My Little Pink Bow

When Rhianna was a little girl, I loved braiding her hair and tying little pink bows at the end.  I would brush out her blond, curly locks and wrap and twist each little strand, piece by piece until all was in order and could be tied with a tiny piece of pink, purple or yellow ribbon.  After I was all done with her hair, Rhianna would run to the mirror to look---twisting and turning in every direction, trying to catch a glimpse of her braids.  After a while she would become so frustrated because no matter what way she turned, she just couldn't see what I had done.  I would have to bring my hand mirror, turn her back to herself, and show her the reflection, proving my work.  Once she stood still long enough, she glimpsed those braids with their little pink bows and was happy.  Mommy had done a good job and she could skip out into the sun knowing all was well. 

Sometimes, I am like just like my little Rhianna.  I can feel God tugging and pulling at me, wrapping and twining each piece of my life as He fashions something in me that I have no power to do myself.  Sometimes, I feel a snag.  A tug that I feel is too hard and I cry out with pain.  I complain, "God!  This hurts too much!"  God, being the good parent that He is, acknowledges the process is painful, but continues His work. Strand by little strand. 

There were times in the braiding process that Rhianna would get what I called the "wigglies".  No matter what I was trying to do back there, she would bob around, wiggle on her seat, lean her head over too far or twist around to try and talk to me.  After a case of the "wigglies", the beautiful braid I was attempting to create would turn out badly.  It would be crooked, messy or just plain wrong. There would be nothing left to do but pull out the braid and start all over---this time admonishing Rhianna that she must sit still.  See all the time that we wasted having to start all over?

So it is with me and God.   I get uncomfortable; tired of waiting and attempting once again to take control of my life.  God, being the loving parent that He is, just keeps leading me back to where He wants me to be and tells me "Be still."

I confess I get impatient.  I keep running to the mirror, trying to catch a glimpse of what is going on "behind the scenes". I am so disappointed with myself when I can't see anything. I keep twisting and turning, trying to catch a glimpse of something that will tell me He is done with His work. He has completed this painful, agonizing process and it's all wrapped up with a little pink bow. I am learning that no matter how many times I run to the mirror, I will never catch sight of anything other than myself. God isn't done with me yet. He hasn't held up the mirror to show me what He has done.

I am a work in progress. I am being fashioned by the hand of a loving Father who wants only the best for me.  The tugs and pulling hurt, but no more so than I can bear.  I am looking forward to one day seeing that little bow at the end of God's work and skipping out into the sunshine knowing my Father has done a good job and all is right in my world.

Prayerful Career Counseling

Today, I read an awesome blog by a lady who has been blessed to find her "thing".  She has been able to find her gift, her God-given talent that she can utilize and use to honor God and pour her creativity and heart into. 

I don't have a thing.

Seriously, I don't.

There are many things I like to do; sing, read, cook, write.  But none of them are what I would consider to be "IT".  The gift, the talent, or skill that God has given me to use for His glory. 

I was thinking in the car this morning that maybe that is why I have yet to find that one career that makes my heart sing.  Blerg.  I know what I want to do, but I simply don't have enough education to make that happen.  Nor do I have the financial resources to get that education.  So, I have settled.  I have settled for jobs that are kinda what I want to do, but not really.  Jobs that are close to the goal, but aren't the goal itself.

When I went to school, I went to school to be a counselor.  I wanted to be a therapist and help people.  I truly feel that is my calling.  Since I have graduated however, I have become trapped in the tyranny of the urgent.  Rene' was unemployed so I had to take jobs for money rather than passion.  I would love to go back to school, but I just can't see that happening. 

Unlike my other posts, I don't really have a big lesson that I have learned.  I guess I am thinking that I need God's direction.  So, will you pray for me that God will reveal Himself to me and that I would be responsive to His leading? 

A Farewell to my Thirties

Today is the last day I will ever be 39 again....thank goodness.  This was a really difficult year that I am glad, glad, glad to see the backside of.   That doesn't mean however, that I am embracing my soon-to-be life as a 40-something.  On the contrary, I have anticipated this day with no small amount of dread.  Why?  Because I am no where near what I thought I would be by the time I turned 40.  I am more than halfway through my life expectancy...blerg!


We all have dreams, wishes and fantasies of who or what we will be by the time we reach a certain milestone in our lives, and I can tell you that this is not what I had envisioned.  To me, being 40 means I am really a "grown up" and it's time for me to stop dreaming. When I was a young girl, my goal in life was to be a backup singer for Michael Jackson and marry Jack Tripper from Three's Company.  As I went through my teenage years, I swapped out Michael Jackson for Bon Jovi and Jack Tripper for Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing.  I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a ham radio operator (don't ask), a pilot, a mechanic, a fashion designer, a veterinarian.  I had dreams, aspirations and hopes that really didn't need to be plausible, they just needed to be a possibility.

Then I got older, got married and and had children.  Suddenly, I stopped having dreams for myself and began dreaming for my children.  Who or what were they going to be?  I poured out all my energy and love into them with the hope that my love would give them the foundation they needed to be all they could.  It wasn't until Brennan was 12-years old that I began to think about my dreams again.  This is why I went to college-a little self discovery was in order.

Fast forward eight years.   My older kids are on the verge of moving out and finding themselves and I still feel lost in a maze of "DUH".  I have two degrees, I have no job. I have no idea when or if I am going to get another job.  I have no idea what I am going to do professionally.  I have no definitive plan to set my cap on because it's all just too much up in the air.  I  fretted over this quite a bit until it occurred to me that maybe my dreams and plans aren't what is important, it's who God wants me to be that is.  Maybe it's time for me to say "goodbye" to my dreams for myself and fully embrace that God has a purpose and a plan for my life.  I mean, God said so right?  We all know the verse that people have tattooed on their calves and arms:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." 

 Jeremiah 29:11 

Awesome isn't it?  What a promise!  What assurance!  But, there is more to this passage.  So much more to the story than God just having plans for me.  I am learning that I have a part to play in this promise and plan: 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,

and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-13

You see, it isn't enough that I know God has a plan, I have to seek His plan.  I have to call on Him, pray to Him, listen to Him and seek Him with my whole heart!  This for me, is what growing up really is: deciding to follow Jesus and letting go.  I have to decide to allow Him to be the only one I listen to. 

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

1 Corinthians 13:11

For me putting away "childish" things doesn't mean that I have to give up my adoration for sock monkeys and all things Snoopy.  It doesn't mean I have to stop singing in stores, playing practical jokes or hiding in the closet when my kids are looking for me.  For me, becoming a grown up means that I need to take myself off the throne, say goodbye to my dreams of being a therapist, a counselor, a social worker or any of the things that I envisioned when choosing my career.  Becoming a grown up means embracing that God's plans may not be mine.  I may never get to sit in a chair, furrow my brow and nod my head understandingly during a therapy session.  I may end up at Lowe's garden center.  Growing up for me means that I am letting go, and if God wants it for my life, I am going to be best darn Lowe's employee I can be because His ways are not my own. 

I bid my 30s a fond farewell.  I am resolved to make my 4th decade one defined by obedience and seeking the Lord.

And if someone wants to get me a sock monkey for my birthday, I am down with that.