A Choice to Suffer

This has been a brutal week. No lie.

It has been painful, heartbreaking, stressful, exhausting, frustrating and LONG! Friday, morning after receiving yet another S.O.S call from the boys' mother, I was on the verge of tears. I felt utterly spent and completely drained. "Lord!", I cried in my soul, "I seriously cannot take any more!" I went to work already exhausted.

I have been a Christian since I was 14- years old. I have walked with God a long time and I know that being a Christian is not a shield from pain and sorrow. In fact there are many, many verses in the Bible that promise the exact opposite:

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though some strange thing were happening to you..." 1 Peter 4: 12

"Not only this, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering works perseverance; " Romans 5:3

"...that I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings becoming conformed to His death; " Philippians 3:10

"The sufferings that you are enduring are for your discipline. God is dealing with you as sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" Hebrews 12:7

I really hate suffering folks. I don't want to do it anymore! (picture me stomping my foot) In my childish heart, I just want to go about my life, raising my kids, going to church, hanging out with The Rene' and enjoying my suffering-free life. But I know this is never to be. Because there is so much more. God has so much more for my life than a life of mediocrity and beige! God is forming me and making me into a better version of me. God is growing me, shaping me and chastening me in order to bring Him glory and for me to learn to walk in Him. He loves me so much he doesn't want me to stay the same. Christ was God's only son, yet He had to learn obedience from the suffering He endured (Hebrews 5: 8). I am the daughter of God...I am no different.

Every day I have a choice to make. Walk with Jesus on the path He has chosen for me or walk by myself. One path leads to life and one path leads to my destruction. As painful as it is and as hard as it gets, today I am choosing to walk the road of suffering with Jesus. Who better to guide me than one who is so intimately acquainted with grief?

A Divine Romance

Did you know it's National Marriage Week?

Yeah, neither did I. How could such an important subject and an important institution get no attention? Be passed over or ignored? I don't understand it, but I decided to do something about it. I want to acknowledge what marriage means to me.

Marriage matters even if the institution itself has taken a beating in the last several years. My marriage matters to me. As the child of divorced parents and putting my kids through divorce, I want to state unequivocally that I believe in marriage. I believe in soul mates. I believe in "Happily Ever After", white picket fences and holding hands when you are 90 years old. Having spent years in quiet unhappiness, finding The One who has made my heart sing fills me with such joy I cannot adequately express it.

"I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go..." Song of Solomon 3:4

I love Rene'. He is the peanut butter to my jelly, the peas to my carrots. He has taught me so much about patience, steadfast faith, and the joy of homemade refried beans. He laughs at me and thinks I am cute. I dig that. God has used my marriage to Rene' to challenge me and to grow me. Every day I have to make the choice to put another's needs greater than my own and to esteem him greater than I esteem myself. Hot dog is that hard! Some days I don't really give a crap what he wants or needs. Some days I just want to showboat it and do it my way. But usually, that selfish desire doesn't last too long seeing as I have done it "my" way in the past and yeah, it didn't work out so well.

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson

Blending families has taught me much about myself as well. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I became a step-mother. Truth is: sometimes I don't WANT to step up and be there. Sometimes I have sullen, sulky thoughts like, "I raised my kids...why the heck do I have to raise more!" Or, "These aren't my kids...why am I pouring out all my heart into them only to have it stepped on?" I have learned some not-so-favorable things about myself because Joseph and Joshua are in my life and I am being forced to grow up. Trust me, this is a good thing. I don't want to be the proverbial "wicked step-mother" so I know I have to die to myself every single day and confront my "true" self on a daily basis. Without Joe and Josh, I doubt I would have never seen this side of myself and know I would've have missed an opportunity to grow. I am grateful for them.

"You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self." ~Jerry McCant

Bottom line: marriage is hard. Life is messy. Marriage is divine and sacred. It's never easy. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and it's completely worth it.

My Man of Constant Sorrow

The bible says that Jesus was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).

I am glad.

That may sound like a strange statement to make, but who better to go to with your sorrow, your agony, your betrayal, your sadness than a Perfect example of how to deal with these things?

I am grieving. I am sad.

Jesus knows.

My heart aches. I have cried so much lately that my head hurts from the strain and my eyes sting from the saline.

Jesus understands.

I cry out to God, "Why? Why is this happening to me God? Why does this have to hurt so much?"

Jesus cried out, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?"

I guess what I am trying to say is that even in the darkness of despair, I still see His light. I still can turn to Him. He is compassionate. He has promised that, "A bruised reed He will not break of fand a smoldering wick He will not snuff out." (Matthew 12:20)

I am bruised. I am barely a light. He will be my light until I can burn brightly again.

Walking in the Light

I like The Light. It is bright, warm, inviting, illuminating. I can see where I am going, I can look back and have a clear picture where I have been. It shows me the way and guides me away. I am so grateful for The Light.

So, why do I choose to spend so much time in the dark?

I have been a Christian since I was 14 years old. I love the Lord so much! I have never doubted my Salvation, never wondered if it "took". I have known from the moment He stepped into my life that I was redeemed. It's not the Salvation that is the problem...it's the living!

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

I admit it. I am a "wanderer".

I will have periods of my life when the fellowship between God and I is so sweet! I am walking in the light, I am in tune with my Savior and life makes sense.

But then, I get distracted.

I get worried and consumed by the cares of this world. It's not an accident this happens, it's a choice I make. I expend a lot of energy worrying and fretting when the answer is right in front of my face. Next thing I know, I am in the dark searching for the light switch.

This morning I was reading 1 John 1:6

"If we claim to have fellowship with Him, yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth."

Me? A liar? Ouch!

I know God's heart is for me to always be with Him; mind, body, spirit. I also know that he gives me the choice to make that happen. I love Him for this. He loves me so much He wants me to choose HIM!

I don't want to walk in the dark any more. I want to walk in the Light. I want to be all I can through Him and let the cares and worries of the world take a back seat.

There is so much waiting for me in The Light!

Now the Way that it Stands...She's out of My Hands

I am not invited to her graduation anymore.

I am not sure how it happened. This little one who is the single most important female in my life no longer desires for me to attend the greatest accomplishment she has had to date.

Where did she go? My little one who used to walk on her tippy-toes, holding on to my fingers singing songs about Jesus? How can I ever express the sorrow that comes from knowing those days are gone forever and that the light she once had is no longer in her eyes? I weep for that little girl and I weep for the little girl inside this confused and angry young woman who feels so strongly that I have let her down...and I have.

I blame myself. I am the mother. I should have it so together! I should be able to handle all these twists and turns in our relationship with grace, logic and like Jesus would. Instead, I feel hurt, confused, and angry. Not just angry at her, but angry at myself. Angry at the changes I see in her and angry at the helplessness I feel because I cannot fix it or make it better. Angry at myself because I always say the wrong things, or don't say enough. Angry because my attempts to be accepting seem more like lack of interest. Angry because my attempts to give her space seem more like lack of caring. Angry that my silence seems like judgement and my tears seem like condemnation. There is no right answer and no safe place to stand when you are walking such a thin line in a relationship.

I know I have messed up. I am far from perfect. Those first six months after Steve and I divorced was by far the worst time of my life. I lost myself and my way. Thankfully, God brought me back and I was able to escape that time relatively unscathed. Sadly, I don't think my girl was as fortunate. I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own sorrow, grief, and, lets be honest, freedom, that I was not really there for my children when they needed me the most. Of all the mistakes I have ever made as a mother...this is the one that will haunt me. At night, when I lay sleepless in bed, trying to figure out where I went wrong, those six months are lying in wait to indict me: "It's all your fault!"

I have apologized...I have asked for forgiveness from my children and from my God. I have admitted my wrongs and tried to make amends but the truth is, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot go back and undo the divorce. I cannot make her dad want to stay with me. I cannot erase those six months of acting like I was 18 instead of a 35-year old mother of two. I am sorry for those things...only God knows how much.

I have loved being a mother. I wish I could go back for just one minute and smell her baby hair, tousle those beautiful blonde curls and whisper in her sweet neck how much I love her....I wish she believed me as easily today as she did back then. I wish she would wrap her sweet arms around my neck and whisper, "I love you Mommy!" Perhaps one day, but for now, I have the memories and the reassurance from God that He has His hand on her even when I cannot. For the time being, it will have to be enough.

Nothing Has the Power to Save....

I have been thinking a lot about my now, non-existent diet. Honestly, I am irritated and embarrassed with myself. I mean, who announces to the world that they are going to lose all this weight, start a blog and then.....

DOES NOTHING!!!

Uh...that would be me.

I am still trying. Sort of. I am still trying to make good choices, and stay away from the sweets but I have never met a piece of pizza that I can say no to. So, since I have nothing good to say about my diet at the moment, I am going to focus on something else. God.

I feel that I have marginalized God in my life. I feel as though I have taken my life back from Him this past year. I am not gonna lie, it has been a really rough 10 months or so. Newlywed, blended family, moving, teenager issues, unemployment, personal disappointment and unhappiness with my job. So much in my life felt so wrong for so long! I just kinda stopped giving it to God. I took it away from Him to "handle" for myself. Yeah, that was an EPIC mistake.

Will I ever learn that I cannot do this myself? Will I ever stop taking God from His rightful place on the throne of my life and just follow?

One of the things I love about Jesus is that He is so gentle with me. He is no bully! He doesn't butt his way into my life. He just lets me flounder around until I am sick of myself and exhausted from a futile battle. So, here I am again...on my face...begging Jesus to rescue me from my greatest enemy: ME!

I am too smart to make some grand proclamation of never straying again...I know better. I do love Jesus and the more I cling to that rather than leaning on my own understanding the better things will be. I have hope...

Now, if only I could a handle on that little problem I have with pizza....

Dieting takes a Vacation

Last week I took a vacation. And so did my diet. Actually, my diet went south....3lbs straight to my buttocks.

I can sit here and give all types of excuses. I was on vacation. Why can't I enjoy myself? I will never get the chance to eat ribs at Disneyland again! I may never get the chance to eat ice cream from Disneyland again! I may never get the chance to eat pizza, and churros and caesar salads and, and, and, and..... Well. You get the point.

Then there was the delicious breakfasts The Rene's precious mother made every morning. And the amazing mexican dinner we had...sigh. Why is eating so much fun?

Honestly, I am a little discouraged. I was doing so well and then I lost my momentum. I came back from vacation, weighed myself and sort of gave up.

I am learning that there will always be excuses for me to overeat. First it was vacation, then Joe's birthday, then Easter, then Donut Monday....whatever. Bottom line, it was amazingly simple for me to fall back into my old bad habits. What is interesting is how much those bad habits feed into a defeatist kind of mentality. Tonight I had ice cream. Know why? Because I had already blown it with multiple donut holes this morning.

However.....

Just writing this blog, I am renewed with hope. I am not the only one who is struggling. Time for me to get off the pouty pot and get back to work. I have a life to save! MINE! I have to renew my focus and rededicate myself to this task. I am going to lose weight. I am going to make wise choices. I don't care if its a vacation that arises, a holiday or just a boring Monday morning. I have too much invested in this process to give it all away for a stupid deep-fried wad of bread with icing on it. I want to succeed. I want to surprise myself. I want to exceed my own expectations. I want to do this!

Tomorrow it is back on the bandwagon. I am going to start all over again. If you are reading this blog, and you have fallen down...take heart! We can do this! Pretend you are in kindergarten and you have lost a game of four-square. What do you ask for? A do-over! We are going for a do-over you and I. We are brave over-comers and we can do this!

Let's all give a cheer for the do-over!