A Question of Obedience

A couple months ago I made a decision that, at the time, I was sure that God had His hand in and had spoken to me clearly about.  The decision I made flew in the face of the world and what those who practice careful abandon would have done, and I was okay with that.  Until recently.  Lately, I have grown fearful and have questioned myself and my perception of what I had heard from God because things are not turning out the way I had hoped.  Did I really hear from God? Am I positive that I was following Him and not my own desires? I beat myself up constantly because even after nearly 30 years of being a Christian, I still fall into the trap of equating obedience to God with positive results. Furthermore, I not only secretly harbor the idea that obedience to God will automatically result in good things, but that disobedience to God will automatically result in bad things. 

Intellectually, I know this is a fallacy.  There are a bazillion examples in the Bible of the faithful being afflicted.  Paul obeyed and was beaten.  David obeyed and was pursued for years by a murderous Saul.  Job obeyed and lost everything.  John obeyed and was thrown in a vat of boiling oil.  Jesus obeyed and He died on the cross.  Conversely, many people in the Bible were disobedient yet were still blessed; the nation of Israel is a great example of this. 

As you can imagine, this distorted thinking has resulted in a burdensome and not all that joyous experience with God.  In the deepest part of me, I don't want a faith that is dependent on me because I am not equipped to bear that responsibility.  I also don't want to diminish God and His perfect will for my life by treating him like a vending machine of blessings in which I put in the required contribution and I get what I want.      

My journey at this point in life is to understand the steadfastness of God and that He is above my machinations and my frailties.  That in His faithfulness he has blessed me:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,

and comes down from the Father of lights,

with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

James 1:17

 and in His faithfulness I have been afflicted:

I know, O Lord, that Your judgments are right,
And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

Psalm 119:75

Life is hard.  There's no doubt about that, but I make it much more so by constantly judging the vagaries of life by weighing out my "good" and "bad" behavior.  I am so grateful that God is not limited to my small estimation of Him and that His faithfulness is not dependent on me.  I praise Him for shining the light on an area of my life that is in desperate need of a faith remodel and I rejoice that because He has started this work in me, He will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)