Changing Lanes

Recently, I made the mistake of hitting my local grocery store after work.  It was packed.  Traffic jam by the bananas, three cart pile up at the milk refrigerators, register lines backed up to the bread aisle.  What a mess.  My plan was to do a quick in-and-out and be home in 10 minutes, but one look at the checkout lanes and I knew my plans we irrelevant.  I was in for a wait.  I picked a lane at random and settled in to wait my turn.  While I waited, a gentleman came and stood behind me and I was quickly made aware that he was not in the mood to wait.  He shuffled impatiently back and forth sighing heavily.  He was muttering, complaining and constantly craning his neck to see what everyone else was doing.  He waited behind me for perhaps two minutes and decided he’d had enough.  He changed lanes to the one next to us.  Soon, he became impatient there and moved one more over.  As I was placing my few groceries on the belt, I became aware of a commotion in the lane chosen by Mr. Impatient Pants.  He was loudly vocalizing his displeasure because the cashier was doing a price check for another customer. He was so worked up!  I couldn’t help but smile as I breezed by him on my way out of the store.  If he had only waited, he would be on his way out as well instead stranded two people back from the promised land of checking out.

We are all familiar with the Exodus and the Israelites circling Mt. Sinai as God dealt with their idolatrous hearts and impatient spirits.  Every rebellion of heart and work of their own hands simply added to the amount of time spent in the wilderness as God refined them in preparation to receive His promises.  I wonder how often in my walk with Jesus do I miss the “promised land” because I become impatient and change lanes.  We all know that waiting is difficult and the difficulty multiplies exponentially depending on the intensity you wish for something to happen.  I am well aware that when I become impatient, I am tempted to crane my neck and look at what everyone else is doing with their lives and what they have in comparison to myself.  Many times I am tempted to alter my course to generate activity or murmur and complain because things are just not working out the way I think they should.  I say to myself, "Why is this taking so long?! Why am I wasting my time here?!"  I have made the mistake of trying to get what I want by jumping lanes and attempting to hustle God along to my envisioned promised land only to wind up stranded at the base of Mt. Sinai while I learn my lesson.  Reminds me of the old song:    

 Go on and . . . take another lap around Mt. Sinai
‘Til you learn your lesson
‘Til you stop your whining and you quit your rebellin’
‘Til you learn to stand in your day of testin’
By trustin’ and obeyin’ the Lord.

The Word of God lays forth the truth of God’s promises and I have learned that He keeps them.  God has never let me down and His ways are infinitely better than mine.  My way leaves me frustrated, confused and depleted.  His way leaves me to peace, fulfillment and contentment.  Why chose chaos when you can have peace?    

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!  Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”

-Psalm 27:13-14

No matter what season of life I am in, I continue to learn that the lane God has me in right now is the best one for me, and that there is nothing “over there” that will be better.  Waiting on God is never wasted time.

 

 

The "Never More Than You Can Handle" Fallacy

Last weekend, I was sharing with a Christian friend some painful and perplexing challenges that I have been going through.  In an effort to encourage me they said, “God never gives you more than you can handle.”  To which I promptly said, “Who told you that?!  That is not true! Show me where it says that in the Bible!” (I have never claimed to be subtle!) My friend argued that it was in the bible and went on to quote 1 Corinthians 10:13:

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

I told them (kindly, I promise) that they are taking the verse out of context and that Paul is referring to temptation…not trials. It just doesn't make sense for it to be anything else.  It seems contradictory to what I have understood the Christian life to be. The Bible is full of people who can't handle what is coming at them-Paul included! Is this not the same guy who wrote;

"Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure." 2 Corinthians 11: 24-27

Sounds like more than anyone could handle!  But Paul also wrote;

 "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

Perhaps you think me unkind or too blunt, but I am passionate about this subject.  I have seen too many of my beloved friends bowled over by suffering, pain and loss.  I have sat with friends who literally could not pull themselves off the floor because the pain was so unbearable.  I have sat helplessly on the phone and listened to people I love weep uncontrollably because they are so desolate. I myself have been so aggrieved and wracked with suffering and sorrow that I became sick and dehydrated from crying so much.  Why?  Because my life was more than I could handle.  God, the director of my life, had opened the door and allowed more than I could handle to enter.

But, I am in good company.

Job: Lost his children, his wealth and health.  His wife was a jerk and his friends were judgmental. More than he could handle? 

Abraham: Called by God to sacrifice his beloved son as an act of obedience.  More than he could handle?

Mary, the mother of Jesus: Stood by and watched her precious Son be crucified and die. More than she could handle?

David: Pursued relentlessly by Saul for 4 years and forced to live the life of a fugitive-more than he could handle?

Jesus: Carried the weight of mankind's sin and died on a cross to save us all-more than He could handle?

I don’t know about you, but until I learned the truth of God’s sovereignty and the incorrectness of the “more than we can handle” line of thinking, I honestly thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so overwhelmed and strung out!  I would question myself and my relationship with God because I knew I was experiencing far more than I could handle! I thought I lacked genuine faith.  But this is simply not true.  I love God, I know Him and I serve Him and I am most definitely given more than I can handle.  All. The. Time.  I know I am not the only one, and I want to encourage all of us who suffer or know someone who is suffering to stop falling back on clichés and instead focus on the truth of God’s word to us. 

I now know that God does allow more than we can handle to come into our lives but He can enable us to endure. He gives us strength. He has promised He would never leave us. Never forsake us. Bless our perseverance. He said He would give us joy in the midst of suffering, and perfect us through our sorrows. Check out these verses; they are just a few of the dozens upon dozens of verses in the Bible relating to suffering and God's view on the matter. 

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. ..."   1 Peter 4:12-19

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

It says in Psalm 119:68 "You are good and do good!"  Did you catch that? God is only ever able to do good!  There is no "shadow of turning" in Him, He is simply incapable of doing anything with malicious intent or ulterior motives! I can trust Him when He says,

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10

I have hope that God is making me who He wants me to be. I am thankful that he uses the painful trials and circumstances to draw me closer to Him and challenge me to go deeper, dig in and know him more. I am so blessed to know there is a greater purpose at work.   There will always be "more than I can handle" moments, but I trust my Jesus and my Lord to always do what's best for me. I pray this is true for you as well.   

A Question of Obedience

A couple months ago I made a decision that, at the time, I was sure that God had His hand in and had spoken to me clearly about.  The decision I made flew in the face of the world and what those who practice careful abandon would have done, and I was okay with that.  Until recently.  Lately, I have grown fearful and have questioned myself and my perception of what I had heard from God because things are not turning out the way I had hoped.  Did I really hear from God? Am I positive that I was following Him and not my own desires? I beat myself up constantly because even after nearly 30 years of being a Christian, I still fall into the trap of equating obedience to God with positive results. Furthermore, I not only secretly harbor the idea that obedience to God will automatically result in good things, but that disobedience to God will automatically result in bad things. 

Intellectually, I know this is a fallacy.  There are a bazillion examples in the Bible of the faithful being afflicted.  Paul obeyed and was beaten.  David obeyed and was pursued for years by a murderous Saul.  Job obeyed and lost everything.  John obeyed and was thrown in a vat of boiling oil.  Jesus obeyed and He died on the cross.  Conversely, many people in the Bible were disobedient yet were still blessed; the nation of Israel is a great example of this. 

As you can imagine, this distorted thinking has resulted in a burdensome and not all that joyous experience with God.  In the deepest part of me, I don't want a faith that is dependent on me because I am not equipped to bear that responsibility.  I also don't want to diminish God and His perfect will for my life by treating him like a vending machine of blessings in which I put in the required contribution and I get what I want.      

My journey at this point in life is to understand the steadfastness of God and that He is above my machinations and my frailties.  That in His faithfulness he has blessed me:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,

and comes down from the Father of lights,

with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

James 1:17

 and in His faithfulness I have been afflicted:

I know, O Lord, that Your judgments are right,
And that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

Psalm 119:75

Life is hard.  There's no doubt about that, but I make it much more so by constantly judging the vagaries of life by weighing out my "good" and "bad" behavior.  I am so grateful that God is not limited to my small estimation of Him and that His faithfulness is not dependent on me.  I praise Him for shining the light on an area of my life that is in desperate need of a faith remodel and I rejoice that because He has started this work in me, He will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6) 

 

   

A Documentary Intervention

Because I find myself with mucho time on my hands, I have been indulging in my favorite "pamper me" pastime: documentary binging.  I know, it's not mani-pedis or chocolate overdosing, but it's still my favorite way to while away the hours, and today's choice was a feature about Gary Ridgway.  Oh, you probably would know him better by his other name; "The Green River Killer".  Oh yeah.  Serial Killers baby.  I know some might find the fascination I have for serial killers morbid, but let me assure you that my interest is academic in nature and really, is it any wonder?  I am a psychology major after all...and a history major to boot!  This kind of documentary is both historical and psychologically compelling.  Two birds with one documentary!  But I digress....

Gary Ridgway is the most prolific serial killer in the history of the United States.  He confessed to killing 71 women during his nearly 20-year crime spree, but it is suspected that the real number is closer to 90.  He was convicted of 49 of the murders in 2003, and was spared the death penalty by cooperating with the police and assisting them in finding the bodies of his victims.  As part of his penalty phase, he was required to sit in court as his victim's family members made statements regarding the impact his crime had on their lives.  As one would expect, person after person came forward spewing hatred, anger, cursing him to hell, insulting him and wishing him a long, agonizingly slow death. Family members raged and cried as they attempted to express the grief, pain and loss that this man had subjected them to and throughout the entire proceeding, Gary Ridgway sat stone-faced.  No reaction.  No response. No remorse.  Just a blank stare.    Then a gentleman named Robert Rule, father of 16-year old victim Linda Rule, came to the podium and made this statement: 

"Mr. Ridgway, there are people here who hate you, I'm not one of them.

I forgive you for what you've done. You've made it difficult to live up to what I believe, and it is what God says to do, and it is to forgive.

And He doesn't say to forgive just certain people, He says to forgive all. So you are forgiven, sir."

 

 

As Mr. Rule spoke, the camera panned to Gary Ridgway as his mouth began to quiver, his eyes filled with tears and his hardened expression cracked.  Gary Ridgway cried.  What anger and judgment failed to do as person after person condemned him, one individual accomplished with forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness has been on my mind for a while.  Mainly because I have people in my life I need to forgive.  Not for anything even approaching the magnitude of what Robert Rule had to forgive Gary Ridgway for, but still painful for me.  I have held on to anger and bitterness in an attempt (I think) to insulate me from future pain and to assure that I will never be hurt by those people again.  Since I am being honest, I will also confess my unforgiveness is a means of "punishing" people who have hurt me.  I have removed myself from their life because they have caused me pain and under the guise of "boundaries" have held their offenses at the forefront of my heart. 

 

It's been a smashing success: I have not been hurt by those people any more.  It's also exacted a high price.  Someone once said "Bitterness destroys the bridge you need to get over the pain." The same heart that has to be hardened to keep the spark of bitterness alive is the same one needed to approach God and seek forgiveness for sins, to love others, to reach out, to live joyously.  You cannot have both bitterness and love in your heart; I am learning that the two are mutually exclusive and the problem is that eventually bitterness will spread to other areas in your life like a fungus.  Bitterness is an opportunist, the nagging voice in the back of your head always waiting for a chance to spread.  It doesn't matter if it's your spouse, your children, your friends---bitterness will infect your life in very subtle, yet destructive, ways.     

 

Moreover, as the story of Robert Rule so beautifully demonstrates, forgiveness is a powerful weapon to break down walls. All the bitterness in the world has no power to bring healing like one small act of forgiveness does.  I have to wonder; who does Gary Ridgway remember as his spends his days in prison?  The mob of hatred or the light of one forgiver?  The heart that holds people hostage to their transgressions and doesn't forgive, forfeits the chance to make a difference in the lives of those individuals who so desperately need, like we all do, to be shown God's love.  That's what God's forgiveness is; an outpouring of His great love for us.  If I want God's love to flow through me, I have to forgive.  It's that simple.   

 

You wouldn't think that a documentary about a serial killer could have such a profound spiritual lesson embedded in it, and for most people, it probably doesn't, but that is the amazing thing about God.  He uses the everyday mundane to kick us in the tookus and open our eyes to areas in our lives that need refining and growth.  I am so glad I decided to watch that documentary instead of cleaning the toilet!      

Where I Have Been.

Last Sunday at church a dear lady said to me, "Where have you been?! I haven't seen you in FOREVER!"  I smiled, shrugged, and said the first thing that came to mind, "I don't know."  She looked at me puzzled, but smiled and said it was good to see me and walked away not knowing that I had given her the most honest answer I could muster at the moment.  It's pretty tough to keep church chat light when the real answer to the question "Where have you been?" can be summed up in four words: 

Bottom of the pit.

For two and a half years I have been in a slow, inch-by-inch slide downhill into a pit of depression so profound that I literally wanted to end my own life.  A mass of painful life events in quick succession left me an exhausted, drained and depleted mess.  I stopped going out, stopped contacting my friends, quit going to church and curled up in a ball cocooned in sadness and despair.  I have been "white knuckling" my way through my life for months and even though I work in social services, and know all the symptoms and signs of depression, I ignored the warning signs and spent my weekends in bed.  No joke.  I would come home from work on Friday and go to bed.  I would leave my room Monday morning for work.  Come home from work, go to bed.  Repeat cycle daily.  This was my life. 


I know that some will ask:
"Did you pray about it?" 
           "Did you ask God to deliver you from your situation?'
                               "Did you turn your sadness over to the Lord?"

Yes. Yes. And Yes. 

I prayed so hard. I cried.  I begged God to deliver me from this pit.  I read the Psalms again and again.  I asked for prayer from my friends.  I did everything I possibly could to pull myself out of the pit.  But I couldn't crawl out.  I was just so tired. 
I couldn't think.
My ability to concentrate was gone.
Trying to make the simplest decisions overwhelmed me.
I was anxious.
I couldn't sleep through the night.
I was constantly tearful and sad. 
I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. 
I had lost all hope (I hope that if you are reading this that you have never experienced what a life devoid of hope looks like). 
I just wanted the pain to stop.  
I just wanted to die. 

Then the day came that I couldn't go to work.  I just laid in bed and cried.  I had been crying for two days and was just...done.   I didn't even know why I was crying; I just couldn't stop.  I had given up. 

As awful as my depression was for me, it was absolutely terrifying for my Sweetie. My poor husband was watching me fall deeper and deeper and didn't know what to do.  The day I couldn't go to work, he knew something was wrong.  He knew something wasn't quite right. This man who never wants to miss a day of work walked into his supervisor's office and told him he had to go home.  He came home to find me incoherently sobbing.  He sat down on the bed, grabbed my hand and told me, "We're getting help."

I don't know how to describe it,  but  knowing that someone wanted to fight for me, loved me and valued my life enough to come for me changed everything.  There was my hope.  There was my joy.  My Sweetie sat by me as I called the doctor and has been by my side as I slowly crawl out of this pit.

I am not completely there.  I still struggle with sadness, and often feel the tentacles of despair wanting to wrap themselves around my ankles and pull me down.  I still wrestle with the desire to not leave my house and just stay home.  I battle daily to keep my eyes up and focus on the Lord and the love He has given me through my husband, my friends and my family.  I still want to go to bed,  but more often than not I don't anymore and it's the small successes that give me hope for my future.

I have battled depression my entire life, but this was by far the worst case of depression I have ever experienced.  Never before had I been in a pit so dark and potentially dangerous.  My depression smothered me and paralyzed me with fear and negativity.  Now that I am feeling better, I can't believe I waited so long to get help.

I have no real "life lesson" to conclude this blog with, except maybe this:  If you don't feel quite right or feel out of sorts, and your life has lost it's shine, please learn from me and get help right away.  Please.  I suffered for months and months thinking I could fix myself by sheer willpower. I was wrong.

Also, if you know anyone who doesn't seem like themselves, is starting to withdraw, and behaving in a manner that isn't characteristic of them, please offer help.  Ask if they need help.  Show up.  You never know what one small kindness can do in a life filled with sadness. 



  

A Kind of Armageddon

Last night I finally reached the end of the photos. 

For the past two years, I have been working on reorganizing all the photos that I have accumulated in the past 20+ years. I have been taking them out of the albums, labeling the back with names, dates etc...and then filing them in a photo box.  It has been a tough road. In fact, I have only worked on it when I have a couple of days to devote to it because it is a long and time consuming process (thus the two years).   Lo and behold, this past week I had the flu sent from some under-minion of Satan, and my hubby suggested I spend my couch time sorting through the last two albums I had left. Since all I could do was sit, I decided to go for it and THIS time I would finish. And I did.

I have no more albums left and I filed the last picture.  I labeled the last label.  And I wept.  Not with joy over finishing a project; but with sorrow and grief because when I look in my children's photo boxes I see this: 

The significance of that year cannot be over-looked.  It was that year that my marriage ended.  It was that year that my children's family was destroyed and here was the proof of that destruction contained in an insignificant photo box.

As I looked through year after year of photographs, I finally understood what my children had lost.  I always understood intellectually, but I never really understood in my heart.  Last night, right now at this moment...I understand and I cry.  To my children, there is nothing but happy memories in those pictures.  They never knew that saddness and pain in their parent's marriage and that is good.  They could be children and be secure in the knowledge that all was right in the world.  I look at the pictures and I know our marriage was a painful mess, but my kids never knew that.  Not until their Dad sat us all down in the living room in December 2007 and told us he was leaving.  And in that moment...Armageddon for the family they had always known.

I write this blog today because I want you to know that once you have children, your marriage isn't just for you anymore.  It's for them too.  Your marriage is a bedrock foundation on which your children build every belief they have about love, relationships, security and stability.  If you are struggling in your marriage, if you are toying with the thought of leaving, giving up and walking away, I implore you...I beg you...don't.  Stay.  Fight.  Fight for your marriage, fight for your children, fight for their future.  Divorce has devastating and long-lasting consequences and in ways you can't even fathom or imagine.  I know that I never thought I would be putting together photo boxes seven years after my divorce and weeping for my lost family.  That pain just never goes away and I am an adult who went through the divorce....imagine the loss for the children.  For me, I don't have to imagine...I have the evidence of their destroyed family sitting in six photo boxes in my living room. 

Please fight for your marriages.  Please fight for your family.  Just keep trying.  Please. 

An Agent for Change

I haven't written a blog in a LONG time.  It's not that I didn't have anything to say, rather, I think God was saying some things to me...just for me. What has motivated me to write this blog is that I want to thank God for growth.  I am not the same, I have changed and I know that God alone has wrought this change in me.  Recent circumstances have shown to me that despite my feelings of feeling stuck, I am NOT the same as I was a year ago and HALLELUJAH to God for the chance to truly experience change in a tangible and meaningful way!

When my sweet hubby called me two days before Christmas to tell me he had lost his job I was stunned.  Completely blindsided.  We had no idea this was coming; his job seemed so secure!  As the phone call progressed and my sweetie related to me the circumstances behind his job loss, the first thing that popped into my mind was "What the heck?  God, what's up with this?  Why can't we catch a break?"  I am not ashamed of this, I am, after all, human and momentary self-pity is allowed.  As we were wrapping up the phone call, I told my hubby, "Well, we have been here before and I know God has a plan.  Let's just walk in that."  My Love agreed with me and we ended the call.  As I hung up the phone I realized that what I said was not a platitude, a flippant, trite comment or a fake response to placate my sad husband.  I actually meant what I said.  We have been here before and we have with the help of the Lord, walked in victory.

This time last year, I was unemployed and we were financially desperate.  I had been out of work for nine months, applied for dozens of jobs and faced rejection after rejection.  I was broken and crushed during the Christmas season; completely depleted of hope and running on fumes of old faith.  The beauty of that time is that at the bottom of it all, God was there.  I was cradled and cuddled by His love and His words. I clung to the words of David:

          "In my distress I called upon the LORD ; to my God I cried for help.  From His temple He heard my voice, and my cry to Him reached His ears." Psalm 18:6 

Over and over again God revealed himself not only to me, but to my family.  He blessed us beyond measure and I believed.  I came to a place in my life where I finally was able to say, "Your will, Your way" and mean it.   

In the days following the news of my husband's job loss I kept waiting for the fear, for the crushing sense of panic, for the sleepless nights and for the worry.  I kept wondering if I was in denial or some sort of fugue state because the feelings weren't coming.  Being the slow learner that I am, it took someone else to point out to me that maybe those feelings aren't there because I have changed.  My previous trials have taught me to rest in God and that He is in control and there is an answer to these problems, but I am not the one who has it.  The best part is that choosing to trust in a Faithful God is far less stressful than my previous response to trials.  I would get so tied up in knots, wrapped up in the sorrow and strain of our life situations that I would be paralyzed---I could not function.  I praise God that this is not so for me now.  I have learned!  In pondering all this, God brought this verse to mind;

  "We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body."

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Today, I want to thank God for growth.  Today I want to say that I am not the same as I was a year ago and that God is the only one who could have brought this result about in me.  Please don't think this is a way for me to toot my own horn and say, "Wow, look how awesome I am" because it is not.  I am just a girl whose life has been changed and I want you all to know that God gets the glory and the praise.  Are you walking in a circumstance that seems crushing with no escape?  Believe me, I have been there and I encourage you to find a verse, cling to it, and let it be your life preserver in your storm.  God is there...He's got you in the palm of His hand and will calm the storm.