Friday, April 6, 2012

Like a Frog in Water

Remember that old story about frogs and boiling water?  You know, if you try to put a frog in hot water he will immediately hop out, but if you put a frog in cool water and gradually turn up the heat, he will stay in there and boil to death?  I was thinking today that toxic and unhealthy relationships can be like that frog in the cool water:  the heat can creep up on you until you are boiled alive in something that was once refreshing and uplifting.

I recently ended a friendship.  Once upon a time, this person was my very best friend.  With her, I laughed harder than with anyone else in my whole life and shared more tears than I like to remember. We met when I was just recently separated from my ex-husband.  She was so accepting and understanding! This was a huge breath of fresh air for me after being condemned and judged by so many who had no clue what I was going through.  We connected on a very deep level and I felt that she truly understood me.  She was, in all ways, my BFF.

So, one might ask, what is the problem?  What could possibly have happened that would cause me to end such a deep and caring friendship?

The bottom line:  Core values.


As much as I have always loved my friend, our values never quite matched.  No matter how I say this, I know I  am going to sound "judgmental" but,  the crux of the matter is that although my friend was an intelligent, educated and oh so clever, she was not a Christian.   Honestly, were I searching for a mate instead of investing in a "best" type friendship, this lone fact would have been deal-breaker for me.

The bible states, "How can any two walk together, lest they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3) and although this verse is usually referenced about marriages, I believe it can also apply to intimate friendships.  My relationship with Jesus Christ is not just a core value, He is THE core value of my life.  I now know that in order for me to truly be "free" in my friendships to share my heart and be truly understood, Jesus Christ has to be THE core value for my friend as well.  (The exact why I chose this person to become so close to when I know, and am friends with, so many amazing Christian women, is the topic of another blog perhaps.)

Looking back on all the "red flags" I ignored, I now wonder why it took me so long to see that I was compromising myself (and my faith) by not standing up for what I believed in.  I was afraid to disagree with her about many of the things she fervently believed. There were so many times I disagreed with things that she said, did and accepted and never spoke up because I was fearful of being deemed "judgmental"  or "unyielding".  The crazy thing is that I have never been one to keep silent when I felt as though something was wrong, but I feared losing the friendship and the support.  The unhealthiness of such a dynamic crept up on me.

Years pass in this way until finally inevitably , something happened in our friendship that I could not overlook.  All at once, all the excuses, the "understanding" that I extended, and yes, the compromise culminated in one final OH MY GOSH moment causing me to see that I could no longer continue in this unhealthy and toxic relationship and become the person I have committed to Jesus to be.

I now realize that true friendship, like a good marriage, has to be on an equal footing or it will fail.  I love the differences and quirks of my friends, but ultimately, we have to fundamentally believe in the same things.  Our core values, morals and intimacy with Christ make us who we are.  And if I might offer a small piece of advice?  Please listen to the little voice in your head when it tells you something is not quite right.  It took me far too long to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit.

This has been a painful and sad lesson for me.


2 comments:

  1. Ohhh, dear Jessica--you expressed your hurting heart so well--I've been there myself, and my husband had to be the one to tell me I was totally unequally yoked with my friend and I should think about ending it--sob sigh. I was so mad at him, and I'm sure my Lord was grieved cuz I was so willfully "blind"--you are wise, and altho the memory will remain sad, it will also draw you so much closer to God it will take some of the sadness away and joy will come in the morning! I promise...

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  2. I am so proud to call you my friend. Your heart for the Lord is so evident and this time it just couldn't waiver....not for anyone. I have said recently that the thing I LOVE MOST in my girlfriends is their TRUE LOVE FOR THE LORD!! It is inspiring, heart warming and attractive. I know that you love your friend....and she is a lost soul. Perhaps, through this trial, she will come to see her need for her Savior. Love you Jess....Keep on running this race!!!! Sometimes in order to stay on track we have to leave some behind. HUGS to you friend!!!

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