I Knew Better and Did Nothing...

Last night I was blessed and honored to be asked to speak at "Girl's Nite In", an organization that reaches out to teen girls and speaks to them honestly about real-life topics.  It is such a special outreach because nothing is off-limits.  Girls can ask questions of caring, Godly women and be assured that they are getting honest and transparent answers.  I love GNI and I am so priveleged to be be a group leader to some precious Sophomore girls! 

The topic I was asked to share about was "Toxic Relationships"; a subject I know far too much about.  In fact, I have had so much experience with toxic relationships, that I had a tough time narrowing it down to which one to share!  I actually started out going down one road, but ended up going down another...a toxic friendship. 

When it came time to prepare what I was going to say, I sat down and blasted out my testimony in just a couple hours.  God poured it out of me and I knew it was from Him.  I just knew He had something He wanted me to say to these girls.  I felt confident that I had heard Him correctly and it was confirmed by one of the leaders of Girl's Night In. 

What I didn't expect was the impact my own words would have on me.  Last night, as I was sharing my feelings about my former friend, and the obvious lack of Christ in her life, God slammed me with an overwhelming sense of sorrow and realization:  I FAILED HER.  I knew Christ, I knew better and I didn't share the truth of His freedom and salvation with her for fear of losing her as a friend.  I had years to share the truth with her and chose not too.  I failed her.  I failed God. 

In the months since our breakup, I have had so much anger and resentment toward this person.  She hurt me terribly; betrayed me and continues to this day to foster a relationship with my daughter that is agonizingly painful to me.  All these offenses however, pale in comparison to the sorrow I felt last night when God ripped that veil of anger away from my eyes and showed me in technicolor reality that she was lost, how could I expect any different from her?  I however, was the Christian and did nothing.  I knew better and I did nothing...

During my talk last night, I made sure that I mentioned that toxic relationships start somewhere.  No one becomes "toxic" without help.  For me, my toxic origins came from my family, but because of Jesus' redeeming love for me, I have been given the opportunity to break free from those toxic patterns.  My former friend's toxic origins came from her family as well.  I had an opportunity to help her affect a positive change in her life and familial patterns and I did nothing.  I could have shared Jesus more bodly; confront her in love with the gospel and the truth of Jesus' life-changing love.  I could have made a difference that could have changed her and her children's lives.  I did nothing and now, the opportunity is gone.  One day I will have to answer to God for my negligence. 

I share this reality with you because I hope you will learn from my mistakes.  If you have friends who don't know the Lord, please don't delay---share the love of Jesus with them.  Things can change in a moment and you may not have that chance in the future to share Jesus with them that you think you will.  As Christians, we know better and we can't stand by and do nothing when our friend's eternal life is on the line.

Dear Jesus,

 

Please forgive me for my sin of neglecting to share the life-changing power of your salvation with my friend.  I know that you are greater than my mistakes and I ask Father that you might right my wrongs by bringing someone into my former friend's life that is braver and bolder than I and will share the truth with her.  Jesus, I pray that she might come to know you as Savior and that she would be healed by your redeeming love.  Lord, continue to work in my heart and may I never again become so selfish and self-centered that I forget that I am your servant first, a friend second.

 

In Jesus Name,

Amen

My Holy Rottweiler

I have been thinking the past couple days that Satan is a stinky, sneaky jerk.

Imagine you are walking down a scenic garden path.  Sun on your hair (which is super shiny by the way!), spring in your step, just feeling good and loving life.  You turn a corner and sitting in your path is a gigantor  beastie who just happens to adore shiny-haired meat.  What to do?  Do you ponder the intricacies of his razor sharp teeth?  Wonder if his breath is bad?  Observe that he has some red strands of hair sticking out of the corner of his mouth and wonder if that's the buxom gal from "Mad Men"?  Heck no!  You run like crap!  That's what I would do- RUUUUUUNNNNNN!  All of the sudden, I am Flo Jo, Carl Lewis and Obi-Wan Kenobi all in one (I threw Obi-Wan in there because I imagine that the cloak flowing behind me as I run would obscure my chaffing thighs.)

Now, wouldn't it be awesome if Satan's machinations were as obvious to spot as that a gigantor beastie? When you plainly see a beastie, you run.  It's that simple. The problem is, Satan is a stinky, sneaky jerk.  He is rarely that obvious.  Rather, he is a subtle, conniving liar that has just enough garbage on you to make his lies seem credible. 

Imagine you are walking down a scenic garden path.  Sun on your hair (which looks fabulous darling!), feeling good about life, when a tiny Jack Russell terrier bolts out of the bushes and starts nipping on your heels.  At first it's annoying and you shoo the little dude away.  You continue down the path, a little distracted, not as happy as before, but still, life is pretty darn awesome.  You turn a corner and out pops the Jack Russell who starts nipping at your heels.  You shoo him again, but this time, he doesn't leave.  You start to walk faster, but he just keeps dogging (pun intended) your every step.  That little dog is distracting you, annoying you, and as you harbor thoughts of punching that dog right in the snout, making you feel like the worst person in the world.  Pretty soon, this glorious walk is not so glorious anymore.  In fact, it downright sucks stinks and you are DONE.  You stomp off the path, climb a tree and wait it out.  Well my friend,  Satan is the nipping Jack Russell terrier on your heels as you walk down the garden path.

It's easy to run from the gigantic temptations in our paths.  We recognize the beast for what he is-it's clear and easily identifiable.  The problem for me, and I suspect you, is that it's the little things that trip us up.

• Believing the lies and half truths "You can't do anything right" "You don't deserve God's love"  "You are lame."
• Consolation found in the bottom of a bag of candy corn bottle, in food, from others; rather than in the Word or in Prayer.
• Engaging in a little "harmless" gossip
• Skipping quiet time with God because we are too "busy"

Needless to say, all these "little things" can lead to bigger problems later.  Imagine how much better it would have been if rather than "shooing" the Jack Russell away, you immediately pulled out your Rottweiler and told Mr. Rottweiler to "get 'em!"  That Jack Russell would have been tearing off so fast, he would have left half his hair on the ground. 

God and His Word is my Rottweiler.  Because He lives in me, I have access to him 24/7.  The error in my thinking is that I honestly believe I am walking down any path-be it sunny or stormy-alone. 

So, watch out for the nippers and the beasties....it's dangerous out there!

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." 

Ephesians 6:12

 

"Do Over"

"The Times.  They are a changin'."  You are so right Bob Dylan. 

I will soon be an "empty nester".  My daughter has moved out and my son is leaving for college in three weeks.  Yes, I have Rene's boys, but it's not the same.  MY children are grown, and although I know I will always be a part of their lives, my "hands on" work with them is done.  Bizarre.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about the way I raised my children and there are things I am so proud of and things in which I have regrets.  There are things I wish I could "do over".  I want to share a few in hopes that you might avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into.

My "DO-OVER" Wish List

1) Pray for my children more
I prayed for my children, but I wish I had prayed for them more.  I wish I hadn't been so short-sighted in my prayers for them.  When they were little, I prayed for safety for them, guidance to raise them etc...but didn't pray for the people they would become.  I regret that.  Pray, pray, pray for your children.

2)  Choose carefully the "hills you are willing to die on"
In my zeal to be a good mom, I wasted a lot of time fighting with my kids over things that now seem trivial.  I fought with Rhianna over her hair, her clothes, her friends, her love of Orlando Bloom.  How dumb.  I now wish that I had said "YES" more so that when I said "NO" it would have had more impact.  There are issues that I am willing to figuratively "die' for.  Drugs. Purity. Jesus.  But whether or not she can wear her hair in a messy bun?  It seems so stupid now.  And controlling.  Choose carefully those hills!

3)  Spend time with your kids.  Not just doing the fun stuff, but teaching them life stuff.
I really wish I had spent more time teaching my children to how to cook, balance a check book, and why it's necessary to sort the darks and the whites.  I had my kids do chores, but other things, such as how to break down a whole chicken, I always did myself because it was easier.  Now that they will be on their own, I really wish I had taught them those skills.  If nothing else, they would have been able to save money replacing their clothes after laundry disasters.

4)  Watch your tongue
I am sure this one seems like a "no brainer", but let me explain.  I am a HUGE jokester.  I love to make jokes, tease and make people laugh.  I love the ease my children and I have with each other; the joking and the amazing sense of humor they both have, but I also know that there were times that I went too far and said things that hurt my kids.  I truly regret that.  Especially my tender girl.  Sorry Dolly.  My advice?  Don't do it.  Don't jest.  Don't tease.  It's too easy to slip up and too easy to hurt someone.  I also wish that I had worked harder to not speak ill or be critical of others in front of my kids.  I have fought with a critical spirit for years and it is one of my greatest sorrows to see that passed on in any degree to my children. 

The Bible is pretty clear:
    "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Ephesians 4:29

I think anyone who reads their Bible with any regularity knows of this verse, I know I sure did.  I justified my behavior however, by adjusting my definition of what "unwholesome" was.  In my brain it was "dirty" talk.  Sexual jesting, swearing etc.  Not even close to the kind of yakity-yakking I did with my children.  Just for kicks and giggles, I looked up "unwholesome" in the dictionary:

un·whole·some/ˌənˈhōlsəm/Adjective: Not characterized by or conducive to health or moral well-being.


Very convicting to me.  Was my teasing or joking conducive to my children's mental health?  Was my critical and unkind spirit encouraging to my children's moral well-being?  NO!  Watch your tongue!

Bottom line:  I love my children and I am very proud of the people they are.  I made a lot of mistakes, but God is bigger than my mistakes.  The times are a' changin', but I am changing too, and if someone wants to drop a baby on my doorstep, don't worry.  I got this.   

My Little Pink Bow

When Rhianna was a little girl, I loved braiding her hair and tying little pink bows at the end.  I would brush out her blond, curly locks and wrap and twist each little strand, piece by piece until all was in order and could be tied with a tiny piece of pink, purple or yellow ribbon.  After I was all done with her hair, Rhianna would run to the mirror to look---twisting and turning in every direction, trying to catch a glimpse of her braids.  After a while she would become so frustrated because no matter what way she turned, she just couldn't see what I had done.  I would have to bring my hand mirror, turn her back to herself, and show her the reflection, proving my work.  Once she stood still long enough, she glimpsed those braids with their little pink bows and was happy.  Mommy had done a good job and she could skip out into the sun knowing all was well. 

Sometimes, I am like just like my little Rhianna.  I can feel God tugging and pulling at me, wrapping and twining each piece of my life as He fashions something in me that I have no power to do myself.  Sometimes, I feel a snag.  A tug that I feel is too hard and I cry out with pain.  I complain, "God!  This hurts too much!"  God, being the good parent that He is, acknowledges the process is painful, but continues His work. Strand by little strand. 

There were times in the braiding process that Rhianna would get what I called the "wigglies".  No matter what I was trying to do back there, she would bob around, wiggle on her seat, lean her head over too far or twist around to try and talk to me.  After a case of the "wigglies", the beautiful braid I was attempting to create would turn out badly.  It would be crooked, messy or just plain wrong. There would be nothing left to do but pull out the braid and start all over---this time admonishing Rhianna that she must sit still.  See all the time that we wasted having to start all over?

So it is with me and God.   I get uncomfortable; tired of waiting and attempting once again to take control of my life.  God, being the loving parent that He is, just keeps leading me back to where He wants me to be and tells me "Be still."

I confess I get impatient.  I keep running to the mirror, trying to catch a glimpse of what is going on "behind the scenes". I am so disappointed with myself when I can't see anything. I keep twisting and turning, trying to catch a glimpse of something that will tell me He is done with His work. He has completed this painful, agonizing process and it's all wrapped up with a little pink bow. I am learning that no matter how many times I run to the mirror, I will never catch sight of anything other than myself. God isn't done with me yet. He hasn't held up the mirror to show me what He has done.

I am a work in progress. I am being fashioned by the hand of a loving Father who wants only the best for me.  The tugs and pulling hurt, but no more so than I can bear.  I am looking forward to one day seeing that little bow at the end of God's work and skipping out into the sunshine knowing my Father has done a good job and all is right in my world.

A Farewell to my Thirties

Today is the last day I will ever be 39 again....thank goodness.  This was a really difficult year that I am glad, glad, glad to see the backside of.   That doesn't mean however, that I am embracing my soon-to-be life as a 40-something.  On the contrary, I have anticipated this day with no small amount of dread.  Why?  Because I am no where near what I thought I would be by the time I turned 40.  I am more than halfway through my life expectancy...blerg!


We all have dreams, wishes and fantasies of who or what we will be by the time we reach a certain milestone in our lives, and I can tell you that this is not what I had envisioned.  To me, being 40 means I am really a "grown up" and it's time for me to stop dreaming. When I was a young girl, my goal in life was to be a backup singer for Michael Jackson and marry Jack Tripper from Three's Company.  As I went through my teenage years, I swapped out Michael Jackson for Bon Jovi and Jack Tripper for Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing.  I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a ham radio operator (don't ask), a pilot, a mechanic, a fashion designer, a veterinarian.  I had dreams, aspirations and hopes that really didn't need to be plausible, they just needed to be a possibility.

Then I got older, got married and and had children.  Suddenly, I stopped having dreams for myself and began dreaming for my children.  Who or what were they going to be?  I poured out all my energy and love into them with the hope that my love would give them the foundation they needed to be all they could.  It wasn't until Brennan was 12-years old that I began to think about my dreams again.  This is why I went to college-a little self discovery was in order.

Fast forward eight years.   My older kids are on the verge of moving out and finding themselves and I still feel lost in a maze of "DUH".  I have two degrees, I have no job. I have no idea when or if I am going to get another job.  I have no idea what I am going to do professionally.  I have no definitive plan to set my cap on because it's all just too much up in the air.  I  fretted over this quite a bit until it occurred to me that maybe my dreams and plans aren't what is important, it's who God wants me to be that is.  Maybe it's time for me to say "goodbye" to my dreams for myself and fully embrace that God has a purpose and a plan for my life.  I mean, God said so right?  We all know the verse that people have tattooed on their calves and arms:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." 

 Jeremiah 29:11 

Awesome isn't it?  What a promise!  What assurance!  But, there is more to this passage.  So much more to the story than God just having plans for me.  I am learning that I have a part to play in this promise and plan: 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,

and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-13

You see, it isn't enough that I know God has a plan, I have to seek His plan.  I have to call on Him, pray to Him, listen to Him and seek Him with my whole heart!  This for me, is what growing up really is: deciding to follow Jesus and letting go.  I have to decide to allow Him to be the only one I listen to. 

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

1 Corinthians 13:11

For me putting away "childish" things doesn't mean that I have to give up my adoration for sock monkeys and all things Snoopy.  It doesn't mean I have to stop singing in stores, playing practical jokes or hiding in the closet when my kids are looking for me.  For me, becoming a grown up means that I need to take myself off the throne, say goodbye to my dreams of being a therapist, a counselor, a social worker or any of the things that I envisioned when choosing my career.  Becoming a grown up means embracing that God's plans may not be mine.  I may never get to sit in a chair, furrow my brow and nod my head understandingly during a therapy session.  I may end up at Lowe's garden center.  Growing up for me means that I am letting go, and if God wants it for my life, I am going to be best darn Lowe's employee I can be because His ways are not my own. 

I bid my 30s a fond farewell.  I am resolved to make my 4th decade one defined by obedience and seeking the Lord.

And if someone wants to get me a sock monkey for my birthday, I am down with that.

My Trial Toolbox

Since I lost my job, Rene' and I have faced many challenges, trials and pain.  In all these things, I always intend to be like Paul and "run the race well" but continuously fall short of that.  I want to be a "saint".  I want to walk around beaming at everyone, flashing huge smiles with grace and peace oozing out of my pores.  The reality is however, some days I am accomplishing something just getting out of bed. 

Maybe your brain turns the same mental somersaults that mine does.  My brain tells me:

It's all your fault.
God is punishing you for_____________.  (Fill in the blank with everything from eating the last Pop Tart to missing church.)
If only you hadn't _____________, none of this would have happened.  (Fill in the blank with everything from gotten a degree in psychology to gossiping.)
If you had read your Bible more, God wouldn't be punishing you now.
You should have prayed yesterday, today, five minutes ago....if you had, none of this would have ever happened.
God is mad at you. 

The other day, I was listening to a message given by an old friend of mine, Pastor Mark Anderson at Ashland Christian Fellowship.  Mark gave a message about the methods that God uses to mold us into the people that God wants us to be.  Mark said many things that resonated with me, but there were two thoughts in particular that revealed to me my heart and my profound ignorance in the ways of God.  Firstly, Mark shared that persecution, pain and problems are the tools of the Almighty God.  This was an idea I had no problem getting behind.  Don't I know it by heart already?  Then as the message progressed, Mark shared the sovreignty of God and the idea that He has a plan for our lives.  Then he said this little prayer; "God, I know you well enough to know that if there were an easier way to grow me, change me and make me better, You would do it because I know that you are good all the time."  Why was this prayer so profound to me?  Because I realized I don't know God well enough to trust that He truly would find other ways to grow me if He could.  I don't trust that God is good all the time.  When things are difficult, challenging or hard, I go into "default" mode. Instead of reaching into a tool chest full of what I know about God, I reach into my yucky, dark, dank past and pull out everything I have ever done to deserve these hard, challenging and difficult times. I do it because those are the thoughts that are easily within reach.  The truth about God and the knowlege I have of Him is buried under all the muck and when I am in trouble, I just don't have the strength to dig deep enough to get to the treasure underneath.

The solution for me is obvious.  I need to move the "good" stuff to the top of my tool chest.  I need to learn more about God, His nature and His attributes.  I need to fill myself with truth so that when bad stuff happens, I have someting to reach for that is good, true, holy and pure.  What I am going through HURTS, STINKS AND IS AWFUL!!!  What I am realizing about myself though is that my first thoughts are usually not the right thoughts.  My "default" is actually a fault line of weakness that causes huge spiritual earthquakes and heartaches in places God never intended there to be any. Truthfully, I don't know or even have one iota of what God is doing in my life. I know He's trying to teach me something and grow me, and slowly, I am learning, His ways are best because He is good---all the time.

The Secret-Jesus Style

Do you remember a few years ago there was this super popular book called "The Secret"?  It was an international bestseller and millions upon millions of copies were sold.  Now, I confess, I didn't read the book, but I did peruse the web site and this is what it said about "The Secret":

"The Secret has been passed down through the ages... coveted, hidden, lost, stolen, bought for vast sums of money, and known by some of the most exceptional people who ever lived: Plato, Galileo, Da Vinci, Beethoven, Edison, and Einstein, to name but a few.

The Secret book reveals how you can change every aspect of your life. You can turn any weakness or suffering into strength, power, unlimited abundance, health and joy.

Everything is possible, nothing is impossible. There are no limits. Whatever you can dream of can be yours, when you use The Secret."

(Copyright © 2007-2012 TS Production LLC)

Doesn't that sound AMAZING?!  THE SECRET, was coveted, hidden and only available to the greatest, richest, awesomest people on the planet...not poor schmucks like you and me.  But somehow, this woman Rhonda Byrne, a former television writer and producer from Australia, discovered IT---THE SECRET to a successful life.  THE SECRET to getting everything you or I could ever want.  THE SECRET to a fulfilling life, health, wealth and prosperity.  Holy moses, doesn't that sound just---unbelievable? 

That's because it is.

I have been going through a real period of remodeling in my Christian life.  God, in His infinite love and mercy, has looked upon my heart and soul and pronounced it to be "Not Good."  I would love to be able to report that I have been gracious, teachable, humble and moldable during this process, but I don't want to get struck by lightening or have my nose grow to the size of a redwood.  I have suffered a lot during this reworking of my heart, (mostly self-inflicted) and have gone to God's word again and again searching for something, THE SECRET to help me navigate my way through this time.  This morning I came across this little gem:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned THE SECRET of being conent in any and every situation, whether living in plenty or in want.  I CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH."  ~Philippians 4:11-13 (emphasis mine)

I have read this verse a gajillion times folks.  A GAJILLION!  Today however, God revealed to me the true essence of what Paul was saying.  God revealed to me THE SECRET!!! 

The secret is that I can do all things through Christ because HE is my strength.  It doesn't matter what it is, what the circumstance may be, or how impossible things may seem because I CAN DO EVERYTHING through Him!  Not with Him.  Not in consulting Him. Not talking at Him.  THROUGH HIM.  This means getting myself off the Throne, letting Him lead me and truly submitting to His plans for my life.  I realized today that His plan for my life is that I have no plans for my life...I let Him be the boss.  Jesus Christ is the boss of me.  When I forget that, I get lost.

When God revealed this little epiphany to me this morning, I was downright giddy.  The weight is lifted!  My life, my career, my everything is going to be handled by the creator of the universe and I don't have to worry any more!  It may be a secret, but I am not going to keep it, I am going to tell everyone who would listen.  Now, pass it on.

Withholding Good

I am going to tell you a story that makes me look bad.  I just have to put that out there. 

It's actually a story of me acting like this:

Instead of what I should have been, which is this:

The other day, I took the boys with me to Goodwill to help Rhianna look for some stuff she needed.  Rhianna and I start looking at clothes, and Joe asks if he and Josh can go look at books.  I tell that is fine, not to talk to strangers, don't eat things from the floor etc...and he and his brother happily go to look at books.

A little while later, Joe returns holding a book.  He says, "Hey Jessica, I found this book and it looks interesting."  I glance at him and say, without even thinking about it, "You're not getting that Joe."  He hangs his head and says, "Okay." and walks back to the books.  I watch him go to make sure he put it back and then continued on with the clothes hunt.

Right before we were all ready to leave, I with my goodies, Rhianna with hers and the boys with nothing, Joe comes up to me again holding the book and says, "Jessica, if you buy me this book, I will pay you back."  I tell him (in an irritated tone), "Joe, I already said no.  It's not okay for you to pester me.  I told you no and I mean it."  He again hangs his head and this time returns the book for reals.

(As if the above wasn't enough, here comes the part that really makes me look like a jerk.  Be prepared.)

On the drive home, Rhianna tells me that she is short on cash and I offer to lend her $20.00 without even a thought.  I go to the bank, get the money, hand it over to her and then we all go home.  I am ashamed to admit this, but the enormity of what I had done didn't even dawn on me until this afternoon, in the quiet of the day, when I finally had time to think it through.  I, without a thought, had refused to lend Joseph $1.49 but had no issues loaning Rhianna $20.00, and God, in His loving and gracious manner revealed to me why:  Rhianna is my child, Joseph is not.  I cry as I write this because as much as I care and love the boys, this incident exposed my heart and the feelings that I have that the boys just aren't "mine" and how desperately selfish these feelings had driven me to be.  I have always, always worried about becoming a "wicked" stepmother and this day was the first time I truly believed that I was.

The truth is that being a stepmother is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I wasn't there when these boys were developing their natures, their personalities, their childlike world views.  I came into the picture three and a half years ago with my children almost completely raised and pretty much the way I had hoped.  In envisioning what my life would be like at 40, it most certainly didn't include two chocolate-eyed ankle biters!  Most of the time, I feel like the "one parent too many" in this equation, and kind of miffed that I have all the responsibilities of mothering these two boys with none of the decision making power. 

But regardless of all that drama, malfunction and just plain sinfulness, none of this is the fault of those two little boys.  God drove this point home with this verse from Proverbs 3:27:

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."

This thing I do know: those two boys deserve good.  They deserve love.  They deserve fairness.  They deserve books from Goodwill and the all the full attention and love I can offer them.  I may not be their mother, but I can be their friend.  I am so ashamed of the way I behaved, but I know that God revealed this cold, calloused part of my heart because He desires me to be more than I am.  With His help, I can take this ugly, jerky part of myself and grow up a little.  I am constantly amazed how often I still whine about the unfairness of life.  You'd think I would have gotten the memo.

So, on Saturday, when Joe returns to our house, he is going to find a book waiting for him.  With the help of my Heavenly Father, I am going to give Joseph not only the book that he asked for, but an open heart to give he and Joshua what God asked of me.   

Living Through a Lesson That Isn't Mine to Learn

The phone call left me crestfallen. He didn't get the job---again. Confusion, sadness, frustration, anger and fear overwhelmed me with in an instantaneous torrent of emotion. How could this be? It seemed so promising! It seemed so---right. It just didn't make sense!

As I sat at my desk, helpless to do anything to comfort my sweetie, I struggled to even find the words to reach out to God. Pain had blunted my ability to articulate my feelings to the Lord and I could do nothing but shut my office door, lay my head on my desk and cry. With the tears, the words "Why God?" flowed from my heart. "Why are you doing this to me? To Rene'? What have I done wrong? I prayed, I sought You and yet, I am suffering and Rene' is suffering. WHY!!??"

As I struggled through the rest of my work day, I pondered my feelings and replayed my failures. Maybe if I had gone to Bible study last night, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe if were a better, more faithful Christian, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe, if I had not been backslidden last Fall, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe if I were more faithful in my church attendance, Rene' would have gotten the job. I should have prayed harder, I should have fasted, I should have, I should have, I didn't, I didn't. It's ALL MY FAULT!

Needless to say, it was not an easy weekend for my family. Rene' was upset and frustrated. I was sad and hurt. Rene' withdrew, I reacted. In an effort to quiet both the internal and external chaos, I popped in my headphones, tuned out the world and finally tuned into God. I cried to Him, begging Him to open my eyes, to understand what I needed to do. I quieted my spirit and God spoke.

I read the story of David's shattered relationship with his son, Absalom. This breach in love and trust between father and son came not from David being overbearing or even cruel to his son, it came about because of David's ineffectiveness as a father. When David's other son Amnon raped and humiliated Tamar, Absalom's sister and Amnon's half-sister, the Bible says David was "furious". That's it. He was furious. It doesn't say he was furious and held Amnon accountable. It just says he was furious. (II Samuel 13:21) As I read this passage, I kept waiting for David to do something....but he never did. How disappointing. The man who stood up to giants, conquered nations and who begged to be delivered from deceitful and unjust men (Psalm 43) had himself become deceitful and unjust. Absalom waited for his father to avenge Tamar's disgrace for two years before taking matters into his own hands and murdering Amnon. If you know your Bible, you know that this story ends very badly. Absalom is exiled, returns, plots his father's demise, David abandons his throne, battles ensue, Absalom is defeated, David mourns.

I tell you this story because I want you to understand my thought while reading this. I couldn't help but wonder what David's wife or better, wives were thinking as they watched all this unfold. Did they blame themselves for the wilderness David's disobedience had brought them to? Did they hold themselves responsible for the fact that God was using hardship in their husband's life to strengthen him and grow him? Did they question their walk with God because their husband was going through a trial and they were collateral damage?

Life lesson for Jessica: Because we are one, what Rene' is experiencing, I am going to experience as well. Maybe what we are going through isn't my lesson to learn, it's for Rene's sake. Perhaps God is using this time of unemployment and financial stress to strengthen Rene's faith in God, to grow him closer to the Lord, to teach Rene' to trust and rely on God in every way. Why am I so quick to blame myself when things go wrong? Honestly, because by blaming myself, I am giving myself the illusion that I can control this situation. If I am to blame, then can't I change the circumstances that brought this hardship about? How foolish it is to believe that if I can change the circumstances, the suffering will end! I should know by now that the suffering stays until the lesson is learned.

Honestly, I don't know why we are going through what we are. I don't know if it's for me, Rene' or, more than likely, for both of us, but I do know that God is going to use it. I do know that this time has challenged my concept of what a supportive wife looks like and what a Godly woman does in times of trial. This time has fundamentally changed how I pray as well. Gone are the prayers of "Please God, give Rene' a job" and "Why are You doing this to me?" Through this painful time of reflection (which, by the way is far more productive than recrimination) I have learned yet another life lesson---it really isn't "all about me."

Now the Way that it Stands...She's out of My Hands

I am not invited to her graduation anymore.

I am not sure how it happened. This little one who is the single most important female in my life no longer desires for me to attend the greatest accomplishment she has had to date.

Where did she go? My little one who used to walk on her tippy-toes, holding on to my fingers singing songs about Jesus? How can I ever express the sorrow that comes from knowing those days are gone forever and that the light she once had is no longer in her eyes? I weep for that little girl and I weep for the little girl inside this confused and angry young woman who feels so strongly that I have let her down...and I have.

I blame myself. I am the mother. I should have it so together! I should be able to handle all these twists and turns in our relationship with grace, logic and like Jesus would. Instead, I feel hurt, confused, and angry. Not just angry at her, but angry at myself. Angry at the changes I see in her and angry at the helplessness I feel because I cannot fix it or make it better. Angry at myself because I always say the wrong things, or don't say enough. Angry because my attempts to be accepting seem more like lack of interest. Angry because my attempts to give her space seem more like lack of caring. Angry that my silence seems like judgement and my tears seem like condemnation. There is no right answer and no safe place to stand when you are walking such a thin line in a relationship.

I know I have messed up. I am far from perfect. Those first six months after Steve and I divorced was by far the worst time of my life. I lost myself and my way. Thankfully, God brought me back and I was able to escape that time relatively unscathed. Sadly, I don't think my girl was as fortunate. I was selfish. I was so caught up in my own sorrow, grief, and, lets be honest, freedom, that I was not really there for my children when they needed me the most. Of all the mistakes I have ever made as a mother...this is the one that will haunt me. At night, when I lay sleepless in bed, trying to figure out where I went wrong, those six months are lying in wait to indict me: "It's all your fault!"

I have apologized...I have asked for forgiveness from my children and from my God. I have admitted my wrongs and tried to make amends but the truth is, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot go back and undo the divorce. I cannot make her dad want to stay with me. I cannot erase those six months of acting like I was 18 instead of a 35-year old mother of two. I am sorry for those things...only God knows how much.

I have loved being a mother. I wish I could go back for just one minute and smell her baby hair, tousle those beautiful blonde curls and whisper in her sweet neck how much I love her....I wish she believed me as easily today as she did back then. I wish she would wrap her sweet arms around my neck and whisper, "I love you Mommy!" Perhaps one day, but for now, I have the memories and the reassurance from God that He has His hand on her even when I cannot. For the time being, it will have to be enough.

Nothing Has the Power to Save....

I have been thinking a lot about my now, non-existent diet. Honestly, I am irritated and embarrassed with myself. I mean, who announces to the world that they are going to lose all this weight, start a blog and then.....

DOES NOTHING!!!

Uh...that would be me.

I am still trying. Sort of. I am still trying to make good choices, and stay away from the sweets but I have never met a piece of pizza that I can say no to. So, since I have nothing good to say about my diet at the moment, I am going to focus on something else. God.

I feel that I have marginalized God in my life. I feel as though I have taken my life back from Him this past year. I am not gonna lie, it has been a really rough 10 months or so. Newlywed, blended family, moving, teenager issues, unemployment, personal disappointment and unhappiness with my job. So much in my life felt so wrong for so long! I just kinda stopped giving it to God. I took it away from Him to "handle" for myself. Yeah, that was an EPIC mistake.

Will I ever learn that I cannot do this myself? Will I ever stop taking God from His rightful place on the throne of my life and just follow?

One of the things I love about Jesus is that He is so gentle with me. He is no bully! He doesn't butt his way into my life. He just lets me flounder around until I am sick of myself and exhausted from a futile battle. So, here I am again...on my face...begging Jesus to rescue me from my greatest enemy: ME!

I am too smart to make some grand proclamation of never straying again...I know better. I do love Jesus and the more I cling to that rather than leaning on my own understanding the better things will be. I have hope...

Now, if only I could a handle on that little problem I have with pizza....