But for the Glory of God

"Now a man was sick, Lazarus, from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha.  Mary was the one who anointed the Lord with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair, and it was her brother Lazarus who was sick.  So the sisters sent a message to Him: “Lord, the one You love is sick.”  When Jesus heard it, He said,

“This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” 

John 11:1-4 (HCSB)

 

I had a moment of clarity the other day.  During our prayer time, the hubby said, "Lord, give us the strength to endure this trial, not only for us, but for the people who are watching our lives and need to see YOU in the midst of our trials."  My mind immediately went to the story of Lazarus.  Almost everyone knows that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, but rarely do people contemplate why He did it. 

 

Jesus spent time with Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha.  This is the same Mary who anointed Jesus' feet with oil and tears and cleaned them with her hair.  This is the same Martha who had the gumption to tell Jesus He needed to rebuke her sister for not helping her with the kitchen duties.  Jesus knew these people intimately and they, Him as is reflected in the sisters' message to Him regarding their brother: "Lord, the one You love is sick."  It is so interesting what Jesus does upon receiving that message.  Nothing.  He does a whole lot of....nothing.  Not only does he do nothing, He waits.  John tells us, "Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  Yet, when he heard Lazarus was sick, He stayed where He was two more days." (John 11:5,6 NIV)  By the time Jesus arrived in Bethany, Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days and Martha met Him there with accusation in her heart, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." 

 

Martha wasn't wrong.  If Jesus had come, He could have saved Lazarus and spared his sisters the agony of their brother's death.  He loved Lazarus and was able to heal, so why would He withhold that healing and allow Lazarus to die?  Jesus alluded to it earlier in the chapter when He said, “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”  Then again when He prays at Lazarus' tomb, “Father, I thank You that You heard Me.  I know that You always hear Me, but because of the crowd standing here I said this, so they may believe You sent Me.”  (John 11: 41, 42)

 

There was a greater purpose at work in Lazarus' sickness and death.  Jesus allowed these things to happen in order to bring glory to Himself in the midst of what seemed to be a hopeless situation.  Lazarus' death was purposeful, planned and ultimately glorifying to God. 

 

The raising of Lazarus from the dead seems to be the end of this story and it could have been, but  there would have been no real point to all that had occurred.  Jesus didn't allow Lazarus to die only to raise him from the dead!  Rather,  John gives us the true reason for all that Jesus had allowed in John 11: 45, "Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, put their faith in Him."    Jesus' true purpose had come to pass and He was glorified.  He had a plan all along!

 

In the same manner, my current trials and sufferings will ultimately lead to the glorifying of God. So much of my life I have stood by like the crowd at Lazarus' tomb skeptical that God could do anything to help my situation. I have also been in the place of Lazarus; suffering for reasons unknown to me and wondering why Jesus hasn't shown up yet to heal me of my pain and deliver me from what feels like death. I have also been the Martha, "Lord if you had been here, my situation could have been averted or altered!"

 

My clarity comes from recognizing that God does have a purpose in allowing these difficult situations into my life.  If I remember the promises of God; that His thoughts toward me are always to prosper me, not to harm me but to give me a future and a hope and understand He is using me in a very privileged way-to glorify Him, it gives great perspective to this period of suffering. 

 

I don't know what the future holds for my family.  In my humanness, it seems very dire.  How grateful I am that His love and faithfulness overwhelms my humanness and that through Him, I have access to "every spiritual blessing in the heavens". (Ephesians 1:3) 

 

 



Prayer of the Fearful

Lord, I am afraid.  I know it's a sin to fear and I hate disappointing you, but I wanted to tell you how I feel.  You know how I feel anyway and I can't help but believe that just the act of telling you that I am afraid...speaking the words aloud, gives me some leverage, some sort of victory over the sick feeling I have inside.

When I lost my job last April, I was so foolish.  I truly believed that I would be out of work three months at the most.  We had to move and I waited.  We sold many of our most precious possessions and waited.  We went without and have waited. I went to interview after interview and submitted resume after resume and waited.  As the summer went by, I kept thinking, "What have I done wrong?"  I prayed and earnestly sought you Lord, but you have been silent.  This is not to say that you haven't been working, because I know you have.  You have provided for us again and again; but the wolf is always at the door.  Bills are always due.  Sacrifices between food and gas are being made and I wait.  The helplessness and my utter inability to do anything to rectify our dwindling circumstances gnaws at me.  It's a constant companion warring against my desire to "trust in YOU Lord with all my heart."

I have had joy in this journey, but also some very dark moments.  I have had sleepless nights, anxiety nightmares and felt you draw near.  Sometimes I call on you and again, silence.   I  just don't understand God.

The waiting is hard Lord.  I am asking for it to end.  One month and I will have no more unemployment.  I will have no more financial support.  Rene' and I are facing some very difficult decisions right now.  Decisions that impact our entire family.  Honestly Lord, when pondering the decisions that need to be made, I feel like a little kid.  I don't know how to decide what is best.  Rene' and I earnestly seek you, but we still don't know what to do.  All I know is that I want this trial to be over.  I want to be employed.  I am so sad that with Christmas approaching, all I feel is weariness.  Should I unpack the Christmas decorations, or pack the house to put into storage?  Should we sacrifice precious money to get a tree or go without this year?  I feel like a pack mule dragging around my insecurity and fear and my mind is always asking, "What are we going to do Lord?"

"Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread."

Psalm 37:25

Lord.  I believe in You.  Help my unbelief.  I cannot get out of this pit by myself and I know unbelief is a sin.  Strengthen my weary heart and fill me with a renewed sense of purpose and trust. 

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. "Selah" "

Psalm 61: 1-4

The Reject

Tears pooled in my eyes as I read the email.  Yet another job opportunity had passed me by.  All the hopes I had of this trial finally ending disappeared as I started at the phrase "unfortunately, you were not selected."  I have been interviewed seven times for various jobs, each time being rejected.  This doesn't include the emails that I have received thanking me for my interest but I was not one of the "chosen" to get to interview.

Rejection is never an easy thing.  I remember being one of the last kids standing on the white line waiting for someone to "pick" me for kickball (side note: the school-yard pick is probably one of the most brutal inventions known to man...thank you Lord that people have wised up about the psychological damage it can cause to kids!)  I also remember being a girl that was never asked to a dance, never asked on a date, never asked to go to slumber parties and never chosen to sit in the front seat of the car with mom (or in the backseat with a boy...heehee!)

My whole life has been a struggle to deal with rejection.  I have a lousy self-esteem and when something bad happens to me, I am relatively certain it was my fault and I did something that deserved it.  I have a lot of bravado and can get my knickers in a knot when I sense an injustice being done, but inside, I hear a tiny voice telling me that it was all my fault and I am somehow to blame. 

The bizarre thing is that God chose me.  God chose me, Jessica Arenas, the candy corn addict, to have a relationship with Him.  I cannot believe it, but He did.  For reasons known only to Him, He finds me appealing and is absolutely crazy about me.  Before I was conceived in my messed-up mamma's womb, God adored me and loved me with a passionate, sacrificial love.  (Psalm 139:13-16)  The amazing thing about God is that He has every right to reject me!  I am a sinner, I fail Him daily, I am ungrateful, whiny and, let's face it, kind of a pain in the butt!  Yet, He doesn't reject me, He desires me to draw near to Him and then He draws near to me.  This kind of love should be enough to get me through the toughest of times, and yet, I still find myself mired in the muck of this world and my own negative thinking processes.  Maybe that is why I keep facing rejection.  Maybe it's time to learn to deal with the pain of rejection more effectively rather than wallow in a bag of candy corn  bed of self-pity.

This is not to say that there hasn't been growth.  There has!  I have come a long way and I want to share with you some things I have been learning during this season of rejection.  I am going to be honest and admit that I could do much better in reflecting on these things before I decide to dive into a bag of candy corn bed all day, but hey, no one is perfect and I am still growing!

1)  It is good to remember I have been adopted into God's family.  It's hard to be depressed when you really know you are the daughter of the Living God!

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,

 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ."

Galatians 3:26, 27 (NIV)

2)  God has a purpose and a plan for our life---even when it doesn't feel like it!  God uses the pain in my life-the pain inflicted by others and the pain of my own disobedience-to do a good work.  God's purpose is to do a good thing, a thing that really matters.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

3)  It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to pray and beg God for intercession, but at some point you have to suck it up, wash your face and move on.  King David is a great example of this.  While his "love" child with Bathsheba was paying the price for his parents sin with his life, David laid on the ground weeping, praying and interceding for the life of his child.  Once he realized his child was dead however, this happened:

"Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate."

2 Samuel 2: 12 (NIV)

Some of David's servants thought this to be callous and strange but David knew that God had made his decision.  It was time to move on and continue to worship Him...even in the midst of the pain.

I am praying that this trial is over soon.  Honestly, I am truly feeling the strain of the journey, but I know that God is with me whether I sense His presence or not.  I am growing and every time I face rejection and disappointment like the one I faced when I read that email, I have a new opportunity to put some feet on my faith.  Praise Him!

Letting Our Kids Fail

Sometimes, we have to let our kids fail.

Two weeks ago, our 6th grader was assigned a project that will be a significant portion of his social studies grade.  He knew it was coming, was given class time to work on it, and was apparently reminded at his mother's house and at school on Friday that the assignment was due on Monday.  So today, when we asked him to get out his work to transfer to a poster board, he had nothing.  NOTHING!  He allegedly "left it at school".  He insisted that he didn't need the stuff from school---he had it memorized (at this point, the existence of said "stuff" is questionable.)  Rene' wanted to help him; babysit him so he would do a good job, but I disagreed.  If Joe wants to throw together a haphazard piece of junk and turn it in, we should let him.  He has to learn the consequences of doing things carelessly, and if we intervene every single time he chooses to do the wrong thing, we are going to have a serious mess on our hands when he gets older.  I am sad that Joe made the choices he did, but he is now going to learn a valuable lesson: accountability. He is going to reap the consequences of a poorly done project and hopefully, it will serve as a reminder in the future when he ignores his work.


I was thinking that the lesson we are trying to teach Joe can be very much like the lesson God is trying to teach me as His child.  God sometimes has to let me fail in order for me to learn what He has for me.  If God stepped in every time I blew it, what would I learn from that?  If I do my "homework"- study His word and ask Him for help-He will guide me.  But, if I turn away from Him, go my own way and ignore the "lesson plan", I undoubtedly will end up having to take the class again.  Following directions, doing it right the first time and asking for help when you need it is a great way to get a passing grade in 6th grade...and in life lessons. 

My Holy Rottweiler

I have been thinking the past couple days that Satan is a stinky, sneaky jerk.

Imagine you are walking down a scenic garden path.  Sun on your hair (which is super shiny by the way!), spring in your step, just feeling good and loving life.  You turn a corner and sitting in your path is a gigantor  beastie who just happens to adore shiny-haired meat.  What to do?  Do you ponder the intricacies of his razor sharp teeth?  Wonder if his breath is bad?  Observe that he has some red strands of hair sticking out of the corner of his mouth and wonder if that's the buxom gal from "Mad Men"?  Heck no!  You run like crap!  That's what I would do- RUUUUUUNNNNNN!  All of the sudden, I am Flo Jo, Carl Lewis and Obi-Wan Kenobi all in one (I threw Obi-Wan in there because I imagine that the cloak flowing behind me as I run would obscure my chaffing thighs.)

Now, wouldn't it be awesome if Satan's machinations were as obvious to spot as that a gigantor beastie? When you plainly see a beastie, you run.  It's that simple. The problem is, Satan is a stinky, sneaky jerk.  He is rarely that obvious.  Rather, he is a subtle, conniving liar that has just enough garbage on you to make his lies seem credible. 

Imagine you are walking down a scenic garden path.  Sun on your hair (which looks fabulous darling!), feeling good about life, when a tiny Jack Russell terrier bolts out of the bushes and starts nipping on your heels.  At first it's annoying and you shoo the little dude away.  You continue down the path, a little distracted, not as happy as before, but still, life is pretty darn awesome.  You turn a corner and out pops the Jack Russell who starts nipping at your heels.  You shoo him again, but this time, he doesn't leave.  You start to walk faster, but he just keeps dogging (pun intended) your every step.  That little dog is distracting you, annoying you, and as you harbor thoughts of punching that dog right in the snout, making you feel like the worst person in the world.  Pretty soon, this glorious walk is not so glorious anymore.  In fact, it downright sucks stinks and you are DONE.  You stomp off the path, climb a tree and wait it out.  Well my friend,  Satan is the nipping Jack Russell terrier on your heels as you walk down the garden path.

It's easy to run from the gigantic temptations in our paths.  We recognize the beast for what he is-it's clear and easily identifiable.  The problem for me, and I suspect you, is that it's the little things that trip us up.

• Believing the lies and half truths "You can't do anything right" "You don't deserve God's love"  "You are lame."
• Consolation found in the bottom of a bag of candy corn bottle, in food, from others; rather than in the Word or in Prayer.
• Engaging in a little "harmless" gossip
• Skipping quiet time with God because we are too "busy"

Needless to say, all these "little things" can lead to bigger problems later.  Imagine how much better it would have been if rather than "shooing" the Jack Russell away, you immediately pulled out your Rottweiler and told Mr. Rottweiler to "get 'em!"  That Jack Russell would have been tearing off so fast, he would have left half his hair on the ground. 

God and His Word is my Rottweiler.  Because He lives in me, I have access to him 24/7.  The error in my thinking is that I honestly believe I am walking down any path-be it sunny or stormy-alone. 

So, watch out for the nippers and the beasties....it's dangerous out there!

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." 

Ephesians 6:12

 

Hope Deferred

Hope is a strange little monkey. It's everything wonderful and possible yet undefinable and intangible. Hope is the motivating factor that gives so many the courage to put their feet on the floor every day while the absence of it causes others to languish. Hope is a feeling, a destination, an aspiration and a dream. When withheld or denied hope can become the seed that grows into a root of bitterness. As Solomon wisely penned, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

It's hard to imagine a life without hope. Hope is why people get married, have children, go to school, invest time in thier friendships, trust in Jesus, take care of each other and take care of themselves. I believe that hope is the nebulous "IT" that is out there for many of us. We don't know what "IT" is, but we keep going, keep pushing, keep knocking and keep dreaming because sometime, somewhere, that hope we have at the very core of our being will be realized making it all worth while.

I remember reading in college about a Nazi war general forcing concentration camp prisoners to move piles of dirt from one side of the camp to the other.  Every day the prisoners would be given shovels, buckets and wheelbarrows and were instructed to move the pile back where the dirt had originally been.  Hour after hour, day after day, this meaningless exercise in futility would continue.  Shuttling dirt piles from one side of the camp to the other.  It is said that prisoners who were given this meaningless and pointless task died sooner---their life held no purpose and without purpose they grew ill and died.  What a powerful illustration! It is not enough to simply live---people need a reason to. 

This begs the question, "Where do you find your hope?"
If you are a regular reader of my blogs, I hope you know what my answer is.  I "rejoice in hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:2)  For me, my "IT" is Jesus, and knowing that HE is a hope that "never disappoints" (Romans 5:5a).  Make no mistake my friend, sometimes I get distracted from His hope.  More often than I care to admit, I start looking at my life and my circumstances and what I expect my life to look like and I find that my "hope factor" is seriously lagging.  When I start looking at me, I am doing the present-day equivalent of "shuttling dirt".  Looking at myself blurs my vision of God's heavenly purpose for my life and I find myself treading the very worn paths back and forth from meaningless task to meaningless task. 

Honestly, I have every earthly reason to doubt.  Life is hard for me right now, but because of God, I know it won't always be so.  I have a sincere and rock solid conviction that God is going to turn my mourning into dancing...and that is a dance worth waiting, and hoping for.     

THE Recipe...Cinnamon Roll Cake

By popular demand...the recipe for the Oh-So-Sinful Cinnamon Roll cake. Notice that I didn't say "MY" recipe.  I found this delicious confection on Pinterest...the home of all things wonderful.  Anyhoo, to tell you just how good this cake is, the first time I made it, Brennan declared it to be his favorite cake and now wants it for his birthday cake...forever and all eternity.  Wow.  I thought nothing could replace Coconut Cream Pie!  It's been the reigning champ for years!

Now, I give thee free license to cook this as much as you want, but you have to pinkie promise to not bring it to bible studies or Sunday school classes I am in because it's kinda my "go to" dessert.  LOL!

Cinnamon Roll Cake

Ingredients:

Cake:
•3 cups flour
•1/4 tsp. salt
•1 cup sugar
•4 tsp. baking powder
•1 1/2 cups milk
•2 eggs
•2 tsp. vanilla
•1/2 cup butter melted

 "Cinnamon Roll" topping:
•1 cup butter softened
•1 cup brown sugar
•2 Tbsp. flour
•1 Tbsp. cinnamon

Tasty Glaze: 
•2 cups powdered sugar
•5 Tbsp. milk
•1 tsp. vanilla

Instructions


1.Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9×13 glass baking pan with cooking spray. Set aside.

2.In an electric or stand mixer add the flour, salt, sugar, baking powder, milk, eggs, and vanilla. Once combined well , slowly stir in the melted butter. Pour into the prepared 9×13 baking pan.

3.For topping, In a large bowl mix the 2 sticks of butter, brown sugar, flour and cinnamon together until well combined and creamy. Drop evenly over the batter by the tablespoonfuls and use a knife to marble/swirl through the cake.

4.Bake at 350 for 35-40 minutes or when a toothpick inserted near the center comes out nearly clean.

5.FOR GLAZE:

In a medium bowl, mix the powdered sugar, milk and vanilla together with a whisk. Drizzle evenly over the warm cake. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Enjoy!!!

A Time to Weep and a Time to Laugh

I am annoyed.  Not gonna lie.  I am.  I guess I have reached my limit of platitudes and cliches and am ready for people to stop trying to fix me and just let me feel how I feel.

I am going through a tough time.  We are in a major financial crisis, I have no job, I just endured two weeks of hell thanks to my husband's ex-wife, we are probably going to have to move (again) and right now, I feel a little low.  I am in a constant pressure cooker of stress, worry and fear.  I have to struggle to keep my eyes focused on God and keep my head above water.  It can be exhausting and sometimes, I get discouraged.  Sometimes, I want to complain.  Sometimes, I want to cry.  Sometimes, I want to whine.

And you know what?  That's okay!  I am allowed.  It's okay for me to feel sad and crummy ever so often.  I should be allowed to share my fears and concerns without judgement.  Instead, I have made the discovery that people are not comfortable with sorrow and grief.  With sadness and despair.  Mourning and crying.  Instead, they judge you for being overcome with emotion and tell you things that make you feel as though you lack faith or aren't close enough to the Lord.

Not only is okay for me to feel sorrow, it's biblical.  Don't believe me?  Take a stroll through Psalms and read the words of David.

David questioned the length and severity of his trials and testings.  Just like me.

"My soul is in anguish.  How long, O Lord, how long?"
Psalm 6:3

David, the man after God's own heart, cried until his couch was filled with tears.  Just like me .

"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."
Psalm 6:6

David's eyes were weary with grief.  He felt down and worn out.  Just like me.

"My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies."
Psalm 6:7


David, in anguish and sorrow, cries out to God in his time of trouble but struggles with doubt when encountering God's silence.  Just like me.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."
Psalm 22:1-2

This man of sorrow, this man who was a foreshadowing of Jesus, grieved and doubted and wept and became angry and sinned and suffered....just like me.

But that's not where the story ends.  Not for David and not for me.  Sure, David grieved, but he didn't stay there. And neither do I.   He wept and cried, but he also prayed and praised.  This man who asked, "Why are you cast down O my soul?" (Psalm 42:5) also penned this blessed assurance, "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry." (Psalm 40:1)  I read his words and rejoice!

I think I, like David, sometimes just need to share how I feel.  I just need to feel heard.  He wrote Psalms, I talk it out.  Make no mistake: I do pray.  I do study the word.  I do spend time with God; but if it weren't necessary for humans to interact and share their feelings, then why did God create Eve for Adam?  Sometimes, it's just so nice to vent, get it all out, and have someone say, "I am sorry.  I know it's going to be okay."  rather than try to fix me.

I know inevitably, that some will read this, and think, "Wow.  Jessica's a jerk.  I am sure people are just trying to help and she goes on and on about how they are wrong for trying?" I understand that it's a risk and I am really putting myself out there by sharing my frustration.  Please know this:  I know that my dear friends mean the best, and I love them dearly for it.  Since going through this trial however, I have now learned to ask, "How can I help?" first, and save the "fixing" for when I am asked.

"Do Over"

"The Times.  They are a changin'."  You are so right Bob Dylan. 

I will soon be an "empty nester".  My daughter has moved out and my son is leaving for college in three weeks.  Yes, I have Rene's boys, but it's not the same.  MY children are grown, and although I know I will always be a part of their lives, my "hands on" work with them is done.  Bizarre.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the way I raised my children and there are things I am so proud of and things in which I have regrets.  There are things I wish I could "do over".  I want to share a few in hopes that you might avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into.

My "DO-OVER" Wish List

1) Pray for my children more
I prayed for my children, but I wish I had prayed for them more.  I wish I hadn't been so short-sighted in my prayers for them.  When they were little, I prayed for safety for them, guidance to raise them etc...but didn't pray for the people they would become.  I regret that.  Pray, pray, pray for your children.

2)  Choose carefully the "hills you are willing to die on"
In my zeal to be a good mom, I wasted a lot of time fighting with my kids over things that now seem trivial.  I fought with Rhianna over her hair, her clothes, her friends, her love of Orlando Bloom.  How dumb.  I now wish that I had said "YES" more so that when I said "NO" it would have had more impact.  There are issues that I am willing to figuratively "die' for.  Drugs. Purity. Jesus.  But whether or not she can wear her hair in a messy bun?  It seems so stupid now.  And controlling.  Choose carefully those hills!

3)  Spend time with your kids.  Not just doing the fun stuff, but teaching them life stuff.
I really wish I had spent more time teaching my children to how to cook, balance a check book, and why it's necessary to sort the darks and the whites.  I had my kids do chores, but other things, such as how to break down a whole chicken, I always did myself because it was easier.  Now that they will be on their own, I really wish I had taught them those skills.  If nothing else, they would have been able to save money replacing their clothes after laundry disasters.

4)  Watch your tongue
I am sure this one seems like a "no brainer", but let me explain.  I am a HUGE jokester.  I love to make jokes, tease and make people laugh.  I love the ease my children and I have with each other; the joking and the amazing sense of humor they both have, but I also know that there were times that I went too far and said things that hurt my kids.  I truly regret that.  Especially my tender girl.  Sorry Dolly.  My advice?  Don't do it.  Don't jest.  Don't tease.  It's too easy to slip up and too easy to hurt someone.  I also wish that I had worked harder to not speak ill or be critical of others in front of my kids.  I have fought with a critical spirit for years and it is one of my greatest sorrows to see that passed on in any degree to my children. 

The Bible is pretty clear:
    "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Ephesians 4:29

I think anyone who reads their Bible with any regularity knows of this verse, I know I sure did.  I justified my behavior however, by adjusting my definition of what "unwholesome" was.  In my brain it was "dirty" talk.  Sexual jesting, swearing etc.  Not even close to the kind of yakity-yakking I did with my children.  Just for kicks and giggles, I looked up "unwholesome" in the dictionary:

un·whole·some/ˌənˈhōlsəm/Adjective: Not characterized by or conducive to health or moral well-being.


Very convicting to me.  Was my teasing or joking conducive to my children's mental health?  Was my critical and unkind spirit encouraging to my children's moral well-being?  NO!  Watch your tongue!

Bottom line:  I love my children and I am very proud of the people they are.  I made a lot of mistakes, but God is bigger than my mistakes.  The times are a' changin', but I am changing too, and if someone wants to drop a baby on my doorstep, don't worry.  I got this.   

The "Little Devil" In Me

Lately, I have been faced with some life circumstances that, in addition to being extremely painful, are completely out of my ability to handle or repair.  As a founding member of "Jessica's Control Freak Society", to say I dislike this helplessness is a massive understatement.

When faced with circumstances such as these, the storms of life, I have a choice to make.  I can either throw myself on God's mercy, praying that He gives me the grace and peace to make it through OR I can throw myself around in useless activity and relentless mental gymnastics.  Today when I was doing the gymnastic thing, I thought of myself like this "little devil"...

Much like my buddy "Taz", I spin myself in circles, I splutter and choke and jump up and down wanting this challenge to just be over already.  I grow weary of the storm, I get sick of the pain, and honestly, I occasionally just want to lie down and not get up. Ever.  

"The LORD hath His way in the whirlwind and in the storm." 

Nahum 1:3

Here's the thing:  God IS going to have His way, whether I cooperate or not.  When Brennan was little and didn't want to go where I asked him to go, he would "drop anchor" and I would be forced to pick him up and physically move him (usually gaining himself a painful bottom at the end of the trip).  Well, God as my Father, is not opposed to picking me up and putting me where He told me to go.  Like Brennan, I will end up where my parent put me; it just tends to hurt more when they have to do the moving!

The neat thing to realize about the whirlwind and storm is not only will God have his way in them, but he is IN them.  He is right there next to me, battling it out, dragging me when necessary and comforting me when my spirit flags.  I am so grateful to have such an amazing Father.  I am so glad He keeps revealing the stubborn parts in me, because honestly, the "little devil" look isn't all that flattering on me. 

My Little Pink Bow

When Rhianna was a little girl, I loved braiding her hair and tying little pink bows at the end.  I would brush out her blond, curly locks and wrap and twist each little strand, piece by piece until all was in order and could be tied with a tiny piece of pink, purple or yellow ribbon.  After I was all done with her hair, Rhianna would run to the mirror to look---twisting and turning in every direction, trying to catch a glimpse of her braids.  After a while she would become so frustrated because no matter what way she turned, she just couldn't see what I had done.  I would have to bring my hand mirror, turn her back to herself, and show her the reflection, proving my work.  Once she stood still long enough, she glimpsed those braids with their little pink bows and was happy.  Mommy had done a good job and she could skip out into the sun knowing all was well. 

Sometimes, I am like just like my little Rhianna.  I can feel God tugging and pulling at me, wrapping and twining each piece of my life as He fashions something in me that I have no power to do myself.  Sometimes, I feel a snag.  A tug that I feel is too hard and I cry out with pain.  I complain, "God!  This hurts too much!"  God, being the good parent that He is, acknowledges the process is painful, but continues His work. Strand by little strand. 

There were times in the braiding process that Rhianna would get what I called the "wigglies".  No matter what I was trying to do back there, she would bob around, wiggle on her seat, lean her head over too far or twist around to try and talk to me.  After a case of the "wigglies", the beautiful braid I was attempting to create would turn out badly.  It would be crooked, messy or just plain wrong. There would be nothing left to do but pull out the braid and start all over---this time admonishing Rhianna that she must sit still.  See all the time that we wasted having to start all over?

So it is with me and God.   I get uncomfortable; tired of waiting and attempting once again to take control of my life.  God, being the loving parent that He is, just keeps leading me back to where He wants me to be and tells me "Be still."

I confess I get impatient.  I keep running to the mirror, trying to catch a glimpse of what is going on "behind the scenes". I am so disappointed with myself when I can't see anything. I keep twisting and turning, trying to catch a glimpse of something that will tell me He is done with His work. He has completed this painful, agonizing process and it's all wrapped up with a little pink bow. I am learning that no matter how many times I run to the mirror, I will never catch sight of anything other than myself. God isn't done with me yet. He hasn't held up the mirror to show me what He has done.

I am a work in progress. I am being fashioned by the hand of a loving Father who wants only the best for me.  The tugs and pulling hurt, but no more so than I can bear.  I am looking forward to one day seeing that little bow at the end of God's work and skipping out into the sunshine knowing my Father has done a good job and all is right in my world.

Prayerful Career Counseling

Today, I read an awesome blog by a lady who has been blessed to find her "thing".  She has been able to find her gift, her God-given talent that she can utilize and use to honor God and pour her creativity and heart into. 

I don't have a thing.

Seriously, I don't.

There are many things I like to do; sing, read, cook, write.  But none of them are what I would consider to be "IT".  The gift, the talent, or skill that God has given me to use for His glory. 

I was thinking in the car this morning that maybe that is why I have yet to find that one career that makes my heart sing.  Blerg.  I know what I want to do, but I simply don't have enough education to make that happen.  Nor do I have the financial resources to get that education.  So, I have settled.  I have settled for jobs that are kinda what I want to do, but not really.  Jobs that are close to the goal, but aren't the goal itself.

When I went to school, I went to school to be a counselor.  I wanted to be a therapist and help people.  I truly feel that is my calling.  Since I have graduated however, I have become trapped in the tyranny of the urgent.  Rene' was unemployed so I had to take jobs for money rather than passion.  I would love to go back to school, but I just can't see that happening. 

Unlike my other posts, I don't really have a big lesson that I have learned.  I guess I am thinking that I need God's direction.  So, will you pray for me that God will reveal Himself to me and that I would be responsive to His leading? 

A Farewell to my Thirties

Today is the last day I will ever be 39 again....thank goodness.  This was a really difficult year that I am glad, glad, glad to see the backside of.   That doesn't mean however, that I am embracing my soon-to-be life as a 40-something.  On the contrary, I have anticipated this day with no small amount of dread.  Why?  Because I am no where near what I thought I would be by the time I turned 40.  I am more than halfway through my life expectancy...blerg!


We all have dreams, wishes and fantasies of who or what we will be by the time we reach a certain milestone in our lives, and I can tell you that this is not what I had envisioned.  To me, being 40 means I am really a "grown up" and it's time for me to stop dreaming. When I was a young girl, my goal in life was to be a backup singer for Michael Jackson and marry Jack Tripper from Three's Company.  As I went through my teenage years, I swapped out Michael Jackson for Bon Jovi and Jack Tripper for Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing.  I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a ham radio operator (don't ask), a pilot, a mechanic, a fashion designer, a veterinarian.  I had dreams, aspirations and hopes that really didn't need to be plausible, they just needed to be a possibility.

Then I got older, got married and and had children.  Suddenly, I stopped having dreams for myself and began dreaming for my children.  Who or what were they going to be?  I poured out all my energy and love into them with the hope that my love would give them the foundation they needed to be all they could.  It wasn't until Brennan was 12-years old that I began to think about my dreams again.  This is why I went to college-a little self discovery was in order.

Fast forward eight years.   My older kids are on the verge of moving out and finding themselves and I still feel lost in a maze of "DUH".  I have two degrees, I have no job. I have no idea when or if I am going to get another job.  I have no idea what I am going to do professionally.  I have no definitive plan to set my cap on because it's all just too much up in the air.  I  fretted over this quite a bit until it occurred to me that maybe my dreams and plans aren't what is important, it's who God wants me to be that is.  Maybe it's time for me to say "goodbye" to my dreams for myself and fully embrace that God has a purpose and a plan for my life.  I mean, God said so right?  We all know the verse that people have tattooed on their calves and arms:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." 

 Jeremiah 29:11 

Awesome isn't it?  What a promise!  What assurance!  But, there is more to this passage.  So much more to the story than God just having plans for me.  I am learning that I have a part to play in this promise and plan: 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,

and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-13

You see, it isn't enough that I know God has a plan, I have to seek His plan.  I have to call on Him, pray to Him, listen to Him and seek Him with my whole heart!  This for me, is what growing up really is: deciding to follow Jesus and letting go.  I have to decide to allow Him to be the only one I listen to. 

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

1 Corinthians 13:11

For me putting away "childish" things doesn't mean that I have to give up my adoration for sock monkeys and all things Snoopy.  It doesn't mean I have to stop singing in stores, playing practical jokes or hiding in the closet when my kids are looking for me.  For me, becoming a grown up means that I need to take myself off the throne, say goodbye to my dreams of being a therapist, a counselor, a social worker or any of the things that I envisioned when choosing my career.  Becoming a grown up means embracing that God's plans may not be mine.  I may never get to sit in a chair, furrow my brow and nod my head understandingly during a therapy session.  I may end up at Lowe's garden center.  Growing up for me means that I am letting go, and if God wants it for my life, I am going to be best darn Lowe's employee I can be because His ways are not my own. 

I bid my 30s a fond farewell.  I am resolved to make my 4th decade one defined by obedience and seeking the Lord.

And if someone wants to get me a sock monkey for my birthday, I am down with that.

My Trial Toolbox

Since I lost my job, Rene' and I have faced many challenges, trials and pain.  In all these things, I always intend to be like Paul and "run the race well" but continuously fall short of that.  I want to be a "saint".  I want to walk around beaming at everyone, flashing huge smiles with grace and peace oozing out of my pores.  The reality is however, some days I am accomplishing something just getting out of bed. 

Maybe your brain turns the same mental somersaults that mine does.  My brain tells me:

It's all your fault.
God is punishing you for_____________.  (Fill in the blank with everything from eating the last Pop Tart to missing church.)
If only you hadn't _____________, none of this would have happened.  (Fill in the blank with everything from gotten a degree in psychology to gossiping.)
If you had read your Bible more, God wouldn't be punishing you now.
You should have prayed yesterday, today, five minutes ago....if you had, none of this would have ever happened.
God is mad at you. 

The other day, I was listening to a message given by an old friend of mine, Pastor Mark Anderson at Ashland Christian Fellowship.  Mark gave a message about the methods that God uses to mold us into the people that God wants us to be.  Mark said many things that resonated with me, but there were two thoughts in particular that revealed to me my heart and my profound ignorance in the ways of God.  Firstly, Mark shared that persecution, pain and problems are the tools of the Almighty God.  This was an idea I had no problem getting behind.  Don't I know it by heart already?  Then as the message progressed, Mark shared the sovreignty of God and the idea that He has a plan for our lives.  Then he said this little prayer; "God, I know you well enough to know that if there were an easier way to grow me, change me and make me better, You would do it because I know that you are good all the time."  Why was this prayer so profound to me?  Because I realized I don't know God well enough to trust that He truly would find other ways to grow me if He could.  I don't trust that God is good all the time.  When things are difficult, challenging or hard, I go into "default" mode. Instead of reaching into a tool chest full of what I know about God, I reach into my yucky, dark, dank past and pull out everything I have ever done to deserve these hard, challenging and difficult times. I do it because those are the thoughts that are easily within reach.  The truth about God and the knowlege I have of Him is buried under all the muck and when I am in trouble, I just don't have the strength to dig deep enough to get to the treasure underneath.

The solution for me is obvious.  I need to move the "good" stuff to the top of my tool chest.  I need to learn more about God, His nature and His attributes.  I need to fill myself with truth so that when bad stuff happens, I have someting to reach for that is good, true, holy and pure.  What I am going through HURTS, STINKS AND IS AWFUL!!!  What I am realizing about myself though is that my first thoughts are usually not the right thoughts.  My "default" is actually a fault line of weakness that causes huge spiritual earthquakes and heartaches in places God never intended there to be any. Truthfully, I don't know or even have one iota of what God is doing in my life. I know He's trying to teach me something and grow me, and slowly, I am learning, His ways are best because He is good---all the time.

The Secret-Jesus Style

Do you remember a few years ago there was this super popular book called "The Secret"?  It was an international bestseller and millions upon millions of copies were sold.  Now, I confess, I didn't read the book, but I did peruse the web site and this is what it said about "The Secret":

"The Secret has been passed down through the ages... coveted, hidden, lost, stolen, bought for vast sums of money, and known by some of the most exceptional people who ever lived: Plato, Galileo, Da Vinci, Beethoven, Edison, and Einstein, to name but a few.

The Secret book reveals how you can change every aspect of your life. You can turn any weakness or suffering into strength, power, unlimited abundance, health and joy.

Everything is possible, nothing is impossible. There are no limits. Whatever you can dream of can be yours, when you use The Secret."

(Copyright © 2007-2012 TS Production LLC)

Doesn't that sound AMAZING?!  THE SECRET, was coveted, hidden and only available to the greatest, richest, awesomest people on the planet...not poor schmucks like you and me.  But somehow, this woman Rhonda Byrne, a former television writer and producer from Australia, discovered IT---THE SECRET to a successful life.  THE SECRET to getting everything you or I could ever want.  THE SECRET to a fulfilling life, health, wealth and prosperity.  Holy moses, doesn't that sound just---unbelievable? 

That's because it is.

I have been going through a real period of remodeling in my Christian life.  God, in His infinite love and mercy, has looked upon my heart and soul and pronounced it to be "Not Good."  I would love to be able to report that I have been gracious, teachable, humble and moldable during this process, but I don't want to get struck by lightening or have my nose grow to the size of a redwood.  I have suffered a lot during this reworking of my heart, (mostly self-inflicted) and have gone to God's word again and again searching for something, THE SECRET to help me navigate my way through this time.  This morning I came across this little gem:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned THE SECRET of being conent in any and every situation, whether living in plenty or in want.  I CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH."  ~Philippians 4:11-13 (emphasis mine)

I have read this verse a gajillion times folks.  A GAJILLION!  Today however, God revealed to me the true essence of what Paul was saying.  God revealed to me THE SECRET!!! 

The secret is that I can do all things through Christ because HE is my strength.  It doesn't matter what it is, what the circumstance may be, or how impossible things may seem because I CAN DO EVERYTHING through Him!  Not with Him.  Not in consulting Him. Not talking at Him.  THROUGH HIM.  This means getting myself off the Throne, letting Him lead me and truly submitting to His plans for my life.  I realized today that His plan for my life is that I have no plans for my life...I let Him be the boss.  Jesus Christ is the boss of me.  When I forget that, I get lost.

When God revealed this little epiphany to me this morning, I was downright giddy.  The weight is lifted!  My life, my career, my everything is going to be handled by the creator of the universe and I don't have to worry any more!  It may be a secret, but I am not going to keep it, I am going to tell everyone who would listen.  Now, pass it on.

Withholding Good

I am going to tell you a story that makes me look bad.  I just have to put that out there. 

It's actually a story of me acting like this:

Instead of what I should have been, which is this:

The other day, I took the boys with me to Goodwill to help Rhianna look for some stuff she needed.  Rhianna and I start looking at clothes, and Joe asks if he and Josh can go look at books.  I tell that is fine, not to talk to strangers, don't eat things from the floor etc...and he and his brother happily go to look at books.

A little while later, Joe returns holding a book.  He says, "Hey Jessica, I found this book and it looks interesting."  I glance at him and say, without even thinking about it, "You're not getting that Joe."  He hangs his head and says, "Okay." and walks back to the books.  I watch him go to make sure he put it back and then continued on with the clothes hunt.

Right before we were all ready to leave, I with my goodies, Rhianna with hers and the boys with nothing, Joe comes up to me again holding the book and says, "Jessica, if you buy me this book, I will pay you back."  I tell him (in an irritated tone), "Joe, I already said no.  It's not okay for you to pester me.  I told you no and I mean it."  He again hangs his head and this time returns the book for reals.

(As if the above wasn't enough, here comes the part that really makes me look like a jerk.  Be prepared.)

On the drive home, Rhianna tells me that she is short on cash and I offer to lend her $20.00 without even a thought.  I go to the bank, get the money, hand it over to her and then we all go home.  I am ashamed to admit this, but the enormity of what I had done didn't even dawn on me until this afternoon, in the quiet of the day, when I finally had time to think it through.  I, without a thought, had refused to lend Joseph $1.49 but had no issues loaning Rhianna $20.00, and God, in His loving and gracious manner revealed to me why:  Rhianna is my child, Joseph is not.  I cry as I write this because as much as I care and love the boys, this incident exposed my heart and the feelings that I have that the boys just aren't "mine" and how desperately selfish these feelings had driven me to be.  I have always, always worried about becoming a "wicked" stepmother and this day was the first time I truly believed that I was.

The truth is that being a stepmother is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I wasn't there when these boys were developing their natures, their personalities, their childlike world views.  I came into the picture three and a half years ago with my children almost completely raised and pretty much the way I had hoped.  In envisioning what my life would be like at 40, it most certainly didn't include two chocolate-eyed ankle biters!  Most of the time, I feel like the "one parent too many" in this equation, and kind of miffed that I have all the responsibilities of mothering these two boys with none of the decision making power. 

But regardless of all that drama, malfunction and just plain sinfulness, none of this is the fault of those two little boys.  God drove this point home with this verse from Proverbs 3:27:

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."

This thing I do know: those two boys deserve good.  They deserve love.  They deserve fairness.  They deserve books from Goodwill and the all the full attention and love I can offer them.  I may not be their mother, but I can be their friend.  I am so ashamed of the way I behaved, but I know that God revealed this cold, calloused part of my heart because He desires me to be more than I am.  With His help, I can take this ugly, jerky part of myself and grow up a little.  I am constantly amazed how often I still whine about the unfairness of life.  You'd think I would have gotten the memo.

So, on Saturday, when Joe returns to our house, he is going to find a book waiting for him.  With the help of my Heavenly Father, I am going to give Joseph not only the book that he asked for, but an open heart to give he and Joshua what God asked of me.   

Unemployed

I, like 12.7 million other Americans am unemployed.  It's so surreal, finding yourself a part of a statistic that you are almost completely helpless to change.  Think about it.  Everyone knows how "tough" our economy is.  For a single receptionist job paying minimum wage, an employer may receive over 200 applications!  Day after day, I comb through the virtual world of want ads hoping to find something, anything to apply for that could result in a job for me that would pay me more than I am making on unemployment.  Since losing my job 50 days ago, I have applied for over 25 positions.  I have only heard back from one (didn't get it---ha ha).  The rest of the jobs just hang out there in the realm of "maybe".  Believe me when I say folks, living with "maybe" isn't easy. 

Being unemployed is disorienting for someone like me.  I like a certain orderliness to my days.  Get up, get ready for the day, do my bible study, have breakfast, leave for work by 8am.  Do my work, come home, make dinner for my family, visit with my hubby, bed by 10pm.  Sounds so monotonous doesn't it?  You know what's even worse than monotony?  Boredom.  Endless days of no where to go and nothing to do.  I don't tell people that I am bored any more.  I have learned the hard way that people reject the notion that I could be bored in a knee jerk fashion.  Do you know how many people tell me they would love to be bored?  I remember when I was working, I was always wishing for more time to_____________. Fill in the blank with any of the million little things that need to be done as a working mother.  Think about having eight hours dropped into your day to get all of those million little things done.  And done they are.  Now what?  No laundry to do, it's all caught up.  Toilets are cleaned.  Cat is brushed.  Lint picked off the snuggle blankets.  For a while, I tried watching television during the middle of the day. It just felt...unproductive. I feel guilty for sitting there knowing that Rene' is out in the heat working his tooshie off and I am sitting on a couch watching reruns of Mork and Mindy.

Why go to bed at 10pm when you don't have to get up and go to work?  Why get up at 5am when you can sleep until 9 and no one cares?  It feels so wrong to me.  I sometimes feel embarrassed for sleeping in.  As though staying up late and sleeping in makes me a "slacker".  The interesting thing is that when I was a "stay at home" mom and not "unemployed", I never had such guilt.  I would sleep in with my kiddos, watch "Toy Story" in the middle of the afternoon, stay up super late catching up on my reading and all with no guilt.  In the past few years I have shed that freedom and become weighted down with the guilt of the working woman.  

I have read a lot of books.  I cannot afford to buy them any more so I make a bi-weekly journey to the library, load myself up with 12-14 books and go home.  I get excited when I have new books.  Something new to look forward to.  I read and read and read and read.  I read until until my eyes hurt.  I find a lot of solace in those pages.  I have time to read long, sweeping novels again; Beach Music, The Tea Rose, Sepulchre, Water for Elephants have all captured my imagination for a time.  I have no desire to live in the worlds I read about, but it is nice to be an unseen observer hovering above someone else's tragedy for a while.

Unlike most of my other blogs, I have no overarching "lesson" I have learned to offer.  I am writing this because I want to share what being unemployed is really like...I always have had a desire to people to learn from my experiences.  I don't want to end this blog without saying I have hope.  I do.  Why I do is plain; I am a child of God. 

His Message to Me

We've all been there.  Life is hard, times are tough, and we start looking for that word, that comfort to make it all better.  We call our friends.  We post on Facebook.  We text our "peeps".  We reach out beyond ourselves for that something to alleviate the pain.  If we are blessed, our friends respond.  They comfort us with their words, their hugs, their promises of prayer and for a moment, it's okay. 

But the pain always comes back.  Sometimes worse than ever before.  Sometimes, there is a hollowness accompanying the pain.  That empty feeling that tells your spirit that life is never going to be okay again.  Then where do you go?

This has been a very difficult month for me, to say the least.  The loss of my job, my house, financial distress and family issues have made the days seem very, very long.  I struggle to manage my thoughts; they swing back and forth between hopefulness and despair.  For a while, I will feel a glimmer of hope; I know that God loves me and has a plan for my life.  Yippee!  Five minutes later, I am lonely.  I am bored.  I have no one. Nothing. No one loves me.  Life sucks.  Wah wah wah.

Truthfully, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better.  Life circumstances are such that as wonderful as your friend's well meaning words feel, they dissipate under the crush of warring emotions.  They comfort but don't sustain.

Sometimes, you just need a word from the Lord.

The other day, I was there.  I sat down with my bible and rather than beginning my usual morning study routine, I just sat there holding the Word.  I prayed, "God, I just need to hear from you.  I am tired and I am wrung out, guide me where you want me to go."  I opened up my bible and just let the pages fall open.  This is what I read:

"Therefore, since the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.  For we also have had the Gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard it, did not combine it with faith." 
Hebrews 4: 1-2

I read these verses over and over again.  God's promise of rest still stands?  Why don't I feel "rested"?  How can this be true when I feel so tired?  I read the verses again desperately trying to understand, when a light clicked on and one phrase jumped out: "...but the message they heard was of no value to them...because they did not combine it with faith."  Suddenly, everything was clear.  God's rest IS available to me---but do I have the faith to enter in?  Do I have the faith to believe His message?  Not just the promise of rest, but all of His messages to me?

My mind raced.  I have been a Christian for nearly 26 years and I have read the promises of God more times than I can even estimate, but suddenly, all that was meaningless.  My head knowledge of God's promises bring no comfort to me in times of trouble because my faith is weak and I am haunted with unbelief.

In my mind, I went back through the promises of God that I have sought to claim but unable to hold on to;

"All things work together for good...",
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"
"For in the day of trouble, He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His sacred tent and set me high upon a rock."
"I will never leave you nor forsake you..."

Friends, I am not exaggerating when I say that this epiphany has changed the way I view God and my responsibility in my walk with Him.  It's not enough to read His word, quote it in your head or put it as a Facebook status.  You have to believe it.  Believe it in a way that all the world can see and believe it in the nooks and crannies of your heart.  This paradigm shift in my thinking has also changed my prayer life.  I find myself quoting this beautiful phrase spoken to Jesus by a man who's son was possessed by a demon, "Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"  (Mark 9: 24)  With tears in his eyes, this man who lived 2000 years ago, spoke the words of my heart.

Although I am no where near fully understanding God and His ways, once again God has used the uglies in my life to teach me another aspect of His character.  I am so thankful for Him. 

"Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is a strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is Holy Love.  And even though you cannot understand what He's doing, you know Him."

~Oswald Chambers

 

Perfect Strength and My Weakness

Tomorrow I won't be going to work.  For the first time in many years I won't have a job.  I am not really sure what to do with myself.  The pain I feel when I reflect on how my job ended is very deep.  There is so much more involved in my work that just work---feelings of adequacy, feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.  Who am I without my job?  Who am I now that I am no longer a "social worker"?

I am not going to lie---I have sinned against God since I lost my job.  I have doubted Him.  I have been angry with Him.  I have felt as though He was playing games with my life.  I mean, to give Rene' and I hope that we could stay here in this house only to have the rug pulled out from under us...that seemed so...mean.   I have felt sorry for myself.  I have cried.  I have raged.  I have despaired.

Today we were driving home from looking at yet another house that I didn't want to live in and I felt utter and complete hopelessness wash over me.  Friends, it was bleak.  It's that feeling that the sun is never going to shine, that you have seen your last rainbow and that you will never get to eat hot fudge sundaes again.  It has been a long, long time since that feeling has come over me.  So long in fact, that I recognized it for what it was:  total disobedience and zero trust of God.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I have grown too much in the Lord to stay in this place.  He has become too dear, His ways have become too precious, His voice is the sweetest voice I know.  I cannot stay in this place because I have learned the hard way that I cannot do this life on my own and that the longer I wallow, the farther from Him I get.  I don't want that.  I want to feel the that "peace that passes all understanding".  Believe me, the peaceful feeling is far preferable to the feeling of being in a bottomless dark hole. 

I have hope.  At this moment I have no more information regarding the future than I had this morning, but this is what I do know:

1) God has a plan for my life.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

2)  God is forming me into a better version of me as He guides me through life events that are momentary and pale in comparison to what He has prepared for me.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

3)  God is intimately aware of my circumstances and will save me.
"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing."  Zephaniah 3:17

I just want to say "Thank you" to Jesus for His great and unfailing love.  My prayer is that one day, it won't take me two days to trust---it will be automatic and ingrained.  Still, I am grateful for His opening of my eyes and His forgiveness.  Truly, His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Like a Frog in Water

Remember that old story about frogs and boiling water?  You know, if you try to put a frog in hot water he will immediately hop out, but if you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, he will stay in there and boil to death?  I was thinking today that toxic and unhealthy relationships can be like that frog in the cool water:  the heat can creep up on you until you are boiled alive in something that was once refreshing and uplifting.

I recently ended a friendship.  Once upon a time, this person was my very best friend.  With her, I laughed harder than with anyone else in my whole life and shared more tears than I like to remember. We met when I was just recently separated from my ex-husband.  She was so accepting and understanding! This was a huge breath of fresh air for me after being condemned and judged by so many who had no clue what I was going through.  We connected on a very deep level and I felt that she truly understood me.  She was, in all ways, my BFF.

So, one might ask, what is the problem?  What could possibly have happened that would cause me to end such a deep and caring friendship?

The bottom line:  Core values.


As much as I have always loved my friend, our values never quite matched.  No matter how I say this, I know I  am going to sound "judgmental" but,  the crux of the matter is that although my friend was an intelligent, educated and oh so clever, she was not a Christian.   Honestly, were I searching for a mate instead of investing in a "best" type friendship, this lone fact would have been deal-breaker for me.

The bible states, "How can any two walk together, lest they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3) and although this verse is usually referenced about marriages, I believe it can also apply to intimate friendships.  My relationship with Jesus Christ is not just a core value, He is THE core value of my life.  I now know that in order for me to truly be "free" in my friendships to share my heart and be truly understood, Jesus Christ has to be THE core value for my friend as well.  (The exact why I chose this person to become so close to when I know, and am friends with, so many amazing Christian women, is the topic of another blog perhaps.)

Looking back on all the "red flags" I ignored, I now wonder why it took me so long to see that I was compromising myself (and my faith) by not standing up for what I believed in.  I was afraid to disagree with her about many of the things she fervently believed. There were so many times I disagreed with things that she said, did and accepted and never spoke up because I was fearful of being deemed "judgmental"  or "unyielding".  The crazy thing is that I have never been one to keep silent when I felt as though something was wrong, but I feared losing the friendship and the support.  The unhealthiness of such a dynamic crept up on me.

Years pass in this way until finally inevitably , something happened in our friendship that I could not overlook.  All at once, all the excuses, the "understanding" that I extended, and yes, the compromise culminated in one final OH MY GOSH moment causing me to see that I could no longer continue in this unhealthy and toxic relationship and become the person I have committed to Jesus to be.

I now realize that true friendship, like a good marriage, has to be on an equal footing or it will fail.  I love the differences and quirks of my friends, but ultimately, we have to fundamentally believe in the same things.  Our core values, morals and intimacy with Christ make us who we are.  And if I might offer a small piece of advice?  Please listen to the little voice in your head when it tells you something is not quite right.  It took me far too long to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit.

This has been a painful and sad lesson for me.

Breaking Free from Family Patterns

One of the most heartbreaking memories I have of my mother occurred not when I was a child (although believe me, there were an abundance of those as well), but when I was well over thirty and reaching out to her in an effort to repair our very broken relationship.

I had been in therapy for over a year and a half, working through the pain of my sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her husband. My mom knew I was in therapy, but refused to speak to me about my past and patently refused to acknowledge the trauma I had experienced. She chose to shove her head in the sand and stonewall conversation by saying, "I don't remember, I didn't know, I did the best I could." These responses were unsatisfying to me. Without acknowledgement of wrongdoing and forgiveness, I knew that our relationship would be forever doomed to surface platitudes and deep-seated pain. I wanted so desperately to heal our relationship, to move past the hurt I felt toward her, that I approached my mother and asked her if she would join me at a counseling session since she was going to be in town anyway. I was overjoyed when she agreed.

I am sure you can figure out what happened next. She arrived at the therapist's office with an attitude. She was defensive and combative. She wouldn't listen to me, she interrupted me, she told the therapist to "shut up" and stormed out. My mom had walked away from me---again. It was over in less than 15 minutes. I was devastated. In that moment, I knew that I would never have the relationship with my mother that I wanted and that my dreams to be one of those women whose mom was their best friend was just that-a dream.

Fast forward ten years.

My daughter and I had hit a crossroads. We desperately loved each other, but could not communicate. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, painful words and bucket loads of regrets had strained our relationship. During one of our last "skirmishes", after a complete rehashing of everything we had already said to each other a multitude of times, my daughter in her infinite wisdom said, "Mom. We need to go to counseling. We need help." I, in my pride and foolishness said, "No. YOU need counseling." and ended our conversation.

As a child of God, I am so blessed to know that regardless of my past or what has happened, God has enabled me to be different. To break the family mold, to move beyond my past. So many times I have seen person after person fall into the habits and mistakes of their parents and take the well-trod path of least resistance. Change is hard. Changing from family patterns is even harder--but not for my God. As I was standing in the shower, crying my eyes out over my broken relationship with my daughter, God brought to me a memory: My mom walking out that therapist's door and slamming it. I was immediately flooded with grief and shame. Grief over the loss of a relationship with my mother and shame that I had almost done the same to my child. I begged God to forgive me. I begged Him to help me be different. Mostly though, I begged God to help Rhianna forgive me of my stubborn heart.

Later, I texted my girl. I told her to book the appointment. I would do whatever it takes to save our relationship. I felt freed. I felt new.

And that, my friends is how God breaks someone free from a dysfunctional family pattern.