A Documentary Intervention

Because I find myself with mucho time on my hands, I have been indulging in my favorite "pamper me" pastime: documentary binging.  I know, it's not mani-pedis or chocolate overdosing, but it's still my favorite way to while away the hours, and today's choice was a feature about Gary Ridgway.  Oh, you probably would know him better by his other name; "The Green River Killer".  Oh yeah.  Serial Killers baby.  I know some might find the fascination I have for serial killers morbid, but let me assure you that my interest is academic in nature and really, is it any wonder?  I am a psychology major after all...and a history major to boot!  This kind of documentary is both historical and psychologically compelling.  Two birds with one documentary!  But I digress....

Gary Ridgway is the most prolific serial killer in the history of the United States.  He confessed to killing 71 women during his nearly 20-year crime spree, but it is suspected that the real number is closer to 90.  He was convicted of 49 of the murders in 2003, and was spared the death penalty by cooperating with the police and assisting them in finding the bodies of his victims.  As part of his penalty phase, he was required to sit in court as his victim's family members made statements regarding the impact his crime had on their lives.  As one would expect, person after person came forward spewing hatred, anger, cursing him to hell, insulting him and wishing him a long, agonizingly slow death. Family members raged and cried as they attempted to express the grief, pain and loss that this man had subjected them to and throughout the entire proceeding, Gary Ridgway sat stone-faced.  No reaction.  No response. No remorse.  Just a blank stare.    Then a gentleman named Robert Rule, father of 16-year old victim Linda Rule, came to the podium and made this statement: 

"Mr. Ridgway, there are people here who hate you, I'm not one of them.

I forgive you for what you've done. You've made it difficult to live up to what I believe, and it is what God says to do, and it is to forgive.

And He doesn't say to forgive just certain people, He says to forgive all. So you are forgiven, sir."

 

 

As Mr. Rule spoke, the camera panned to Gary Ridgway as his mouth began to quiver, his eyes filled with tears and his hardened expression cracked.  Gary Ridgway cried.  What anger and judgment failed to do as person after person condemned him, one individual accomplished with forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness has been on my mind for a while.  Mainly because I have people in my life I need to forgive.  Not for anything even approaching the magnitude of what Robert Rule had to forgive Gary Ridgway for, but still painful for me.  I have held on to anger and bitterness in an attempt (I think) to insulate me from future pain and to assure that I will never be hurt by those people again.  Since I am being honest, I will also confess my unforgiveness is a means of "punishing" people who have hurt me.  I have removed myself from their life because they have caused me pain and under the guise of "boundaries" have held their offenses at the forefront of my heart. 

 

It's been a smashing success: I have not been hurt by those people any more.  It's also exacted a high price.  Someone once said "Bitterness destroys the bridge you need to get over the pain." The same heart that has to be hardened to keep the spark of bitterness alive is the same one needed to approach God and seek forgiveness for sins, to love others, to reach out, to live joyously.  You cannot have both bitterness and love in your heart; I am learning that the two are mutually exclusive and the problem is that eventually bitterness will spread to other areas in your life like a fungus.  Bitterness is an opportunist, the nagging voice in the back of your head always waiting for a chance to spread.  It doesn't matter if it's your spouse, your children, your friends---bitterness will infect your life in very subtle, yet destructive, ways.     

 

Moreover, as the story of Robert Rule so beautifully demonstrates, forgiveness is a powerful weapon to break down walls. All the bitterness in the world has no power to bring healing like one small act of forgiveness does.  I have to wonder; who does Gary Ridgway remember as his spends his days in prison?  The mob of hatred or the light of one forgiver?  The heart that holds people hostage to their transgressions and doesn't forgive, forfeits the chance to make a difference in the lives of those individuals who so desperately need, like we all do, to be shown God's love.  That's what God's forgiveness is; an outpouring of His great love for us.  If I want God's love to flow through me, I have to forgive.  It's that simple.   

 

You wouldn't think that a documentary about a serial killer could have such a profound spiritual lesson embedded in it, and for most people, it probably doesn't, but that is the amazing thing about God.  He uses the everyday mundane to kick us in the tookus and open our eyes to areas in our lives that need refining and growth.  I am so glad I decided to watch that documentary instead of cleaning the toilet!      

Where I Have Been.

Last Sunday at church a dear lady said to me, "Where have you been?! I haven't seen you in FOREVER!"  I smiled, shrugged, and said the first thing that came to mind, "I don't know."  She looked at me puzzled, but smiled and said it was good to see me and walked away not knowing that I had given her the most honest answer I could muster at the moment.  It's pretty tough to keep church chat light when the real answer to the question "Where have you been?" can be summed up in four words: 

Bottom of the pit.

For two and a half years I have been in a slow, inch-by-inch slide downhill into a pit of depression so profound that I literally wanted to end my own life.  A mass of painful life events in quick succession left me an exhausted, drained and depleted mess.  I stopped going out, stopped contacting my friends, quit going to church and curled up in a ball cocooned in sadness and despair.  I have been "white knuckling" my way through my life for months and even though I work in social services, and know all the symptoms and signs of depression, I ignored the warning signs and spent my weekends in bed.  No joke.  I would come home from work on Friday and go to bed.  I would leave my room Monday morning for work.  Come home from work, go to bed.  Repeat cycle daily.  This was my life. 


I know that some will ask:
"Did you pray about it?" 
           "Did you ask God to deliver you from your situation?'
                               "Did you turn your sadness over to the Lord?"

Yes. Yes. And Yes. 

I prayed so hard. I cried.  I begged God to deliver me from this pit.  I read the Psalms again and again.  I asked for prayer from my friends.  I did everything I possibly could to pull myself out of the pit.  But I couldn't crawl out.  I was just so tired. 
I couldn't think.
My ability to concentrate was gone.
Trying to make the simplest decisions overwhelmed me.
I was anxious.
I couldn't sleep through the night.
I was constantly tearful and sad. 
I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 
I had lost all hope (I hope that if you are reading this that you have never experienced what a life devoid of hope looks like). 
I just wanted the pain to stop.  
I just wanted to die. 

Then the day came that I couldn't go to work.  I just laid in bed and cried.  I had been crying for two days and was just...done.   I didn't even know why I was crying; I just couldn't stop.  I had given up. 

As awful as my depression was for me, it was absolutely terrifying for my Sweetie. My poor husband was watching me fall deeper and deeper and didn't know what to do.  The day I couldn't go to work, he knew something was wrong.  He knew something wasn't quite right. This man who never wants to miss a day of work walked into his supervisor's office and told him he had to go home.  He came home to find me incoherently sobbing.  He sat down on the bed, grabbed my hand and told me, "We're getting help."

I don't know how to describe it,  but  knowing that someone wanted to fight for me, loved me and valued my life enough to come for me changed everything.  There was my hope.  There was my joy.  My Sweetie sat by me as I called the doctor and has been by my side as I slowly crawl out of this pit.

I am not completely there.  I still struggle with sadness, and often feel the tentacles of despair wanting to wrap themselves around my ankles and pull me down.  I still wrestle with the desire to not leave my house and just stay home.  I battle daily to keep my eyes up and focus on the Lord and the love He has given me through my husband, my friends and my family.  I still want to go to bed,  but more often than not I don't anymore and it's the small successes that give me hope for my future.

I have battled depression my entire life, but this was by far the worst case of depression I have ever experienced.  Never before had I been in a pit so dark and potentially dangerous.  My depression smothered me and paralyzed me with fear and negativity.  Now that I am feeling better, I can't believe I waited so long to get help.

I have no real "life lesson" to conclude this blog with, except maybe this:  If you don't feel quite right or feel out of sorts, and your life has lost it's shine, please learn from me and get help right away.  Please.  I suffered for months and months thinking I could fix myself by sheer willpower. I was wrong.

Also, if you know anyone who doesn't seem like themselves, is starting to withdraw, and behaving in a manner that isn't characteristic of them, please offer help.  Ask if they need help.  Show up.  You never know what one small kindness can do in a life filled with sadness. 



  

A Kind of Armageddon

Last night I finally reached the end of the photos. 

For the past two years, I have been working on reorganizing all the photos that I have accumulated in the past 20+ years. I have been taking them out of the albums, labeling the back with names, dates etc...and then filing them in a photo box.  It has been a tough road. In fact, I have only worked on it when I have a couple of days to devote to it because it is a long and time consuming process (thus the two years).   Lo and behold, this past week I had the flu sent from some under-minion of Satan, and my hubby suggested I spend my couch time sorting through the last two albums I had left. Since all I could do was sit, I decided to go for it and THIS time I would finish. And I did.

I have no more albums left and I filed the last picture.  I labeled the last label.  And I wept.  Not with joy over finishing a project; but with sorrow and grief because when I look in my children's photo boxes I see this: 

The significance of that year cannot be over-looked.  It was that year that my marriage ended.  It was that year that my children's family was destroyed and here was the proof of that destruction contained in an insignificant photo box.

As I looked through year after year of photographs, I finally understood what my children had lost.  I always understood intellectually, but I never really understood in my heart.  Last night, right now at this moment...I understand and I cry.  To my children, there is nothing but happy memories in those pictures.  They never knew that saddness and pain in their parent's marriage and that is good.  They could be children and be secure in the knowledge that all was right in the world.  I look at the pictures and I know our marriage was a painful mess, but my kids never knew that.  Not until their Dad sat us all down in the living room in December 2007 and told us he was leaving.  And in that moment...Armageddon for the family they had always known.

I write this blog today because I want you to know that once you have children, your marriage isn't just for you anymore.  It's for them too.  Your marriage is a bedrock foundation on which your children build every belief they have about love, relationships, security and stability.  If you are struggling in your marriage, if you are toying with the thought of leaving, giving up and walking away, I implore you...I beg you...don't.  Stay.  Fight.  Fight for your marriage, fight for your children, fight for their future.  Divorce has devastating and long-lasting consequences and in ways you can't even fathom or imagine.  I know that I never thought I would be putting together photo boxes seven years after my divorce and weeping for my lost family.  That pain just never goes away and I am an adult who went through the divorce....imagine the loss for the children.  For me, I don't have to imagine...I have the evidence of their destroyed family sitting in six photo boxes in my living room. 

Please fight for your marriages.  Please fight for your family.  Just keep trying.  Please. 

An Agent for Change

I haven't written a blog in a LONG time.  It's not that I didn't have anything to say, rather, I think God was saying some things to me...just for me. What has motivated me to write this blog is that I want to thank God for growth.  I am not the same, I have changed and I know that God alone has wrought this change in me.  Recent circumstances have shown to me that despite my feelings of feeling stuck, I am NOT the same as I was a year ago and HALLELUJAH to God for the chance to truly experience change in a tangible and meaningful way!

When my sweet hubby called me two days before Christmas to tell me he had lost his job I was stunned.  Completely blindsided.  We had no idea this was coming; his job seemed so secure!  As the phone call progressed and my sweetie related to me the circumstances behind his job loss, the first thing that popped into my mind was "What the heck?  God, what's up with this?  Why can't we catch a break?"  I am not ashamed of this, I am, after all, human and momentary self-pity is allowed.  As we were wrapping up the phone call, I told my hubby, "Well, we have been here before and I know God has a plan.  Let's just walk in that."  My Love agreed with me and we ended the call.  As I hung up the phone I realized that what I said was not a platitude, a flippant, trite comment or a fake response to placate my sad husband.  I actually meant what I said.  We have been here before and we have with the help of the Lord, walked in victory.

This time last year, I was unemployed and we were financially desperate.  I had been out of work for nine months, applied for dozens of jobs and faced rejection after rejection.  I was broken and crushed during the Christmas season; completely depleted of hope and running on fumes of old faith.  The beauty of that time is that at the bottom of it all, God was there.  I was cradled and cuddled by His love and His words. I clung to the words of David:

          "In my distress I called upon the LORD ; to my God I cried for help.  From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears." Psalm 18:6 

Over and over again God revealed himself not only to me, but to my family.  He blessed us beyond measure and I believed.  I came to a place in my life where I finally was able to say, "Your will, Your way" and mean it.   

In the days following the news of my husband's job loss I kept waiting for the fear, for the crushing sense of panic, for the sleepless nights and for the worry.  I kept wondering if I was in denial or some sort of fugue state because the feelings weren't coming.  Being the slow learner that I am, it took someone else to point out to me that maybe those feelings aren't there because I have changed.  My previous trials have taught me to rest in God and that He is in control and there is an answer to these problems, but I am not the one who has it.  The best part is that choosing to trust in a Faithful God is far less stressful than my previous response to trials.  I would get so tied up in knots, wrapped up in the sorrow and strain of our life situations that I would be paralyzed---I could not function.  I praise God that this is not so for me now.  I have learned!  In pondering all this, God brought this verse to mind;

  "We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Today, I want to thank God for growth.  Today I want to say that I am not the same as I was a year ago and that God is the only one who could have brought this result about in me.  Please don't think this is a way for me to toot my own horn and say, "Wow, look how awesome I am" because it is not.  I am just a girl whose life has been changed and I want you all to know that God gets the glory and the praise.  Are you walking in a circumstance that seems crushing with no escape?  Believe me, I have been there and I encourage you to find a verse, cling to it, and let it be your life preserver in your storm.  God is there...He's got you in the palm of His hand and will calm the storm.   



I Want to Beat the "Blending" Odds

"Blending families in second (or third) marriages is one of the greatest causes of divorce. Very few of these marriages survive five years."

"Marriages with blended families tend to be very unsuccessful, one of the greatest predictors of divorce."

~From the "Marriage Builders" web site

My little family is having a tough time blending.  Sometimes I think my blend isn't working due to the fact that there is just too much "stirring" going on.  Stirring the pot.  Stirring up of resentments.  Stirring up of unmet expectations.  Judgment.  Condemnation. Unforgiveness.  Ingredients for trouble in any family...ingredients for destruction in a family who's foundation is based on a tenuous connection between two flawed parents rather than shared DNA. 

So, I ask myself, how do people do it?  How do they "beat" the odds and succeed in blending families and saving their marriages? 

I have done A LOT of reading and research.  I have been driven to my knees again and again crying out to God to change my heart and give me HIS heart for this endeavor I feel He has led me to.  The problem is; not everyone in my family is doing the same.  How do I keep peace when not everyone is following?

Honestly, at this point, I don't know.  All I can do is my part and follow God, but the journey does get wearing.

If you are reading this right now, would you please pray for my family?  Thank you!

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast but have not love, nothing I am profited. Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not inflated. It is not discourteous, it is not selfish, it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil. It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth It covers all things, it has faith for all things, it hopes in all things, it endures in all things. Love never falls in ruins; but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or tongues, they will cease; or knowledge, it will be superseded. For we know in part and we prophecy in part. But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded. When I was an infant, I spoke as an infant, I reckoned as an infant; when I became [an adult], I abolished the things of the infant. For now we see through a mirror in an enigma, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know as also I was fully known. But now remains faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The Power of "WHY?"

Yesterday on Facebook I posed the question, "Am I the only one who thinks, "God, why didn't this work out? My plan would have been so much more simple!!!"

For posing the question, I was told that:
a) I am immature
b) I shouldn't ask why
c) All of God's previous blessings should now preclude me from asking "Why?"
d) That I need to Proverbs 3:5,6 the problem
e) That I don't need to know, I just need to trust
f) I need to grow up

It is with a sincere heart that I say to those who chastised me for wondering "why"---have you considered King David?

I love David.  He was real and emotional and vulnerable and fallable.  He wrote from his heart and soul.  He poured out his guts onto paper and we now have the Psalms.  He doubted, he feared, he wept, he groaned, he whined, he complained, he felt forsaken and HE ASKED WHY!!!

Psalm 22:1,2
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.


For me, asking why builds my faith.  For me, telling God, "I don't understand Lord" opens up channels of communication.  For me, seeking God when I simply don't "get it" puts me right where I belong: at His feet and waiting.  There is much to be said for being honest and vulnerable about the way we feel in times of confusion.  My prayer is that because I say to God, "Why?" He will one day give me the answers that He gave David.  It brings me such comfort and reassurance that because David cried out to the Lord and said, "Why God?" he received this from the Lord:

Psalm 22:3-5
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.
In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

Asking "Why" is NOT a lack of trust for me.  It's quite the opposite really.  I trust my wounded heart to Him and He never chastises me or chides me for my fears and doubts.  I trust God with every fiber of my being. I trust Him with my heart, my family and my life. I also trust that He is big enough to know that my sinner's heart doubts and fears and asks why. I trust He loves me anyway. I trust that He will answer me in due time and should He not, I trust there is a reason. 

Regardless of the condemnation I receive from others, I am going to continue to be real and transparent.  I choose to be like David; real, transparent, questioning, doubting AND a man after God's own heart. 

Been thinkin' about....

I have a lot on my mind.  Mainly random stuff and nothing too deep.  I thought I would do a blog entirely comprised of my random thoughts.  Are you ready for a small insight into my brain?  Be prepared; it's scary in there.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1)  I kind of want a cape.  Not because I think I would look great in one or because I am trying to make a statement.  It would mainly be so I could walk really fast and have the cape woosh out behind me like Darth Vader.  That would be so rad.

2)  Speaking of "wooshing", one of the main reasons I love having long hair is because I love it when my hair is whipped back by the wind.  I feel like Ariel from The Little Mermaid or Bonnie Tyler in her "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video.  (If you haven't watched that one in a while, make a point to do so...it's so weird!)

3)  I accidentally read a spoiler on the season three ending of "Downton Abbey" over a week ago and I am still mad that it happened.  When someone makes a genealogy for a television show, they should not put "deceased" on a character so soon after the season ended!  Sheesh!

4)  I burned my arm really badly on a curling iron a couple days ago.  It burnt all the arm hair off and is blazing red.  It hurt like a mamma jamma and has cured me of any desire I have of obtaining gorgeous locks via a rod heated to molten-lava consistency.  It's blistering and will probably leave a scar...a big one.  Curling iron-1, Jessica-0. 

5)  I recently made the realization that I follow season goodies with the same fanaticism of a pre-pubescent Justin Bieber fan.  Fall is candy corn.  Christmas is chocolate covered cherries.  Valentine's Day is for boxes of chocolates, then Girl Scout Cookies.  Next is Easter and Cadbury Creme Eggs and Cadbury Mini Eggs.  After Easter we head into Summer and then it's time for ice cream and s'mores.  No wonder I am overweight!  :)

6)  My neighbor's dog is named Monte.  I think that is awesome.  Only problem is that Monte barks like he's eaten a ball of meth the size of an orange.

7)  I need to get a job because I really miss my Sock Monkeys.  They are all packed away in my work boxes and I still haven't had the heart to go through the boxes since I lost my job 10 months ago.  Also, my kids bought me a Sock Monkey lunch box last summer that I am dying to use!  Job soon please!

8)  This morning when I was making the bed, I thought I saw a black spider and started pounding it with a book.  It was a fuzz from my black socks.  It's dead though, so that is good.

9)  My favorite milkshake is Caramel.  I really want one right now which is why this is relevant.

10)  I worry sometimes what I am going to do with myself when I am an old lady.  I don't sew.  I don't knit.  I don't crochet.  I hate gardening.  I don't quilt.  I don't embroider or anything of the stitchy variety.  I will probably end up some crazy grandma that chases kids off my property with a sawed-off shotgun to protect my moonshine still.  I will subscribe to TV Guide and sit down every week to circle all my "shows" so I don't miss the 73rd season of "Dancing with the Stars" and Survivor: Mars.