Living Through a Lesson That Isn't Mine to Learn

The phone call left me crestfallen. He didn't get the job---again. Confusion, sadness, frustration, anger and fear overwhelmed me with in an instantaneous torrent of emotion. How could this be? It seemed so promising! It seemed so---right. It just didn't make sense!

As I sat at my desk, helpless to do anything to comfort my sweetie, I struggled to even find the words to reach out to God. Pain had blunted my ability to articulate my feelings to the Lord and I could do nothing but shut my office door, lay my head on my desk and cry. With the tears, the words "Why God?" flowed from my heart. "Why are you doing this to me? To Rene'? What have I done wrong? I prayed, I sought You and yet, I am suffering and Rene' is suffering. WHY!!??"

As I struggled through the rest of my work day, I pondered my feelings and replayed my failures. Maybe if I had gone to Bible study last night, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe if were a better, more faithful Christian, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe, if I had not been backslidden last Fall, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe if I were more faithful in my church attendance, Rene' would have gotten the job. I should have prayed harder, I should have fasted, I should have, I should have, I didn't, I didn't. It's ALL MY FAULT!

Needless to say, it was not an easy weekend for my family. Rene' was upset and frustrated. I was sad and hurt. Rene' withdrew, I reacted. In an effort to quiet both the internal and external chaos, I popped in my headphones, tuned out the world and finally tuned into God. I cried to Him, begging Him to open my eyes, to understand what I needed to do. I quieted my spirit and God spoke.

I read the story of David's shattered relationship with his son, Absalom. This breach in love and trust between father and son came not from David being overbearing or even cruel to his son, it came about because of David's ineffectiveness as a father. When David's other son Amnon raped and humiliated Tamar, Absalom's sister and Amnon's half-sister, the Bible says David was "furious". That's it. He was furious. It doesn't say he was furious and held Amnon accountable. It just says he was furious. (II Samuel 13:21) As I read this passage, I kept waiting for David to do something....but he never did. How disappointing. The man who stood up to giants, conquered nations and who begged to be delivered from deceitful and unjust men (Psalm 43) had himself become deceitful and unjust. Absalom waited for his father to avenge Tamar's disgrace for two years before taking matters into his own hands and murdering Amnon. If you know your Bible, you know that this story ends very badly. Absalom is exiled, returns, plots his father's demise, David abandons his throne, battles ensue, Absalom is defeated, David mourns.

I tell you this story because I want you to understand my thought while reading this. I couldn't help but wonder what David's wife or better, wives were thinking as they watched all this unfold. Did they blame themselves for the wilderness David's disobedience had brought them to? Did they hold themselves responsible for the fact that God was using hardship in their husband's life to strengthen him and grow him? Did they question their walk with God because their husband was going through a trial and they were collateral damage?

Life lesson for Jessica: Because we are one, what Rene' is experiencing, I am going to experience as well. Maybe what we are going through isn't my lesson to learn, it's for Rene's sake. Perhaps God is using this time of unemployment and financial stress to strengthen Rene's faith in God, to grow him closer to the Lord, to teach Rene' to trust and rely on God in every way. Why am I so quick to blame myself when things go wrong? Honestly, because by blaming myself, I am giving myself the illusion that I can control this situation. If I am to blame, then can't I change the circumstances that brought this hardship about? How foolish it is to believe that if I can change the circumstances, the suffering will end! I should know by now that the suffering stays until the lesson is learned.

Honestly, I don't know why we are going through what we are. I don't know if it's for me, Rene' or, more than likely, for both of us, but I do know that God is going to use it. I do know that this time has challenged my concept of what a supportive wife looks like and what a Godly woman does in times of trial. This time has fundamentally changed how I pray as well. Gone are the prayers of "Please God, give Rene' a job" and "Why are You doing this to me?" Through this painful time of reflection (which, by the way is far more productive than recrimination) I have learned yet another life lesson---it really isn't "all about me."

God Showed Up

I have never had much success with New Year's resolutions. Talk about setting myself up for failure! I, like many, want to grow spiritually, lose weight, be more healthy, exercise and avoid corn dogs---but I have never made it more than a few days, at most, two weeks. Maybe it's just too much pressure to put on a New Year. All the failures and "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" of last year, brought into the New Year and held up as the warning sign for how to seriously screw up a year and leave it behind with regret.

Honestly, 2011 was a really challenging year. Financial troubles, unemployment and family problems made the last part of the year especially difficult. Stress and pressure on me as the "bread winner" has given me many sleepless nights and emptied more than one package of Chips Ahoy. I leave 2011 behind with a not fond adieu!

Rene' and I were talking on New Year's Eve and I made the offhanded comment that 2011 sucked. He stopped what he was doing and stared at me. I asked him what was the matter and he said, "2011 didn't suck! Look what God did for us! He provided for us in so many ways, answering our prayers and keeping us afloat." Well, friends, I was pretty ashamed. My hubby is right. They year 2011 will be the year for me that GOD SHOWED UP.

God is always present. I have been a Christian for so long, that I often take His presence and His guidance for granted. In these very difficult times however, the faith that God is always there is easily obscured with worry, doubt and fear. When there is worry, prayer is ineffective. When there is fear, prayers are riddled with fear. When there is doubt, the blessings aren't seen. It was in this moment of my greatest doubts and sadness when God's love broke through.

We received money from unexpected sources to buy our children Christmas gifts. We were given gift cards to grocery stores that provided food for our family. Somehow, even amidst the struggle, the rent was paid, there was heat in our home and food for our baby kitties. The amazing thing? I didn't even ask for any of these things. My prayers were either sporadic or peppered with doubt, fear and self-pity. Yet, God showed up anyway. His love overcame my worry and fear and blessed our family abundantly.

This year, I intend to make a New Year's resolution that for me, should be easy after seeing God's nature even in the midst of my unbelief in the year 2011. This year, I am going to stop looking down at my circumstances and start looking up at Jesus. He is greater than my circumstances, stronger than my doubts and present in my loneliness. God never RSVPs to my pity party, but He always shows up and is never late.