It's pretty tough to keep church chat light when the real answer to the question "Where have you been?" can be summed up in four words: 

Bottom of the pit.

For two and a half years I have been in a slow, inch-by-inch slide downhill into a pit of depression so profound that I literally wanted to end my own life.  A mass of painful life events in quick succession left me an exhausted, drained and depleted mess.  I stopped going out, stopped contacting my friends, quit going to church and curled up in a ball cocooned in sadness and despair.  I have been "white knuckling" my way through my life for months and even though I work in social services, and know all the symptoms and signs of depression, I ignored the warning signs and spent my weekends in bed.  No joke.  I would come home from work on Friday and go to bed.  I would leave my room Monday morning for work.  Come home from work, go to bed.  Repeat cycle daily.  This was my life. 


I know that some will ask:
"Did you pray about it?" 
           "Did you ask God to deliver you from your situation?'
                               "Did you turn your sadness over to the Lord?"

Yes. Yes. And Yes. 

I prayed so hard. I cried.  I begged God to deliver me from this pit.  I read the Psalms again and again.  I asked for prayer from my friends.  I did everything I possibly could to pull myself out of the pit.  But I couldn't crawl out.  I was just so tired. 
I couldn't think.
My ability to concentrate was gone.
Trying to make the simplest decisions overwhelmed me.
I was anxious.
I couldn't sleep through the night.
I was constantly tearful and sad. 
I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 
I had lost all hope (I hope that if you are reading this that you have never experienced what a life devoid of hope looks like). 
I just wanted the pain to stop.  
I just wanted to die. 

Then the day came that I couldn't go to work.  I just laid in bed and cried.  I had been crying for two days and was just...done.   I didn't even know why I was crying; I just couldn't stop.  I had given up. 

As awful as my depression was for me, it was absolutely terrifying for my Sweetie. My poor husband was watching me fall deeper and deeper and didn't know what to do.  The day I couldn't go to work, he knew something was wrong.  He knew something wasn't quite right. This man who never wants to miss a day of work walked into his supervisor's office and told him he had to go home.  He came home to find me incoherently sobbing.  He sat down on the bed, grabbed my hand and told me, "We're getting help."

I don't know how to describe it,  but  knowing that someone wanted to fight for me, loved me and valued my life enough to come for me changed everything.  There was my hope.  There was my joy.  My Sweetie sat by me as I called the doctor and has been by my side as I slowly crawl out of this pit.

I am not completely there.  I still struggle with sadness, and often feel the tentacles of despair wanting to wrap themselves around my ankles and pull me down.  I still wrestle with the desire to not leave my house and just stay home.  I battle daily to keep my eyes up and focus on the Lord and the love He has given me through my husband, my friends and my family.  I still want to go to bed,  but more often than not I don't anymore and it's the small successes that give me hope for my future.

I have battled depression my entire life, but this was by far the worst case of depression I have ever experienced.  Never before had I been in a pit so dark and potentially dangerous.  My depression smothered me and paralyzed me with fear and negativity.  Now that I am feeling better, I can't believe I waited so long to get help.

I have no real "life lesson" to conclude this blog with, except maybe this:  If you don't feel quite right or feel out of sorts, and your life has lost it's shine, please learn from me and get help right away.  Please.  I suffered for months and months thinking I could fix myself by sheer willpower. I was wrong.

Also, if you know anyone who doesn't seem like themselves, is starting to withdraw, and behaving in a manner that isn't characteristic of them, please offer help.  Ask if they need help.  Show up.  You never know what one small kindness can do in a life filled with sadness.