Prayer of the Fearful

Lord, I am afraid.  I know it's a sin to fear and I hate disappointing you, but I wanted to tell you how I feel.  You know how I feel anyway and I can't help but believe that just the act of telling you that I am afraid...speaking the words aloud, gives me some leverage, some sort of victory over the sick feeling I have inside.

When I lost my job last April, I was so foolish.  I truly believed that I would be out of work three months at the most.  We had to move and I waited.  We sold many of our most precious possessions and waited.  We went without and have waited. I went to interview after interview and submitted resume after resume and waited.  As the summer went by, I kept thinking, "What have I done wrong?"  I prayed and earnestly sought you Lord, but you have been silent.  This is not to say that you haven't been working, because I know you have.  You have provided for us again and again; but the wolf is always at the door.  Bills are always due.  Sacrifices between food and gas are being made and I wait.  The helplessness and my utter inability to do anything to rectify our dwindling circumstances gnaws at me.  It's a constant companion warring against my desire to "trust in YOU Lord with all my heart."

I have had joy in this journey, but also some very dark moments.  I have had sleepless nights, anxiety nightmares and felt you draw near.  Sometimes I call on you and again, silence.   I  just don't understand God.

The waiting is hard Lord.  I am asking for it to end.  One month and I will have no more unemployment.  I will have no more financial support.  Rene' and I are facing some very difficult decisions right now.  Decisions that impact our entire family.  Honestly Lord, when pondering the decisions that need to be made, I feel like a little kid.  I don't know how to decide what is best.  Rene' and I earnestly seek you, but we still don't know what to do.  All I know is that I want this trial to be over.  I want to be employed.  I am so sad that with Christmas approaching, all I feel is weariness.  Should I unpack the Christmas decorations, or pack the house to put into storage?  Should we sacrifice precious money to get a tree or go without this year?  I feel like a pack mule dragging around my insecurity and fear and my mind is always asking, "What are we going to do Lord?"

"Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread."

Psalm 37:25

Lord.  I believe in You.  Help my unbelief.  I cannot get out of this pit by myself and I know unbelief is a sin.  Strengthen my weary heart and fill me with a renewed sense of purpose and trust. 

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. "Selah" "

Psalm 61: 1-4