My Trial Toolbox

Since I lost my job, Rene' and I have faced many challenges, trials and pain.  In all these things, I always intend to be like Paul and "run the race well" but continuously fall short of that.  I want to be a "saint".  I want to walk around beaming at everyone, flashing huge smiles with grace and peace oozing out of my pores.  The reality is however, some days I am accomplishing something just getting out of bed. 

Maybe your brain turns the same mental somersaults that mine does.  My brain tells me:

It's all your fault.
God is punishing you for_____________.  (Fill in the blank with everything from eating the last Pop Tart to missing church.)
If only you hadn't _____________, none of this would have happened.  (Fill in the blank with everything from gotten a degree in psychology to gossiping.)
If you had read your Bible more, God wouldn't be punishing you now.
You should have prayed yesterday, today, five minutes ago....if you had, none of this would have ever happened.
God is mad at you. 

The other day, I was listening to a message given by an old friend of mine, Pastor Mark Anderson at Ashland Christian Fellowship.  Mark gave a message about the methods that God uses to mold us into the people that God wants us to be.  Mark said many things that resonated with me, but there were two thoughts in particular that revealed to me my heart and my profound ignorance in the ways of God.  Firstly, Mark shared that persecution, pain and problems are the tools of the Almighty God.  This was an idea I had no problem getting behind.  Don't I know it by heart already?  Then as the message progressed, Mark shared the sovreignty of God and the idea that He has a plan for our lives.  Then he said this little prayer; "God, I know you well enough to know that if there were an easier way to grow me, change me and make me better, You would do it because I know that you are good all the time."  Why was this prayer so profound to me?  Because I realized I don't know God well enough to trust that He truly would find other ways to grow me if He could.  I don't trust that God is good all the time.  When things are difficult, challenging or hard, I go into "default" mode. Instead of reaching into a tool chest full of what I know about God, I reach into my yucky, dark, dank past and pull out everything I have ever done to deserve these hard, challenging and difficult times. I do it because those are the thoughts that are easily within reach.  The truth about God and the knowlege I have of Him is buried under all the muck and when I am in trouble, I just don't have the strength to dig deep enough to get to the treasure underneath.

The solution for me is obvious.  I need to move the "good" stuff to the top of my tool chest.  I need to learn more about God, His nature and His attributes.  I need to fill myself with truth so that when bad stuff happens, I have someting to reach for that is good, true, holy and pure.  What I am going through HURTS, STINKS AND IS AWFUL!!!  What I am realizing about myself though is that my first thoughts are usually not the right thoughts.  My "default" is actually a fault line of weakness that causes huge spiritual earthquakes and heartaches in places God never intended there to be any. Truthfully, I don't know or even have one iota of what God is doing in my life. I know He's trying to teach me something and grow me, and slowly, I am learning, His ways are best because He is good---all the time.