Grass Houses and Mud Pies

When I was a little girl, we lived in a house that had a huge grass field in the pasture. I would go out there and plow through the tall grass and disappear. I would lay down in there and be invisible...no one could find me. I liked being invisible. I lived in a house of chaos and neglect. If I was invisible, no one could yell at me, hit me or hurt me. I could lay on my back in the grass and listen to the whisper of silence in the blades.

As an adult, I have come to equate the feeling of insignificance to the feeling of being invisible. I don't want to be invisible. I don't like it. I want to be noticed. I want to shake the world! I want to be the one at work to change a life, to save a family, to have an insight that changes the mind of someone who is lost. I want to make a difference. I want to be.....SIGNIFICANT!

Interestingly enough, God has allowed none of those things to happen to me. I sit in my beige cube day after day like a meatloaf, plow through tons of paperwork and then leave. I feel like the biggest fakity-faker in the world. I feel like a little girl trying to wear mommas shoes when I sit in meetings and trainings. In my mind, I don't make a difference.

The other day, I was doing my bible study and a stumbled across this quote by C.S. Lewis:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because she cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Oh boy.

Why am I so willing to settle for less in my life? Why oh why do I willingly turn away from the staggering blessings that God offers me as His child in order to try and achieve something to glorify myself? God has given me all I need to have a great life...correction, an abundant life, yet I cling desperately to my mud pies! I feel insignificant because I don't see Him in my every day life. I have been a Christian for 24 years and yet, I still flounder around in my need to matter to everyone else and ignore the rest and peace that comes from trading my ambitions for my life for His will and ways.

Truth is, I always have and probably always will struggle with my self-esteem. The feeling of being "less than" is an old friend of mine. I know that God is working in me because I am recognizing this weakness and I am confessing it. I no longer want to be so easily satisfied with what I am able to conjure up on my own as a successful life. I want life...and I want it more abundantly.

Confessions of a Fat Girl

Have you ever just felt trapped in your own skin? As if you didn't change you were going to explode? I have felt like that the past couple of days. I don't know if it's the sun or the spring or the fact that I have sassy new hair, but sometimes I just feel so.........trapped. I want a new job, a new life, a new body a new start, a new town a new cat....a new EVERYTHING!

Yesterday (after trying on the 18th shirt that didn't fit at Ross) I realized something: I feel trapped inside of ME! It's not my job or my life or my car--- it's me that I want to escape from. I admit that I don't like myself very much. I am constantly inundated with negative self-talk, self-hatred and loathing. I have never been able to look in the mirror and tell myself, "You are beautiful." I had some ladies tell me at a meeting this morning to do positive affirmations and I couldn't help wonder why I would lie to myself like that? I have never liked myself, never felt beautiful and always felt like the fattest wench in the world.

I am not trying to be a bummer; I am just trying to be authentic, real. I have struggled with insecurity my whole life. As a Christian I feel double shame at times because I don't ever want God to believe that I am not thankful for whom He made me to be. I just don't understand why I couldn't be who I am supposed to be only lighter? I get so irritated with all these skinny, skinny people who are "dieting". I just want to shake them! If they think they need to lose weight, what must they think of me? It's not as though I lose sleep over worry of what others think, I just wonder if they aren't comfortable in their own skin, is it any wonder I am uncomfortable in mine?

I hear all the time, "If you don't want to be fat, lose weight." Ah, if only it were that easy. I wish that people could understand that food is as much an addiction as methamphetamines, alcohol or marijuana. Food is my crack. I cannot escape it...it follows me where ever I go. I have been heavy my whole life. I have used food for comfort, company and consolation. I have turned again and again to my drug of choice when my life is happy, sad, angry or boring. I have developed a life-long habit with food and as I stare down the barrel of my last year in my 30s, I am worried. I feel scared. Why scared? Because it is a known fact that losing weight after 40 is infinitely harder than in your 30s. Lucky me.

I don't know what to do. I am in a hate-hate relationship with myself. Rene' and I have decided to join the YMCA, but with my track history I don't even know if I have the staying power. I know this is a depressing blog, but I am just expressing what is going on in my head. It's not always fun and games boys and girls...sometimes it’s just....me.

Refuge

Sometimes, when I hang up the phone, I am fighting back tears. I just feel so incompetent, so…ineffective to help. She is the only person in my life in which I have to weigh and measure every word I say before it comes out of my mouth for fear of hurting her or provoking her anger. I tiptoe. I dance around my feelings because honestly, they don’t matter. What matters is her journey to becoming an adult. She is fighting this fight not me. I have to stand by and watch her suffer, make mistakes, feel desperate and alone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say it. I have my thoughts and my feelings but again; they don’t really matter.

I am dying inside because I desperately want to help her. I am screaming inside my head, “Let me help you! Please!” I have begged her to let me help her. I have pleaded with her to lay aside her pride and let me ease her burden; but she refuses. Time and time again I have to reach deep inside of myself to find that little bit of restraint that keeps me from grabbing her, holding her to my chest and never letting her leave my house. She is not a baby anymore; she is well on her way to adulthood and I can no longer block the world from darkening her door or protect her from the boogeyman that lurks in the shadows.

I am learning that growing up is not just her journey, it is mine. My growing up is about learning to let go, stop trying to control everything, be still, be quiet. Trust the Lord with all my heart. Trust him because my daughter is my heart. There is no one who is able to guard and protect her the way He will. My control is just an illusion and every single time I try to interfere in her life I am robbing her of the opportunity to learn the lessons that God has so carefully crafted for her. And for me.

I must never forget that God chose me to be her mother and that I am the best person to help accomplish this good work he is doing in her. So as I fight back the tears and bite back my words I am compelled to turn to my Father who is desperate to help me and begs me, “Let me help you! Please!” Today, I choose to run into His arms, bury my head in His chest and be comforted.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

A Choice to Suffer

This has been a brutal week. No lie.

It has been painful, heartbreaking, stressful, exhausting, frustrating and LONG! Friday, morning after receiving yet another S.O.S call from the boys' mother, I was on the verge of tears. I felt utterly spent and completely drained. "Lord!", I cried in my soul, "I seriously cannot take any more!" I went to work already exhausted.

I have been a Christian since I was 14- years old. I have walked with God a long time and I know that being a Christian is not a shield from pain and sorrow. In fact there are many, many verses in the Bible that promise the exact opposite:

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though some strange thing were happening to you..." 1 Peter 4: 12

"Not only this, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering works perseverance; " Romans 5:3

"...that I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings becoming conformed to His death; " Philippians 3:10

"The sufferings that you are enduring are for your discipline. God is dealing with you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" Hebrews 12:7

I really hate suffering folks. I don't want to do it anymore! (picture me stomping my foot) In my childish heart, I just want to go about my life, raising my kids, going to church, hanging out with The Rene' and enjoying my suffering-free life. But I know this is never to be. Because there is so much more. God has so much more for my life than a life of mediocrity and beige! God is forming me and making me into a better version of me. God is growing me, shaping me and chastening me in order to bring Him glory and for me to learn to walk in Him. He loves me so much he doesn't want me to stay the same. Christ was God's only son, yet He had to learn obedience from the suffering He endured (Hebrews 5: 8). I am the daughter of God...I am no different.

Every day I have a choice to make. Walk with Jesus on the path He has chosen for me or walk by myself. One path leads to life and one path leads to my destruction. As painful as it is and as hard as it gets, today I am choosing to walk the road of suffering with Jesus. Who better to guide me than one who is so intimately acquainted with grief?

A Divine Romance

Did you know it's National Marriage Week?

Yeah, neither did I. How could such an important subject and an important institution get no attention? Be passed over or ignored? I don't understand it, but I decided to do something about it. I want to acknowledge what marriage means to me.

Marriage matters even if the institution itself has taken a beating in the last several years. My marriage matters to me. As the child of divorced parents and putting my kids through divorce, I want to state unequivocally that I believe in marriage. I believe in soul mates. I believe in "Happily Ever After", white picket fences and holding hands when you are 90 years old. Having spent years in quiet unhappiness, finding The One who has made my heart sing fills me with such joy I cannot adequately express it.

"I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go..." Song of Solomon 3:4

I love Rene'. He is the peanut butter to my jelly, the peas to my carrots. He has taught me so much about patience, steadfast faith, and the joy of homemade refried beans. He laughs at me and thinks I am cute. I dig that. God has used my marriage to Rene' to challenge me and to grow me. Every day I have to make the choice to put another's needs greater than my own and to esteem him greater than I esteem myself. Hot dog is that hard! Some days I don't really give a crap what he wants or needs. Some days I just want to showboat it and do it my way. But usually, that selfish desire doesn't last too long seeing as I have done it "my" way in the past and yeah, it didn't work out so well.

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson

Blending families has taught me much about myself as well. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I became a step-mother. Truth is: sometimes I don't WANT to step up and be there. Sometimes I have sullen, sulky thoughts like, "I raised my kids...why the heck do I have to raise more!" Or, "These aren't my kids...why am I pouring out all my heart into them only to have it stepped on?" I have learned some not-so-favorable things about myself because Joseph and Joshua are in my life and I am being forced to grow up. Trust me, this is a good thing. I don't want to be the proverbial "wicked step-mother" so I know I have to die to myself every single day and confront my "true" self on a daily basis. Without Joe and Josh, I doubt I would have never seen this side of myself and know I would've have missed an opportunity to grow. I am grateful for them.

"You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self." ~Jerry McCant

Bottom line: marriage is hard. Life is messy. Marriage is divine and sacred. It's never easy. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and it's completely worth it.

My Man of Constant Sorrow

The bible says that Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).

I am glad.

That may sound like a strange statement to make, but who better to go to with your sorrow, your agony, your betrayal, your sadness than a Perfect example of how to deal with these things?

I am grieving. I am sad.

Jesus knows.

My heart aches. I have cried so much lately that my head hurts from the strain and my eyes sting from the saline.

Jesus understands.

I cry out to God, "Why? Why is this happening to me God? Why does this have to hurt so much?"

Jesus cried out, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

I guess what I am trying to say is that even in the darkness of despair, I still see His light. I still can turn to Him. He is compassionate. He has promised that, "A bruised reed He will not break of fand a smoldering wick He will not snuff out." (Matthew 12:20)

I am bruised. I am barely a light. He will be my light until I can burn brightly again.

Walking in the Light

I like The Light. It is bright, warm, inviting, illuminating. I can see where I am going, I can look back and have a clear picture where I have been. It shows me the way and guides me away. I am so grateful for The Light.

So, why do I choose to spend so much time in the dark?

I have been a Christian since I was 14 years old. I love the Lord so much! I have never doubted my Salvation, never wondered if it "took". I have known from the moment He stepped into my life that I was redeemed. It's not the Salvation that is the problem...it's the living!

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

I admit it. I am a "wanderer".

I will have periods of my life when the fellowship between God and I is so sweet! I am walking in the light, I am in tune with my Savior and life makes sense.

But then, I get distracted.

I get worried and consumed by the cares of this world. It's not an accident this happens, it's a choice I make. I expend a lot of energy worrying and fretting when the answer is right in front of my face. Next thing I know, I am in the dark searching for the light switch.

This morning I was reading 1 John 1:6

"If we claim to have fellowship with Him, yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth."

Me? A liar? Ouch!

I know God's heart is for me to always be with Him; mind, body, spirit. I also know that he gives me the choice to make that happen. I love Him for this. He loves me so much He wants me to choose HIM!

I don't want to walk in the dark any more. I want to walk in the Light. I want to be all I can through Him and let the cares and worries of the world take a back seat.

There is so much waiting for me in The Light!