Unhealthy habits, unhealthy thoughts

I lost four pounds this week and I am very happy about that. I got up yesterday morning...stalked to that scale as though I didn't give a fish taco about the results and was rewarded with a very pleasant surprise. I guess resisting all those delicious tasty treats last week paid off!

Here's the thing though:

I am addicted to food. There is no doubt. Food is my comfort, my friend, my solace, and my rock in times of trouble. I always kinda thought Jesus was all those things to me...but it turns out I turn to food a lot more frequently than I do Jesus! This point was driven home to me in technicolor detail last Friday when, after a tough couple hours at work, all I could think about was a delicious cheeseburger at Jasper's. I really wanted a burger to chase away the pain. I ran through the gamut of reasons of why I deserved a burger: I got called in on my day off, an old lady yelled in my face, I got cussed out by same old lady, people can be awful to old people sometimes, I was missing my time off with The Rene'. You name it, I thought of it. And for a moment, it worked. I had every intention of going to Jasper's and indulging in that same old feeling...food as comfort.

I didn't do it though. And that my friends, was the greatest victory I had this week. I broke an unhealthy pattern for the first time. It was a huge breakthrough for me.

I know that it is going to take a long time for me to break all the unhealthy eating habits I have developed since I was a child. As I have said in a previous blog, I have always been overweight. I have absolutely no concept of what walking without my thighs rubbing together feels like. I have never looked in the mirror and have been happy with what I see. I wonder sometimes if disliking myself because of my weight is as much a part of me as my chubbiness. What will I focus on when I no longer can obsess about my weight?

Today The Rene' and I went and bought new tennis shoes in anticipation of our new gym membership. We are both very dedicated to shaping up and getting healthy. I hate the idea of sweating in front of complete strangers...but I hate the idea of being a chub scout for the rest of my life...or dying early more.

One small step at a time....