Prayer of the Fearful

Lord, I am afraid.  I know it's a sin to fear and I hate disappointing you, but I wanted to tell you how I feel.  You know how I feel anyway and I can't help but believe that just the act of telling you that I am afraid...speaking the words aloud, gives me some leverage, some sort of victory over the sick feeling I have inside.

When I lost my job last April, I was so foolish.  I truly believed that I would be out of work three months at the most.  We had to move and I waited.  We sold many of our most precious possessions and waited.  We went without and have waited. I went to interview after interview and submitted resume after resume and waited.  As the summer went by, I kept thinking, "What have I done wrong?"  I prayed and earnestly sought you Lord, but you have been silent.  This is not to say that you haven't been working, because I know you have.  You have provided for us again and again; but the wolf is always at the door.  Bills are always due.  Sacrifices between food and gas are being made and I wait.  The helplessness and my utter inability to do anything to rectify our dwindling circumstances gnaws at me.  It's a constant companion warring against my desire to "trust in YOU Lord with all my heart."

I have had joy in this journey, but also some very dark moments.  I have had sleepless nights, anxiety nightmares and felt you draw near.  Sometimes I call on you and again, silence.   I  just don't understand God.

The waiting is hard Lord.  I am asking for it to end.  One month and I will have no more unemployment.  I will have no more financial support.  Rene' and I are facing some very difficult decisions right now.  Decisions that impact our entire family.  Honestly Lord, when pondering the decisions that need to be made, I feel like a little kid.  I don't know how to decide what is best.  Rene' and I earnestly seek you, but we still don't know what to do.  All I know is that I want this trial to be over.  I want to be employed.  I am so sad that with Christmas approaching, all I feel is weariness.  Should I unpack the Christmas decorations, or pack the house to put into storage?  Should we sacrifice precious money to get a tree or go without this year?  I feel like a pack mule dragging around my insecurity and fear and my mind is always asking, "What are we going to do Lord?"

"Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread."

Psalm 37:25

Lord.  I believe in You.  Help my unbelief.  I cannot get out of this pit by myself and I know unbelief is a sin.  Strengthen my weary heart and fill me with a renewed sense of purpose and trust. 

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. "Selah" "

Psalm 61: 1-4

The Reject

Tears pooled in my eyes as I read the email.  Yet another job opportunity had passed me by.  All the hopes I had of this trial finally ending disappeared as I started at the phrase "unfortunately, you were not selected."  I have been interviewed seven times for various jobs, each time being rejected.  This doesn't include the emails that I have received thanking me for my interest but I was not one of the "chosen" to get to interview.

Rejection is never an easy thing.  I remember being one of the last kids standing on the white line waiting for someone to "pick" me for kickball (side note: the school-yard pick is probably one of the most brutal inventions known to man...thank you Lord that people have wised up about the psychological damage it can cause to kids!)  I also remember being a girl that was never asked to a dance, never asked on a date, never asked to go to slumber parties and never chosen to sit in the front seat of the car with mom (or in the backseat with a boy...heehee!)

My whole life has been a struggle to deal with rejection.  I have a lousy self-esteem and when something bad happens to me, I am relatively certain it was my fault and I did something that deserved it.  I have a lot of bravado and can get my knickers in a knot when I sense an injustice being done, but inside, I hear a tiny voice telling me that it was all my fault and I am somehow to blame. 

The bizarre thing is that God chose me.  God chose me, Jessica Arenas, the candy corn addict, to have a relationship with Him.  I cannot believe it, but He did.  For reasons known only to Him, He finds me appealing and is absolutely crazy about me.  Before I was conceived in my messed-up mamma's womb, God adored me and loved me with a passionate, sacrificial love.  (Psalm 139:13-16)  The amazing thing about God is that He has every right to reject me!  I am a sinner, I fail Him daily, I am ungrateful, whiny and, let's face it, kind of a pain in the butt!  Yet, He doesn't reject me, He desires me to draw near to Him and then He draws near to me.  This kind of love should be enough to get me through the toughest of times, and yet, I still find myself mired in the muck of this world and my own negative thinking processes.  Maybe that is why I keep facing rejection.  Maybe it's time to learn to deal with the pain of rejection more effectively rather than wallow in a bag of candy corn  bed of self-pity.

This is not to say that there hasn't been growth.  There has!  I have come a long way and I want to share with you some things I have been learning during this season of rejection.  I am going to be honest and admit that I could do much better in reflecting on these things before I decide to dive into a bag of candy corn bed all day, but hey, no one is perfect and I am still growing!

1)  It is good to remember I have been adopted into God's family.  It's hard to be depressed when you really know you are the daughter of the Living God!

"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith,

 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ."

Galatians 3:26, 27 (NIV)

2)  God has a purpose and a plan for our life---even when it doesn't feel like it!  God uses the pain in my life-the pain inflicted by others and the pain of my own disobedience-to do a good work.  God's purpose is to do a good thing, a thing that really matters.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

3)  It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to pray and beg God for intercession, but at some point you have to suck it up, wash your face and move on.  King David is a great example of this.  While his "love" child with Bathsheba was paying the price for his parents sin with his life, David laid on the ground weeping, praying and interceding for the life of his child.  Once he realized his child was dead however, this happened:

"Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate."

2 Samuel 2: 12 (NIV)

Some of David's servants thought this to be callous and strange but David knew that God had made his decision.  It was time to move on and continue to worship Him...even in the midst of the pain.

I am praying that this trial is over soon.  Honestly, I am truly feeling the strain of the journey, but I know that God is with me whether I sense His presence or not.  I am growing and every time I face rejection and disappointment like the one I faced when I read that email, I have a new opportunity to put some feet on my faith.  Praise Him!

Letting Our Kids Fail

Sometimes, we have to let our kids fail.

Two weeks ago, our 6th grader was assigned a project that will be a significant portion of his social studies grade.  He knew it was coming, was given class time to work on it, and was apparently reminded at his mother's house and at school on Friday that the assignment was due on Monday.  So today, when we asked him to get out his work to transfer to a poster board, he had nothing.  NOTHING!  He allegedly "left it at school".  He insisted that he didn't need the stuff from school---he had it memorized (at this point, the existence of said "stuff" is questionable.)  Rene' wanted to help him; babysit him so he would do a good job, but I disagreed.  If Joe wants to throw together a haphazard piece of junk and turn it in, we should let him.  He has to learn the consequences of doing things carelessly, and if we intervene every single time he chooses to do the wrong thing, we are going to have a serious mess on our hands when he gets older.  I am sad that Joe made the choices he did, but he is now going to learn a valuable lesson: accountability. He is going to reap the consequences of a poorly done project and hopefully, it will serve as a reminder in the future when he ignores his work.


I was thinking that the lesson we are trying to teach Joe can be very much like the lesson God is trying to teach me as His child.  God sometimes has to let me fail in order for me to learn what He has for me.  If God stepped in every time I blew it, what would I learn from that?  If I do my "homework"- study His word and ask Him for help-He will guide me.  But, if I turn away from Him, go my own way and ignore the "lesson plan", I undoubtedly will end up having to take the class again.  Following directions, doing it right the first time and asking for help when you need it is a great way to get a passing grade in 6th grade...and in life lessons. 

My Holy Rottweiler

I have been thinking the past couple days that Satan is a stinky, sneaky jerk.

Imagine you are walking down a scenic garden path.  Sun on your hair (which is super shiny by the way!), spring in your step, just feeling good and loving life.  You turn a corner and sitting in your path is a gigantor  beastie who just happens to adore shiny-haired meat.  What to do?  Do you ponder the intricacies of his razor sharp teeth?  Wonder if his breath is bad?  Observe that he has some red strands of hair sticking out of the corner of his mouth and wonder if that's the buxom gal from "Mad Men"?  Heck no!  You run like crap!  That's what I would do- RUUUUUUNNNNNN!  All of the sudden, I am Flo Jo, Carl Lewis and Obi-Wan Kenobi all in one (I threw Obi-Wan in there because I imagine that the cloak flowing behind me as I run would obscure my chaffing thighs.)

Now, wouldn't it be awesome if Satan's machinations were as obvious to spot as that a gigantor beastie? When you plainly see a beastie, you run.  It's that simple. The problem is, Satan is a stinky, sneaky jerk.  He is rarely that obvious.  Rather, he is a subtle, conniving liar that has just enough garbage on you to make his lies seem credible. 

Imagine you are walking down a scenic garden path.  Sun on your hair (which looks fabulous darling!), feeling good about life, when a tiny Jack Russell terrier bolts out of the bushes and starts nipping on your heels.  At first it's annoying and you shoo the little dude away.  You continue down the path, a little distracted, not as happy as before, but still, life is pretty darn awesome.  You turn a corner and out pops the Jack Russell who starts nipping at your heels.  You shoo him again, but this time, he doesn't leave.  You start to walk faster, but he just keeps dogging (pun intended) your every step.  That little dog is distracting you, annoying you, and as you harbor thoughts of punching that dog right in the snout, making you feel like the worst person in the world.  Pretty soon, this glorious walk is not so glorious anymore.  In fact, it downright sucks stinks and you are DONE.  You stomp off the path, climb a tree and wait it out.  Well my friend,  Satan is the nipping Jack Russell terrier on your heels as you walk down the garden path.

It's easy to run from the gigantic temptations in our paths.  We recognize the beast for what he is-it's clear and easily identifiable.  The problem for me, and I suspect you, is that it's the little things that trip us up.

• Believing the lies and half truths "You can't do anything right" "You don't deserve God's love"  "You are lame."
• Consolation found in the bottom of a bag of candy corn bottle, in food, from others; rather than in the Word or in Prayer.
• Engaging in a little "harmless" gossip
• Skipping quiet time with God because we are too "busy"

Needless to say, all these "little things" can lead to bigger problems later.  Imagine how much better it would have been if rather than "shooing" the Jack Russell away, you immediately pulled out your Rottweiler and told Mr. Rottweiler to "get 'em!"  That Jack Russell would have been tearing off so fast, he would have left half his hair on the ground. 

God and His Word is my Rottweiler.  Because He lives in me, I have access to him 24/7.  The error in my thinking is that I honestly believe I am walking down any path-be it sunny or stormy-alone. 

So, watch out for the nippers and the beasties....it's dangerous out there!

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." 

Ephesians 6:12

 

Hope Deferred

Hope is a strange little monkey. It's everything wonderful and possible yet undefinable and intangible. Hope is the motivating factor that gives so many the courage to put their feet on the floor every day while the absence of it causes others to languish. Hope is a feeling, a destination, an aspiration and a dream. When withheld or denied hope can become the seed that grows into a root of bitterness. As Solomon wisely penned, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

It's hard to imagine a life without hope. Hope is why people get married, have children, go to school, invest time in thier friendships, trust in Jesus, take care of each other and take care of themselves. I believe that hope is the nebulous "IT" that is out there for many of us. We don't know what "IT" is, but we keep going, keep pushing, keep knocking and keep dreaming because sometime, somewhere, that hope we have at the very core of our being will be realized making it all worth while.

I remember reading in college about a Nazi war general forcing concentration camp prisoners to move piles of dirt from one side of the camp to the other.  Every day the prisoners would be given shovels, buckets and wheelbarrows and were instructed to move the pile back where the dirt had originally been.  Hour after hour, day after day, this meaningless exercise in futility would continue.  Shuttling dirt piles from one side of the camp to the other.  It is said that prisoners who were given this meaningless and pointless task died sooner---their life held no purpose and without purpose they grew ill and died.  What a powerful illustration! It is not enough to simply live---people need a reason to. 

This begs the question, "Where do you find your hope?"
If you are a regular reader of my blogs, I hope you know what my answer is.  I "rejoice in hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:2)  For me, my "IT" is Jesus, and knowing that HE is a hope that "never disappoints" (Romans 5:5a).  Make no mistake my friend, sometimes I get distracted from His hope.  More often than I care to admit, I start looking at my life and my circumstances and what I expect my life to look like and I find that my "hope factor" is seriously lagging.  When I start looking at me, I am doing the present-day equivalent of "shuttling dirt".  Looking at myself blurs my vision of God's heavenly purpose for my life and I find myself treading the very worn paths back and forth from meaningless task to meaningless task. 

Honestly, I have every earthly reason to doubt.  Life is hard for me right now, but because of God, I know it won't always be so.  I have a sincere and rock solid conviction that God is going to turn my mourning into dancing...and that is a dance worth waiting, and hoping for.     

THE Recipe...Cinnamon Roll Cake

By popular demand...the recipe for the Oh-So-Sinful Cinnamon Roll cake. Notice that I didn't say "MY" recipe.  I found this delicious confection on Pinterest...the home of all things wonderful.  Anyhoo, to tell you just how good this cake is, the first time I made it, Brennan declared it to be his favorite cake and now wants it for his birthday cake...forever and all eternity.  Wow.  I thought nothing could replace Coconut Cream Pie!  It's been the reigning champ for years!

Now, I give thee free license to cook this as much as you want, but you have to pinkie promise to not bring it to bible studies or Sunday school classes I am in because it's kinda my "go to" dessert.  LOL!

Cinnamon Roll Cake

Ingredients:

Cake:
•3 cups flour
•1/4 tsp. salt
•1 cup sugar
•4 tsp. baking powder
•1 1/2 cups milk
•2 eggs
•2 tsp. vanilla
•1/2 cup butter melted

 "Cinnamon Roll" topping:
•1 cup butter softened
•1 cup brown sugar
•2 Tbsp. flour
•1 Tbsp. cinnamon

Tasty Glaze: 
•2 cups powdered sugar
•5 Tbsp. milk
•1 tsp. vanilla

Instructions


1.Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9×13 glass baking pan with cooking spray. Set aside.

2.In an electric or stand mixer add the flour, salt, sugar, baking powder, milk, eggs, and vanilla. Once combined well , slowly stir in the melted butter. Pour into the prepared 9×13 baking pan.

3.For topping, In a large bowl mix the 2 sticks of butter, brown sugar, flour and cinnamon together until well combined and creamy. Drop evenly over the batter by the tablespoonfuls and use a knife to marble/swirl through the cake.

4.Bake at 350 for 35-40 minutes or when a toothpick inserted near the center comes out nearly clean.

5.FOR GLAZE:

In a medium bowl, mix the powdered sugar, milk and vanilla together with a whisk. Drizzle evenly over the warm cake. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Enjoy!!!

A Time to Weep and a Time to Laugh

I am annoyed.  Not gonna lie.  I am.  I guess I have reached my limit of platitudes and cliches and am ready for people to stop trying to fix me and just let me feel how I feel.

I am going through a tough time.  We are in a major financial crisis, I have no job, I just endured two weeks of hell thanks to my husband's ex-wife, we are probably going to have to move (again) and right now, I feel a little low.  I am in a constant pressure cooker of stress, worry and fear.  I have to struggle to keep my eyes focused on God and keep my head above water.  It can be exhausting and sometimes, I get discouraged.  Sometimes, I want to complain.  Sometimes, I want to cry.  Sometimes, I want to whine.

And you know what?  That's okay!  I am allowed.  It's okay for me to feel sad and crummy ever so often.  I should be allowed to share my fears and concerns without judgement.  Instead, I have made the discovery that people are not comfortable with sorrow and grief.  With sadness and despair.  Mourning and crying.  Instead, they judge you for being overcome with emotion and tell you things that make you feel as though you lack faith or aren't close enough to the Lord.

Not only is okay for me to feel sorrow, it's biblical.  Don't believe me?  Take a stroll through Psalms and read the words of David.

David questioned the length and severity of his trials and testings.  Just like me.

"My soul is in anguish.  How long, O Lord, how long?"
Psalm 6:3

David, the man after God's own heart, cried until his couch was filled with tears.  Just like me .

"I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."
Psalm 6:6

David's eyes were weary with grief.  He felt down and worn out.  Just like me.

"My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies."
Psalm 6:7


David, in anguish and sorrow, cries out to God in his time of trouble but struggles with doubt when encountering God's silence.  Just like me.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."
Psalm 22:1-2

This man of sorrow, this man who was a foreshadowing of Jesus, grieved and doubted and wept and became angry and sinned and suffered....just like me.

But that's not where the story ends.  Not for David and not for me.  Sure, David grieved, but he didn't stay there. And neither do I.   He wept and cried, but he also prayed and praised.  This man who asked, "Why are you cast down O my soul?" (Psalm 42:5) also penned this blessed assurance, "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry." (Psalm 40:1)  I read his words and rejoice!

I think I, like David, sometimes just need to share how I feel.  I just need to feel heard.  He wrote Psalms, I talk it out.  Make no mistake: I do pray.  I do study the word.  I do spend time with God; but if it weren't necessary for humans to interact and share their feelings, then why did God create Eve for Adam?  Sometimes, it's just so nice to vent, get it all out, and have someone say, "I am sorry.  I know it's going to be okay."  rather than try to fix me.

I know inevitably, that some will read this, and think, "Wow.  Jessica's a jerk.  I am sure people are just trying to help and she goes on and on about how they are wrong for trying?" I understand that it's a risk and I am really putting myself out there by sharing my frustration.  Please know this:  I know that my dear friends mean the best, and I love them dearly for it.  Since going through this trial however, I have now learned to ask, "How can I help?" first, and save the "fixing" for when I am asked.