We all have dreams, wishes and fantasies of who or what we will be by the time we reach a certain milestone in our lives, and I can tell you that this is not what I had envisioned. To me, being 40 means I am really a "grown up" and it's time for me to stop dreaming. When I was a young girl, my goal in life was to be a backup singer for Michael Jackson and marry Jack Tripper from Three's Company. As I went through my teenage years, I swapped out Michael Jackson for Bon Jovi and Jack Tripper for Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing. I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a ham radio operator (don't ask), a pilot, a mechanic, a fashion designer, a veterinarian. I had dreams, aspirations and hopes that really didn't need to be plausible, they just needed to be a possibility.
Then I got older, got married and and had children. Suddenly, I stopped having dreams for myself and began dreaming for my children. Who or what were they going to be? I poured out all my energy and love into them with the hope that my love would give them the foundation they needed to be all they could. It wasn't until Brennan was 12-years old that I began to think about my dreams again. This is why I went to college-a little self discovery was in order.
Fast forward eight years. My older kids are on the verge of moving out and finding themselves and I still feel lost in a maze of "DUH". I have two degrees, I have no job. I have no idea when or if I am going to get another job. I have no idea what I am going to do professionally. I have no definitive plan to set my cap on because it's all just too much up in the air. I fretted over this quite a bit until it occurred to me that maybe my dreams and plans aren't what is important, it's who God wants me to be that is. Maybe it's time for me to say "goodbye" to my dreams for myself and fully embrace that God has a purpose and a plan for my life. I mean, God said so right? We all know the verse that people have tattooed on their calves and arms:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
Awesome isn't it? What a promise! What assurance! But, there is more to this passage. So much more to the story than God just having plans for me. I am learning that I have a part to play in this promise and plan:
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:12-13
You see, it isn't enough that I know God has a plan, I have to seek His plan. I have to call on Him, pray to Him, listen to Him and seek Him with my whole heart! This for me, is what growing up really is: deciding to follow Jesus and letting go. I have to decide to allow Him to be the only one I listen to.
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
1 Corinthians 13:11
For me putting away "childish" things doesn't mean that I have to give up my adoration for sock monkeys and all things Snoopy. It doesn't mean I have to stop singing in stores, playing practical jokes or hiding in the closet when my kids are looking for me. For me, becoming a grown up means that I need to take myself off the throne, say goodbye to my dreams of being a therapist, a counselor, a social worker or any of the things that I envisioned when choosing my career. Becoming a grown up means embracing that God's plans may not be mine. I may never get to sit in a chair, furrow my brow and nod my head understandingly during a therapy session. I may end up at Lowe's garden center. Growing up for me means that I am letting go, and if God wants it for my life, I am going to be best darn Lowe's employee I can be because His ways are not my own.
I bid my 30s a fond farewell. I am resolved to make my 4th decade one defined by obedience and seeking the Lord.
And if someone wants to get me a sock monkey for my birthday, I am down with that.
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