I Want to Beat the "Blending" Odds

"Blending families in second (or third) marriages is one of the greatest causes of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive five years."

"Marriages with blended families tend to be very unsuccessful, one of the greatest predictors of divorce."

~From the "Marriage Builders" web site

My little family is having a tough time blending.  Sometimes I think my blend isn't working due to the fact that there is just too much "stirring" going on.  Stirring the pot.  Stirring up of resentments.  Stirring up of unmet expectations.  Judgment.  Condemnation. Unforgiveness.  Ingredients for trouble in any family...ingredients for destruction in a family who's foundation is based on a tenuous connection between two flawed parents rather than shared DNA. 

So, I ask myself, how do people do it?  How do they "beat" the odds and succeed in blending families and saving their marriages? 

I have done A LOT of reading and research.  I have been driven to my knees again and again crying out to God to change my heart and give me HIS heart for this endeavor I feel He has led me to.  The problem is; not everyone in my family is doing the same.  How do I keep peace when not everyone is following?

Honestly, at this point, I don't know.  All I can do is my part and follow God, but the journey does get wearing.

If you are reading this right now, would you please pray for my family?  Thank you!

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast but have not love, nothing I am profited. Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not inflated. It is not discourteous, it is not selfish, it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil. It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things. Love never falls in ruins; but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or tongues, they will cease; or knowledge, it will be superseded. For we know in part and we prophecy in part. But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded. When I was an infant, I spoke as an infant, I reckoned as an infant; when I became [an adult], I abolished the things of the infant. For now we see through a mirror in an enigma, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know as also I was fully known. But now remains faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The Power of "WHY?"

Yesterday on Facebook I posed the question, "Am I the only one who thinks, "God, why didn't this work out? My plan would have been so much more simple!!!"

For posing the question, I was told that:
a) I am immature
b) I shouldn't ask why
c) All of God's previous blessings should now preclude me from asking "Why?"
d) That I need to Proverbs 3:5,6 the problem
e) That I don't need to know, I just need to trust
f) I need to grow up

It is with a sincere heart that I say to those who chastised me for wondering "why"---have you considered King David?

I love David.  He was real and emotional and vulnerable and fallable.  He wrote from his heart and soul.  He poured out his guts onto paper and we now have the Psalms.  He doubted, he feared, he wept, he groaned, he whined, he complained, he felt forsaken and HE ASKED WHY!!!

Psalm 22:1,2
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.


For me, asking why builds my faith.  For me, telling God, "I don't understand Lord" opens up channels of communication.  For me, seeking God when I simply don't "get it" puts me right where I belong: at His feet and waiting.  There is much to be said for being honest and vulnerable about the way we feel in times of confusion.  My prayer is that because I say to God, "Why?" He will one day give me the answers that He gave David.  It brings me such comfort and reassurance that because David cried out to the Lord and said, "Why God?" he received this from the Lord:

Psalm 22:3-5
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.
In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

Asking "Why" is NOT a lack of trust for me.  It's quite the opposite really.  I trust my wounded heart to Him and He never chastises me or chides me for my fears and doubts.  I trust God with every fiber of my being. I trust Him with my heart, my family and my life. I also trust that He is big enough to know that my sinner's heart doubts and fears and asks why. I trust He loves me anyway. I trust that He will answer me in due time and should He not, I trust there is a reason. 

Regardless of the condemnation I receive from others, I am going to continue to be real and transparent.  I choose to be like David; real, transparent, questioning, doubting AND a man after God's own heart. 

Been thinkin' about....

I have a lot on my mind.  Mainly random stuff and nothing too deep.  I thought I would do a blog entirely comprised of my random thoughts.  Are you ready for a small insight into my brain?  Be prepared; it's scary in there.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1)  I kind of want a cape.  Not because I think I would look great in one or because I am trying to make a statement.  It would mainly be so I could walk really fast and have the cape woosh out behind me like Darth Vader.  That would be so rad.

2)  Speaking of "wooshing", one of the main reasons I love having long hair is because I love it when my hair is whipped back by the wind.  I feel like Ariel from The Little Mermaid or Bonnie Tyler in her "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video.  (If you haven't watched that one in a while, make a point to do so...it's so weird!)

3)  I accidentally read a spoiler on the season three ending of "Downton Abbey" over a week ago and I am still mad that it happened.  When someone makes a genealogy for a television show, they should not put "deceased" on a character so soon after the season ended!  Sheesh!

4)  I burned my arm really badly on a curling iron a couple days ago.  It burnt all the arm hair off and is blazing red.  It hurt like a mamma jamma and has cured me of any desire I have of obtaining gorgeous locks via a rod heated to molten-lava consistency.  It's blistering and will probably leave a scar...a big one.  Curling iron-1, Jessica-0. 

5)  I recently made the realization that I follow season goodies with the same fanaticism of a pre-pubescent Justin Bieber fan.  Fall is candy corn.  Christmas is chocolate covered cherries.  Valentine's Day is for boxes of chocolates, then Girl Scout Cookies.  Next is Easter and Cadbury Creme Eggs and Cadbury Mini Eggs.  After Easter we head into Summer and then it's time for ice cream and s'mores.  No wonder I am overweight!  :)

6)  My neighbor's dog is named Monte.  I think that is awesome.  Only problem is that Monte barks like he's eaten a ball of meth the size of an orange.

7)  I need to get a job because I really miss my Sock Monkeys.  They are all packed away in my work boxes and I still haven't had the heart to go through the boxes since I lost my job 10 months ago.  Also, my kids bought me a Sock Monkey lunch box last summer that I am dying to use!  Job soon please!

8)  This morning when I was making the bed, I thought I saw a black spider and started pounding it with a book.  It was a fuzz from my black socks.  It's dead though, so that is good.

9)  My favorite milkshake is Caramel.  I really want one right now which is why this is relevant.

10)  I worry sometimes what I am going to do with myself when I am an old lady.  I don't sew.  I don't knit.  I don't crochet.  I hate gardening.  I don't quilt.  I don't embroider or anything of the stitchy variety.  I will probably end up some crazy grandma that chases kids off my property with a sawed-off shotgun to protect my moonshine still.  I will subscribe to TV Guide and sit down every week to circle all my "shows" so I don't miss the 73rd season of "Dancing with the Stars" and Survivor: Mars.  

I Don't Miss the Flowers....

The other day I was upstairs as Brennan and Rene' were getting ready to leave for the day.  As Rene' was walking out the door he said,

"When you leave, be sure to lock the door because your mom is

here alone and we want her to be safe."

 

As crazy as it may seem, this is what love feels like to me.  Not only was Rene' concerned for my welfare while he was at work, he was teaching my son to look out for me as well.  This may not speak love to everyone, but Rene's love and protection for me and modeling that for Brennan is a language that my heart understands. 

 

There are times that I wish Rene' would bring me flowers, or say romantic things or sweep me off my feet Rhett Butler-Scarlett O'hara style, but that is simply not his way.  Rene's way is the subtle, under-the-radar things that may not seem like a big deal at the time, but add up to demonstrate his big love for me.  He puts gas in my car so I don't have to go to the gas station, he does the dinner dishes every night because I cooked, he kills bugs, spiders and even the occasional dust bunny just to make sure I am not creeped out.   He helps my son with his car, he listens to my daughter when she needs an ear, he mows my Dad's lawn,  he is faithful to me, he is faithful to his family and, most importantly, he is faithful to God.  Every morning, Rene' kneels in prayer and intercedes for our family.  That is love.

 

So, I don't get bouquets of flowers on days they aren't expected.  I don't get poetry, or songs composed in my honor, or husband-initiated romantic evenings out.  What I do get however is far better and actually quite priceless.  In Rene' I have found a foundation that frees me up to be who God intended me to be, knowing all the while that behind me is someone who loves me, who is there for me and is always making sure the door is locked so I am safe. 

 

I don't miss the flowers at all.     

I Knew Better and Did Nothing...

Last night I was blessed and honored to be asked to speak at "Girl's Nite In", an organization that reaches out to teen girls and speaks to them honestly about real-life topics.  It is such a special outreach because nothing is off-limits.  Girls can ask questions of caring, Godly women and be assured that they are getting honest and transparent answers.  I love GNI and I am so priveleged to be be a group leader to some precious Sophomore girls! 

The topic I was asked to share about was "Toxic Relationships"; a subject I know far too much about.  In fact, I have had so much experience with toxic relationships, that I had a tough time narrowing it down to which one to share!  I actually started out going down one road, but ended up going down another...a toxic friendship. 

When it came time to prepare what I was going to say, I sat down and blasted out my testimony in just a couple hours.  God poured it out of me and I knew it was from Him.  I just knew He had something He wanted me to say to these girls.  I felt confident that I had heard Him correctly and it was confirmed by one of the leaders of Girl's Night In. 

What I didn't expect was the impact my own words would have on me.  Last night, as I was sharing my feelings about my former friend, and the obvious lack of Christ in her life, God slammed me with an overwhelming sense of sorrow and realization:  I FAILED HER.  I knew Christ, I knew better and I didn't share the truth of His freedom and salvation with her for fear of losing her as a friend.  I had years to share the truth with her and chose not too.  I failed her.  I failed God. 

In the months since our breakup, I have had so much anger and resentment toward this person.  She hurt me terribly; betrayed me and continues to this day to foster a relationship with my daughter that is agonizingly painful to me.  All these offenses however, pale in comparison to the sorrow I felt last night when God ripped that veil of anger away from my eyes and showed me in technicolor reality that she was lost, how could I expect any different from her?  I however, was the Christian and did nothing.  I knew better and I did nothing...

During my talk last night, I made sure that I mentioned that toxic relationships start somewhere.  No one becomes "toxic" without help.  For me, my toxic origins came from my family, but because of Jesus' redeeming love for me, I have been given the opportunity to break free from those toxic patterns.  My former friend's toxic origins came from her family as well.  I had an opportunity to help her affect a positive change in her life and familial patterns and I did nothing.  I could have shared Jesus more bodly; confront her in love with the gospel and the truth of Jesus' life-changing love.  I could have made a difference that could have changed her and her children's lives.  I did nothing and now, the opportunity is gone.  One day I will have to answer to God for my negligence. 

I share this reality with you because I hope you will learn from my mistakes.  If you have friends who don't know the Lord, please don't delay---share the love of Jesus with them.  Things can change in a moment and you may not have that chance in the future to share Jesus with them that you think you will.  As Christians, we know better and we can't stand by and do nothing when our friend's eternal life is on the line.

Dear Jesus,

 

Please forgive me for my sin of neglecting to share the life-changing power of your salvation with my friend.  I know that you are greater than my mistakes and I ask Father that you might right my wrongs by bringing someone into my former friend's life that is braver and bolder than I and will share the truth with her.  Jesus, I pray that she might come to know you as Savior and that she would be healed by your redeeming love.  Lord, continue to work in my heart and may I never again become so selfish and self-centered that I forget that I am your servant first, a friend second.

 

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Resolved

RESOLVE re*solve (verb)- to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something)


I have a confession to make.  It isn't easy for me to admit, but I think doing so will help me grow in an area that has troubled me for quite some time.  Be gentle with me in your thoughts as you read what I am about to say....

I am a terrible church attender.  I love our church and I love our church family, but I struggle with regular attendance.  I always intend to go,  but when Sunday morning rolls around, I struggle.  This isn't to say that there haven't been times when I legitimately could not go (I have struggled with a nasty sinus thing and knee problems since mid-November---but, I digress...)  The point is that I struggle.

It wasn't always so.  I attended church faithfully for years and years.  I went every time the doors were open and my kids knew that Sunday was church day-no exceptions.  I was heavily involved in ministry too; I sang in the choir, on the worship team and worked in the nursery.  I attended bible studies and went on ladies retreats.  I volunteered to make meals and took my kids to AWANA every Wednesday.  My life centered around my church and I was blessed and happy.

So what happened?

Several years ago, I started dealing with past childhood abuses and entered intensive counseling.  The issues I dealt with were so intense that I started having panic attacks and couldn't leave the house.  I gained nearly 80 pounds and slipped into a deep depression.  In fact, I was so deeply troubled in my spirit that I started questioning my faith and questioning God's presence in my life.  I never doubted my salvation, but I doubted God's sovereignty.  Regardless of the reasons and the circumstances, I stopped going to church.  I still read my bible and prayed regularly, but all told, I stopped going to church for nearly two years.   After a lot of hard work, I was able to come to the place of healing and started feeling like a new and improved me.  I started college and dedicated myself to helping others who had gone through the same types of abuses that I had.  The only problem was that I had lost a very important habit: church.  I got out of the habit of attending church and have battled the temptation to stay in my jammies ever since. 

I take this struggle pretty seriously because God commanded me (and you too!) :

"And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, not staying away from our worship meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near ."  Hebrews 10:24-25 (HCSB)

In not attending church regularly, I am knowingly disobeying a command of the Lord and am sinning.  My friends, I don't want to sin anymore!  My life has to change and what better time than the start of a fresh new year? 

As I abhor New Year's resolutions, I won't be making one regarding my church attendance; but what I am going to do is resolve.  Resolve to attend church faithfully.  Resolve to become more involved.  Resolve and commit to become a faithful member of my church and contribute to the church family in meaningful ways.  I resolve that this year, I will get my "church habit" back.

Will you pray for me as I endeavor to change my life?  I know the enemy is going to come after me with all he has to keep me from making this change, so I could really use the support. 

I wish you (and me) a Happy and Resolved New Year!