But the pain always comes back. Sometimes worse than ever before. Sometimes, there is a hollowness accompanying the pain. That empty feeling that tells your spirit that life is never going to be okay again. Then where do you go?
This has been a very difficult month for me, to say the least. The loss of my job, my house, financial distress and family issues have made the days seem very, very long. I struggle to manage my thoughts; they swing back and forth between hopefulness and despair. For a while, I will feel a glimmer of hope; I know that God loves me and has a plan for my life. Yippee! Five minutes later, I am lonely. I am bored. I have no one. Nothing. No one loves me. Life sucks. Wah wah wah.
Truthfully, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better. Life circumstances are such that as wonderful as your friend's well meaning words feel, they dissipate under the crush of warring emotions. They comfort but don't sustain.
Sometimes, you just need a word from the Lord.
The other day, I was there. I sat down with my bible and rather than beginning my usual morning study routine, I just sat there holding the Word. I prayed, "God, I just need to hear from you. I am tired and I am wrung out, guide me where you want me to go." I opened up my bible and just let the pages fall open. This is what I read:
"Therefore, since the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. For we also have had the Gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard it, did not combine it with faith."
Hebrews 4: 1-2
I read these verses over and over again. God's promise of rest still stands? Why don't I feel "rested"? How can this be true when I feel so tired? I read the verses again desperately trying to understand, when a light clicked on and one phrase jumped out: "...but the message they heard was of no value to them...because they did not combine it with faith." Suddenly, everything was clear. God's rest IS available to me---but do I have the faith to enter in? Do I have the faith to believe His message? Not just the promise of rest, but all of His messages to me?
My mind raced. I have been a Christian for nearly 26 years and I have read the promises of God more times than I can even estimate, but suddenly, all that was meaningless. My head knowledge of God's promises bring no comfort to me in times of trouble because my faith is weak and I am haunted with unbelief.
In my mind, I went back through the promises of God that I have sought to claim but unable to hold on to;
"All things work together for good...",
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"
"For in the day of trouble, He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His sacred tent and set me high upon a rock."
"I will never leave you nor forsake you..."
Friends, I am not exaggerating when I say that this epiphany has changed the way I view God and my responsibility in my walk with Him. It's not enough to read His word, quote it in your head or put it as a Facebook status. You have to believe it. Believe it in a way that all the world can see and believe it in the nooks and crannies of your heart. This paradigm shift in my thinking has also changed my prayer life. I find myself quoting this beautiful phrase spoken to Jesus by a man who's son was possessed by a demon, "Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9: 24) With tears in his eyes, this man who lived 2000 years ago, spoke the words of my heart.
Although I am no where near fully understanding God and His ways, once again God has used the uglies in my life to teach me another aspect of His character. I am so thankful for Him.
"Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is a strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is Holy Love. And even though you cannot understand what He's doing, you know Him."
~Oswald Chambers
