Withholding Good

I am going to tell you a story that makes me look bad.  I just have to put that out there. 

It's actually a story of me acting like this:

Instead of what I should have been, which is this:

The other day, I took the boys with me to Goodwill to help Rhianna look for some stuff she needed.  Rhianna and I start looking at clothes, and Joe asks if he and Josh can go look at books.  I tell that is fine, not to talk to strangers, don't eat things from the floor etc...and he and his brother happily go to look at books.

A little while later, Joe returns holding a book.  He says, "Hey Jessica, I found this book and it looks interesting."  I glance at him and say, without even thinking about it, "You're not getting that Joe."  He hangs his head and says, "Okay." and walks back to the books.  I watch him go to make sure he put it back and then continued on with the clothes hunt.

Right before we were all ready to leave, I with my goodies, Rhianna with hers and the boys with nothing, Joe comes up to me again holding the book and says, "Jessica, if you buy me this book, I will pay you back."  I tell him (in an irritated tone), "Joe, I already said no.  It's not okay for you to pester me.  I told you no and I mean it."  He again hangs his head and this time returns the book for reals.

(As if the above wasn't enough, here comes the part that really makes me look like a jerk.  Be prepared.)

On the drive home, Rhianna tells me that she is short on cash and I offer to lend her $20.00 without even a thought.  I go to the bank, get the money, hand it over to her and then we all go home.  I am ashamed to admit this, but the enormity of what I had done didn't even dawn on me until this afternoon, in the quiet of the day, when I finally had time to think it through.  I, without a thought, had refused to lend Joseph $1.49 but had no issues loaning Rhianna $20.00, and God, in His loving and gracious manner revealed to me why:  Rhianna is my child, Joseph is not.  I cry as I write this because as much as I care and love the boys, this incident exposed my heart and the feelings that I have that the boys just aren't "mine" and how desperately selfish these feelings had driven me to be.  I have always, always worried about becoming a "wicked" stepmother and this day was the first time I truly believed that I was.

The truth is that being a stepmother is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I wasn't there when these boys were developing their natures, their personalities, their childlike world views.  I came into the picture three and a half years ago with my children almost completely raised and pretty much the way I had hoped.  In envisioning what my life would be like at 40, it most certainly didn't include two chocolate-eyed ankle biters!  Most of the time, I feel like the "one parent too many" in this equation, and kind of miffed that I have all the responsibilities of mothering these two boys with none of the decision making power. 

But regardless of all that drama, malfunction and just plain sinfulness, none of this is the fault of those two little boys.  God drove this point home with this verse from Proverbs 3:27:

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."

This thing I do know: those two boys deserve good.  They deserve love.  They deserve fairness.  They deserve books from Goodwill and the all the full attention and love I can offer them.  I may not be their mother, but I can be their friend.  I am so ashamed of the way I behaved, but I know that God revealed this cold, calloused part of my heart because He desires me to be more than I am.  With His help, I can take this ugly, jerky part of myself and grow up a little.  I am constantly amazed how often I still whine about the unfairness of life.  You'd think I would have gotten the memo.

So, on Saturday, when Joe returns to our house, he is going to find a book waiting for him.  With the help of my Heavenly Father, I am going to give Joseph not only the book that he asked for, but an open heart to give he and Joshua what God asked of me.