His Message to Me

We've all been there.  Life is hard, times are tough, and we start looking for that word, that comfort to make it all better.  We call our friends.  We post on Facebook.  We text our "peeps".  We reach out beyond ourselves for that something to alleviate the pain.  If we are blessed, our friends respond.  They comfort us with their words, their hugs, their promises of prayer and for a moment, it's okay. 

But the pain always comes back.  Sometimes worse than ever before.  Sometimes, there is a hollowness accompanying the pain.  That empty feeling that tells your spirit that life is never going to be okay again.  Then where do you go?

This has been a very difficult month for me, to say the least.  The loss of my job, my house, financial distress and family issues have made the days seem very, very long.  I struggle to manage my thoughts; they swing back and forth between hopefulness and despair.  For a while, I will feel a glimmer of hope; I know that God loves me and has a plan for my life.  Yippee!  Five minutes later, I am lonely.  I am bored.  I have no one. Nothing. No one loves me.  Life sucks.  Wah wah wah.

Truthfully, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better.  Life circumstances are such that as wonderful as your friend's well meaning words feel, they dissipate under the crush of warring emotions.  They comfort but don't sustain.

Sometimes, you just need a word from the Lord.

The other day, I was there.  I sat down with my bible and rather than beginning my usual morning study routine, I just sat there holding the Word.  I prayed, "God, I just need to hear from you.  I am tired and I am wrung out, guide me where you want me to go."  I opened up my bible and just let the pages fall open.  This is what I read:

"Therefore, since the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.  For we also have had the Gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard it, did not combine it with faith." 
Hebrews 4: 1-2

I read these verses over and over again.  God's promise of rest still stands?  Why don't I feel "rested"?  How can this be true when I feel so tired?  I read the verses again desperately trying to understand, when a light clicked on and one phrase jumped out: "...but the message they heard was of no value to them...because they did not combine it with faith."  Suddenly, everything was clear.  God's rest IS available to me---but do I have the faith to enter in?  Do I have the faith to believe His message?  Not just the promise of rest, but all of His messages to me?

My mind raced.  I have been a Christian for nearly 26 years and I have read the promises of God more times than I can even estimate, but suddenly, all that was meaningless.  My head knowledge of God's promises bring no comfort to me in times of trouble because my faith is weak and I am haunted with unbelief.

In my mind, I went back through the promises of God that I have sought to claim but unable to hold on to;

"All things work together for good...",
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty"
"For in the day of trouble, He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His sacred tent and set me high upon a rock."
"I will never leave you nor forsake you..."

Friends, I am not exaggerating when I say that this epiphany has changed the way I view God and my responsibility in my walk with Him.  It's not enough to read His word, quote it in your head or put it as a Facebook status.  You have to believe it.  Believe it in a way that all the world can see and believe it in the nooks and crannies of your heart.  This paradigm shift in my thinking has also changed my prayer life.  I find myself quoting this beautiful phrase spoken to Jesus by a man who's son was possessed by a demon, "Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"  (Mark 9: 24)  With tears in his eyes, this man who lived 2000 years ago, spoke the words of my heart.

Although I am no where near fully understanding God and His ways, once again God has used the uglies in my life to teach me another aspect of His character.  I am so thankful for Him. 

"Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is a strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is Holy Love.  And even though you cannot understand what He's doing, you know Him."

~Oswald Chambers

 

Perfect Strength and My Weakness

Tomorrow I won't be going to work.  For the first time in many years I won't have a job.  I am not really sure what to do with myself.  The pain I feel when I reflect on how my job ended is very deep.  There is so much more involved in my work that just work---feelings of adequacy, feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.  Who am I without my job?  Who am I now that I am no longer a "social worker"?

I am not going to lie---I have sinned against God since I lost my job.  I have doubted Him.  I have been angry with Him.  I have felt as though He was playing games with my life.  I mean, to give Rene' and I hope that we could stay here in this house only to have the rug pulled out from under us...that seemed so...mean.   I have felt sorry for myself.  I have cried.  I have raged.  I have despaired.

Today we were driving home from looking at yet another house that I didn't want to live in and I felt utter and complete hopelessness wash over me.  Friends, it was bleak.  It's that feeling that the sun is never going to shine, that you have seen your last rainbow and that you will never get to eat hot fudge sundaes again.  It has been a long, long time since that feeling has come over me.  So long in fact, that I recognized it for what it was:  total disobedience and zero trust of God.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I have grown too much in the Lord to stay in this place.  He has become too dear, His ways have become too precious, His voice is the sweetest voice I know.  I cannot stay in this place because I have learned the hard way that I cannot do this life on my own and that the longer I wallow, the farther from Him I get.  I don't want that.  I want to feel the that "peace that passes all understanding".  Believe me, the peaceful feeling is far preferable to the feeling of being in a bottomless dark hole. 

I have hope.  At this moment I have no more information regarding the future than I had this morning, but this is what I do know:

1) God has a plan for my life.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

2)  God is forming me into a better version of me as He guides me through life events that are momentary and pale in comparison to what He has prepared for me.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

3)  God is intimately aware of my circumstances and will save me.
"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing."  Zephaniah 3:17

I just want to say "Thank you" to Jesus for His great and unfailing love.  My prayer is that one day, it won't take me two days to trust---it will be automatic and ingrained.  Still, I am grateful for His opening of my eyes and His forgiveness.  Truly, His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Like a Frog in Water

Remember that old story about frogs and boiling water?  You know, if you try to put a frog in hot water he will immediately hop out, but if you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, he will stay in there and boil to death?  I was thinking today that toxic and unhealthy relationships can be like that frog in the cool water:  the heat can creep up on you until you are boiled alive in something that was once refreshing and uplifting.

I recently ended a friendship.  Once upon a time, this person was my very best friend.  With her, I laughed harder than with anyone else in my whole life and shared more tears than I like to remember. We met when I was just recently separated from my ex-husband.  She was so accepting and understanding! This was a huge breath of fresh air for me after being condemned and judged by so many who had no clue what I was going through.  We connected on a very deep level and I felt that she truly understood me.  She was, in all ways, my BFF.

So, one might ask, what is the problem?  What could possibly have happened that would cause me to end such a deep and caring friendship?

The bottom line:  Core values.


As much as I have always loved my friend, our values never quite matched.  No matter how I say this, I know I  am going to sound "judgmental" but,  the crux of the matter is that although my friend was an intelligent, educated and oh so clever, she was not a Christian.   Honestly, were I searching for a mate instead of investing in a "best" type friendship, this lone fact would have been deal-breaker for me.

The bible states, "How can any two walk together, lest they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3) and although this verse is usually referenced about marriages, I believe it can also apply to intimate friendships.  My relationship with Jesus Christ is not just a core value, He is THE core value of my life.  I now know that in order for me to truly be "free" in my friendships to share my heart and be truly understood, Jesus Christ has to be THE core value for my friend as well.  (The exact why I chose this person to become so close to when I know, and am friends with, so many amazing Christian women, is the topic of another blog perhaps.)

Looking back on all the "red flags" I ignored, I now wonder why it took me so long to see that I was compromising myself (and my faith) by not standing up for what I believed in.  I was afraid to disagree with her about many of the things she fervently believed. There were so many times I disagreed with things that she said, did and accepted and never spoke up because I was fearful of being deemed "judgmental"  or "unyielding".  The crazy thing is that I have never been one to keep silent when I felt as though something was wrong, but I feared losing the friendship and the support.  The unhealthiness of such a dynamic crept up on me.

Years pass in this way until finally inevitably , something happened in our friendship that I could not overlook.  All at once, all the excuses, the "understanding" that I extended, and yes, the compromise culminated in one final OH MY GOSH moment causing me to see that I could no longer continue in this unhealthy and toxic relationship and become the person I have committed to Jesus to be.

I now realize that true friendship, like a good marriage, has to be on an equal footing or it will fail.  I love the differences and quirks of my friends, but ultimately, we have to fundamentally believe in the same things.  Our core values, morals and intimacy with Christ make us who we are.  And if I might offer a small piece of advice?  Please listen to the little voice in your head when it tells you something is not quite right.  It took me far too long to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit.

This has been a painful and sad lesson for me.

Breaking Free from Family Patterns

One of the most heartbreaking memories I have of my mother occurred not when I was a child (although believe me, there were an abundance of those as well), but when I was well over thirty and reaching out to her in an effort to repair our very broken relationship.

I had been in therapy for over a year and a half, working through the pain of my sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her husband. My mom knew I was in therapy, but refused to speak to me about my past and patently refused to acknowledge the trauma I had experienced. She chose to shove her head in the sand and stonewall conversation by saying, "I don't remember, I didn't know, I did the best I could." These responses were unsatisfying to me. Without acknowledgement of wrongdoing and forgiveness, I knew that our relationship would be forever doomed to surface platitudes and deep-seated pain. I wanted so desperately to heal our relationship, to move past the hurt I felt toward her, that I approached my mother and asked her if she would join me at a counseling session since she was going to be in town anyway. I was overjoyed when she agreed.

I am sure you can figure out what happened next. She arrived at the therapist's office with an attitude. She was defensive and combative. She wouldn't listen to me, she interrupted me, she told the therapist to "shut up" and stormed out. My mom had walked away from me---again. It was over in less than 15 minutes. I was devastated. In that moment, I knew that I would never have the relationship with my mother that I wanted and that my dreams to be one of those women whose mom was their best friend was just that-a dream.

Fast forward ten years.

My daughter and I had hit a crossroads. We desperately loved each other, but could not communicate. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, painful words and bucket loads of regrets had strained our relationship. During one of our last "skirmishes", after a complete rehashing of everything we had already said to each other a multitude of times, my daughter in her infinite wisdom said, "Mom. We need to go to counseling. We need help." I, in my pride and foolishness said, "No. YOU need counseling." and ended our conversation.

As a child of God, I am so blessed to know that regardless of my past or what has happened, God has enabled me to be different. To break the family mold, to move beyond my past. So many times I have seen person after person fall into the habits and mistakes of their parents and take the well-trod path of least resistance. Change is hard. Changing from family patterns is even harder--but not for my God. As I was standing in the shower, crying my eyes out over my broken relationship with my daughter, God brought to me a memory: My mom walking out that therapist's door and slamming it. I was immediately flooded with grief and shame. Grief over the loss of a relationship with my mother and shame that I had almost done the same to my child. I begged God to forgive me. I begged Him to help me be different. Mostly though, I begged God to help Rhianna forgive me of my stubborn heart.

Later, I texted my girl. I told her to book the appointment. I would do whatever it takes to save our relationship. I felt freed. I felt new.

And that, my friends is how God breaks someone free from a dysfunctional family pattern.

The Mother of All Sacrifices

When I reflect on Mary, the mother of Jesus, I think that I am not unique in that I tend to keep her presence relegated to the Christmas Story. Mary's act of faith, even as a teenage girl confounds me. Her song of praise upon discovering she will become pregnant with the Child of God moves me to tears---oh such a precious and pure faith!

“My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for He has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is His name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation.

Luke 1:46-50

So imagine my shock when I discovered this set of verses as I was cruising through the book of Mark the other day:

Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that He and his disciples were not even able to eat. When His family heard about this, they went to take charge of Him, for they said, “He is out of His mind.”

Later on, this happens:

Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call Him. A crowd was sitting around Him, and they told Him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”

“Who are my mother and my brothers?” He asked.

Mark 3:20, 31-32

Would you join me for a moment in a little game I like to call, "WHAT THE WHAT??!!"

WHAT in the world was going on with Jesus' family?

WHAT in Pete's peppers was Mary doing with this band of family doubters and scoffers?

WHAT in the heck happened with Mary between "My soul magnifies the Lord" and "He's out of His mind!"?

Believe me when I say that these verses blew my mind. I was seriously bummed out with Mary! The younger version of the calm, cool and collected virgin who faced the Angel Gabriel without fear had been replaced by a middle-aged woman caught up in a miniseries melodrama starring her eldest son and featuring her other children as the bad guys. I couldn't help but wonder, what had changed in Mary?

When my daughter Rhianna was in Junior High, she desperately wanted to try out for the volleyball team. Her friends were all trying out and she wanted to be on the team too. I encouraged her to go for it and assured her that she had what it took to be a great player. Well, she went to the weeklong try outs and did her best, but ultimately wasn't chosen. It was a very sad day for her. She cried, she felt rejected and was seriously upset that she was the only one not chosen out of her group of friends. It was a tough time to be a kid and the mom of that kid!

Fast forward one year. It is once again time for volleyball tryouts and Rhianna wanted to try out again. This time however, I was struggling with letting her. I did not want my daughter to be disappointed and hurt. I didn't want her to feel that crushing blow of rejection and doubt herself. Of course, I outwardly supported her, but when fear would strike me, I would ask, "Are you SURE that volleyball is your thing?" or "Do you think you will be able to keep up on your schoolwork if you are playing volleyball?" Rhianna assured me that volleyball was truly what she wanted and tried out again. Again, she wasn't chosen. I will never forget the sadness on her face when I arrived to pick her up. I was so angry and frustrated! I couldn't help but wonder why God would allow my precious child to suffer such sadness and pain.

Regardless of Jesus' status as "The Son of God", he was also the Son of Mary. As a parent, I have, and always will, hate to see my child suffer and would do just about anything to keep it from happening. Why do I think that Mary would be any different than I am? With this thought in mind, I looked at Mary's presence at the house that day a little differently. Yes, Mary was there to get her son, but I now have no doubt that her presence was not out of embarrassment or condemnation, but born out of the love of a desperate mother's heart. Mary had heard the prophecies---she had been pondering them in her heart for years (Luke 2:19) and knew what was coming down the dusty roads of Israel for her Son. Perhaps she thought that if she could fetch Jesus and bring Him back home, that all that had been foretold would be null and void. It is so evident that God's plans for Jesus were much bigger and far-reaching than Mary's were and I praise God that Jesus had the presence of mind to not listen to His mother although I have little doubt that this was probably the one and only time He ever disobeyed her.

God's plans for our kids are clearly not our plans. We don't want to see our children hurt and in pain. We want rainbows and balloons for our children, not storm-clouds and umbrellas. But I am learning to recognize that every time I interfere in a lesson God has hand prepared for one of my children, I am robbing them of the opportunity to grow and to see just how big God really is. Instead of trying to block the pain, I need to teach my children to pour out their pain to God, just like Jesus did in the garden of Gethsemane. My children may have to die a million metaphorical deaths before they see their spiritual resurrection, but, as their mom, I am going to be in my prayer closet interceding for them rather than standing outside the house interfering in God's plan.

Living Through a Lesson That Isn't Mine to Learn

The phone call left me crestfallen. He didn't get the job---again. Confusion, sadness, frustration, anger and fear overwhelmed me with in an instantaneous torrent of emotion. How could this be? It seemed so promising! It seemed so---right. It just didn't make sense!

As I sat at my desk, helpless to do anything to comfort my sweetie, I struggled to even find the words to reach out to God. Pain had blunted my ability to articulate my feelings to the Lord and I could do nothing but shut my office door, lay my head on my desk and cry. With the tears, the words "Why God?" flowed from my heart. "Why are you doing this to me? To Rene'? What have I done wrong? I prayed, I sought You and yet, I am suffering and Rene' is suffering. WHY!!??"

As I struggled through the rest of my work day, I pondered my feelings and replayed my failures. Maybe if I had gone to Bible study last night, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe if were a better, more faithful Christian, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe, if I had not been backslidden last Fall, Rene' would have gotten the job. Maybe if I were more faithful in my church attendance, Rene' would have gotten the job. I should have prayed harder, I should have fasted, I should have, I should have, I didn't, I didn't. It's ALL MY FAULT!

Needless to say, it was not an easy weekend for my family. Rene' was upset and frustrated. I was sad and hurt. Rene' withdrew, I reacted. In an effort to quiet both the internal and external chaos, I popped in my headphones, tuned out the world and finally tuned into God. I cried to Him, begging Him to open my eyes, to understand what I needed to do. I quieted my spirit and God spoke.

I read the story of David's shattered relationship with his son, Absalom. This breach in love and trust between father and son came not from David being overbearing or even cruel to his son, it came about because of David's ineffectiveness as a father. When David's other son Amnon raped and humiliated Tamar, Absalom's sister and Amnon's half-sister, the Bible says David was "furious". That's it. He was furious. It doesn't say he was furious and held Amnon accountable. It just says he was furious. (II Samuel 13:21) As I read this passage, I kept waiting for David to do something....but he never did. How disappointing. The man who stood up to giants, conquered nations and who begged to be delivered from deceitful and unjust men (Psalm 43) had himself become deceitful and unjust. Absalom waited for his father to avenge Tamar's disgrace for two years before taking matters into his own hands and murdering Amnon. If you know your Bible, you know that this story ends very badly. Absalom is exiled, returns, plots his father's demise, David abandons his throne, battles ensue, Absalom is defeated, David mourns.

I tell you this story because I want you to understand my thought while reading this. I couldn't help but wonder what David's wife or better, wives were thinking as they watched all this unfold. Did they blame themselves for the wilderness David's disobedience had brought them to? Did they hold themselves responsible for the fact that God was using hardship in their husband's life to strengthen him and grow him? Did they question their walk with God because their husband was going through a trial and they were collateral damage?

Life lesson for Jessica: Because we are one, what Rene' is experiencing, I am going to experience as well. Maybe what we are going through isn't my lesson to learn, it's for Rene's sake. Perhaps God is using this time of unemployment and financial stress to strengthen Rene's faith in God, to grow him closer to the Lord, to teach Rene' to trust and rely on God in every way. Why am I so quick to blame myself when things go wrong? Honestly, because by blaming myself, I am giving myself the illusion that I can control this situation. If I am to blame, then can't I change the circumstances that brought this hardship about? How foolish it is to believe that if I can change the circumstances, the suffering will end! I should know by now that the suffering stays until the lesson is learned.

Honestly, I don't know why we are going through what we are. I don't know if it's for me, Rene' or, more than likely, for both of us, but I do know that God is going to use it. I do know that this time has challenged my concept of what a supportive wife looks like and what a Godly woman does in times of trial. This time has fundamentally changed how I pray as well. Gone are the prayers of "Please God, give Rene' a job" and "Why are You doing this to me?" Through this painful time of reflection (which, by the way is far more productive than recrimination) I have learned yet another life lesson---it really isn't "all about me."

God Showed Up

I have never had much success with New Year's resolutions. Talk about setting myself up for failure! I, like many, want to grow spiritually, lose weight, be more healthy, exercise and avoid corn dogs---but I have never made it more than a few days, at most, two weeks. Maybe it's just too much pressure to put on a New Year. All the failures and "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" of last year, brought into the New Year and held up as the warning sign for how to seriously screw up a year and leave it behind with regret.

Honestly, 2011 was a really challenging year. Financial troubles, unemployment and family problems made the last part of the year especially difficult. Stress and pressure on me as the "bread winner" has given me many sleepless nights and emptied more than one package of Chips Ahoy. I leave 2011 behind with a not fond adieu!

Rene' and I were talking on New Year's Eve and I made the offhanded comment that 2011 sucked. He stopped what he was doing and stared at me. I asked him what was the matter and he said, "2011 didn't suck! Look what God did for us! He provided for us in so many ways, answering our prayers and keeping us afloat." Well, friends, I was pretty ashamed. My hubby is right. They year 2011 will be the year for me that GOD SHOWED UP.

God is always present. I have been a Christian for so long, that I often take His presence and His guidance for granted. In these very difficult times however, the faith that God is always there is easily obscured with worry, doubt and fear. When there is worry, prayer is ineffective. When there is fear, prayers are riddled with fear. When there is doubt, the blessings aren't seen. It was in this moment of my greatest doubts and sadness when God's love broke through.

We received money from unexpected sources to buy our children Christmas gifts. We were given gift cards to grocery stores that provided food for our family. Somehow, even amidst the struggle, the rent was paid, there was heat in our home and food for our baby kitties. The amazing thing? I didn't even ask for any of these things. My prayers were either sporadic or peppered with doubt, fear and self-pity. Yet, God showed up anyway. His love overcame my worry and fear and blessed our family abundantly.

This year, I intend to make a New Year's resolution that for me, should be easy after seeing God's nature even in the midst of my unbelief in the year 2011. This year, I am going to stop looking down at my circumstances and start looking up at Jesus. He is greater than my circumstances, stronger than my doubts and present in my loneliness. God never RSVPs to my pity party, but He always shows up and is never late.