Tomorrow I won't be going to work. For the first time in many years I won't have a job. I am not really sure what to do with myself. The pain I feel when I reflect on how my job ended is very deep. There is so much more involved in my work that just work---feelings of adequacy, feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. Who am I without my job? Who am I now that I am no longer a "social worker"?
I am not going to lie---I have sinned against God since I lost my job. I have doubted Him. I have been angry with Him. I have felt as though He was playing games with my life. I mean, to give Rene' and I hope that we could stay here in this house only to have the rug pulled out from under us...that seemed so...mean. I have felt sorry for myself. I have cried. I have raged. I have despaired.
Today we were driving home from looking at yet another house that I didn't want to live in and I felt utter and complete hopelessness wash over me. Friends, it was bleak. It's that feeling that the sun is never going to shine, that you have seen your last rainbow and that you will never get to eat hot fudge sundaes again. It has been a long, long time since that feeling has come over me. So long in fact, that I recognized it for what it was: total disobedience and zero trust of God. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have grown too much in the Lord to stay in this place. He has become too dear, His ways have become too precious, His voice is the sweetest voice I know. I cannot stay in this place because I have learned the hard way that I cannot do this life on my own and that the longer I wallow, the farther from Him I get. I don't want that. I want to feel the that "peace that passes all understanding". Believe me, the peaceful feeling is far preferable to the feeling of being in a bottomless dark hole.
I have hope. At this moment I have no more information regarding the future than I had this morning, but this is what I do know:
1) God has a plan for my life.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
2) God is forming me into a better version of me as He guides me through life events that are momentary and pale in comparison to what He has prepared for me.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
3) God is intimately aware of my circumstances and will save me.
"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing." Zephaniah 3:17
I just want to say "Thank you" to Jesus for His great and unfailing love. My prayer is that one day, it won't take me two days to trust---it will be automatic and ingrained. Still, I am grateful for His opening of my eyes and His forgiveness. Truly, His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
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